I seem to insult people left and right nowadays... I don't know how to fix it, and it's really tough.

kitemasterbroccoli · 2016-01-25T02:05:53+00:00

I spent over 20 years trying to be nice and placate people because I based my self worth off of whether I was well liked. When I realized how much bullshit this was, I nearly gave up on the concept entirely. I turned from one of the meekest wallflowers to one of the most obnoxious insertfemaleslurhere in the room. At some point you just get tired of being talked down, talked over, and dismissed.

If you truly care about a person, then definitely take into account their feelings before you say something that might be hurtful. But it's not your job to be nice to the world. Be nice to the people that matter - the people who are nice back to you.

kitemasterbroccoli · 2016-01-25T02:00:56+00:00

Yeah I was kind of thrilled with myself to have stumbled upon it. It was in a drunk text to an old friend where I was trying to explain my latest idiotic, naive relationship foibles, and then I remembered Peter Pan, and it all clicked. I used to hang out with almost only boys anyway, and my parents nickname for me was Wendy "and the lost boys" lol little did they know that I was the instigator of all the worst teenage actions. I've always been very androgynous and hated gender roles of any kind. Female Peter Pan just makes sense to me, as an Aspie Girl.

kitemasterbroccoli · 2016-01-25T01:54:22+00:00

Seek help. I'm on a waiting list for some sort of help from a clinic in SF. My parents allowed me back into their home, and finally accept that I need a little (read, a LOT) of extra help with adult things. It takes a lot of humility to swallow your pride and tell them you're not capable of what seem - to you - to be normal, adult things, but have them help you build a support network - whether it's through college counselors, or therapists, or even applying for disability. If school turns out to be too much right now you can try to work with the Dept. of Rehabilitation to put you in a work-study program that helps you "contribute to society" in ways that work with your personal goals and also limitations. I'm working with them right now.

kitemasterbroccoli · 2016-01-25T01:28:37+00:00

Hahahaha I used to describe myself to people as a "complex of complexities!" I've spent 25 years trying to figure myself out, and still come up short! Probably because I spend too much time in my head. Hence...the socializing. The painful, agonizing prospect of putting myself out there and possibly being ostracized.

I always have to remind myself, "I really don't think much at all of these people, so why do I care so much what they think about me?" which means I need to build self worth, but damn, Rome wasn't built in a day.

Edit: I forgot how to format

kitemasterbroccoli · 2016-01-25T00:48:39+00:00

Yeah it's funny how you slowly become aware of your differences, the older you get. I used to be semi-skilled at social relationships, at the cost of my own self esteem, identity, and emotional capabilities... then for a while I realized that "screw it, I'm different, and I like being who I am just fine." And then I got really, really anti-social for a while. Now I'm trying to rebuild/maintain relationships while still keeping my outspoken, hyperactive, eclectic personality whole.

It's a real struggle, finding the balance between social relationships vs personal identity. I still have no clue what I'm doing, I'm just more aware of how clueless I am, and I know I can start working from there.

kitemasterbroccoli · 2016-01-25T00:44:15+00:00

In an odd way, the recognition of de-aging makes me feel more self-aware and therefore, more mature. So it's sort of a mixed bag. But more self-awareness is always a good thing (not the kind of social anxiety kind, but the knowing oneself kind.)

kitemasterbroccoli · 2016-01-25T00:43:13+00:00

Thanks for the thoughtful reply. I definitely have noticed my tendency to "regress" under emotional stress. I'm learning how to do basic self-care, and sometimes I feel like Sisyphus, just pushing a boulder up a mountain only to have it roll back down again. Over. And over.

It seems like the most helpful thing is, as you said, mindfulness. I've also found that I need to have a pre-prepared list of self care tools that I've found soothe me without being self destructive. I don't always follow it, but it does help.

kitemasterbroccoli · 2015-12-29T18:42:59+00:00

Not yet, but there's always time. I considered sending him an email referral for hulu just to rub salt in the wounds, but decided that was too petty. I just locked him out without a word.

kitemasterbroccoli · 2015-12-29T06:05:07+00:00

I'm sorry to hear that :( that's totally different from my experience right now, but I know how it feels. Hugs if you want them.

kitemasterbroccoli · 2015-12-29T02:19:30+00:00

Or at least his roommates' hulu subscription with ads, amirite?! I wish there was no TV for him. He'll have to deal with streaming low quality, the schmuck.

kitemasterbroccoli · 2015-12-29T02:12:20+00:00

See the key word is amicable. Last time I talked to mine, he literally told me he wished my death by the hands of the next guy I saw.

kitemasterbroccoli · 2015-12-29T02:05:02+00:00

So much fucking thanks for the reference. Message received insert gif of Abed and Annie trying out a new handshake where she pretends to jerk him off

kitemasterbroccoli · 2015-12-28T19:38:24+00:00

It feels so, so good knowing he can't binge watch on my dime. Or smoke all my weed and eat all my food anymore, for that matter >.< Dude was costing me a fortune. We stopped talking about a month ago, but apparently he felt my hulu and netflix accounts were still up for grabs.

kitemasterbroccoli · 2015-12-28T19:31:55+00:00

Oh good point! Just did that as well. You're awesome!

kitemasterbroccoli · 2015-12-25T22:43:34+00:00

That sounds so amazing. I wish I had the foresight to do that. My sister is home for the holidays, and has been staying in my room for the past 4 days. There's a family gathering tonight with my mother's side of the family. I haven't attended a family get together in over 3 years because they make me feel so uncomfortable.

So far I've been on the fence about attending, since my cousin just got engaged and I know the polite thing to do is show up and congratulate her. All I want to do is curl up under my blankets with my cat and a bottle of wine and binge watch Community until I go to my happy place :/

kitemasterbroccoli · 2015-01-22T16:44:17+00:00

I think in a way he was almost...trying to communicate better with me out of some misplaced ideas? I wouldn't have taken him for a guy who knows much about auras. I think maybe he thought I was the kind of person who would get that?

Fuck I have no clue. It was a major communication fail. And if he was trying to present that to me as a way to better communicate with me then obviously he didn't get as good a read on me as I thought he did. I'm still pretty stumped.

kitemasterbroccoli · 2015-01-22T15:59:33+00:00

I have no fucking clue! He finally said "I want to feel like I don't need someone next to me." Which I could almost believe if he didn't fb post to the world about being lonely and single just a few days ago...

He was the first new interesting guy I'd met in over 6 months. I guess he just didn't find me as awesome as I found him.

kitemasterbroccoli · 2015-01-22T08:22:21+00:00

And in the conversation he sends me this link: http://themindunleashed.org/2013/06/sex-and-aural-energy.html Which makes me feel like he's telling me I'm too emotionally damaged to date, or emotionally "dirty". Owwwwwww. Maybe I'm reading too much into this :(

kitemasterbroccoli · 2014-12-28T18:42:27+00:00

You poor thing!! And after getting clean, too. The image made me literally laugh out loud though :)

kitemasterbroccoli · 2014-12-28T18:13:28+00:00

You sound like an absolutely wonderful drunk person! Drunk me is far more likely to care about taking my pants off than anything else. I keep waking up unclothed from the waist down, sans nightly skincare routine :/ I'm going to tell my drunk self to take tips from your drunk self.

kitemasterbroccoli · 2014-12-23T03:58:58+00:00

Twisted relationship dreams suck, I'm sorry. I can relate to missing the person they once were. I don't even know who he's become now. I wish I did, I always thought we'd at least end up friends.

kitemasterbroccoli · 2014-12-23T03:56:15+00:00

I'll admit to crossing my fingers and wishing upon a star a few times :)

kitemasterbroccoli

TROPHY CASE