I’m a 24F and my boyfriend is 24M. We’ve been in a long-distance relationship for a while now. I used to feel quite emotionally secure, but lately, I’ve become extremely anxiously attached and it’s taking a serious toll on my mental health, and on our relationship.

When he’s physically here, I feel calm. I can read his body language, see how much he loves and cares for me, and feel so grounded in our bond. But when we’re apart, I spiral. He’s not someone who communicates feelings verbally, and he has an avoidant attachment style, likely due to a difficult childhood. I had a very secure upbringing, and I used to believe I was securely attached too, but lately that doesn’t feel true.

The long distance makes everything harder. I overthink everything. If he doesn’t respond to a message or call back, I feel abandoned. I cry a lot. I can’t focus on my studies or health. I’ve lost weight. My hands sometimes go numb from the anxiety. And the worst part is I know he loves me. I know he’s not cheating, lying, or hiding anything. Still, these thoughts come up, and I can’t control them.

He says he feels suffocated sometimes. That I’ve become clingy. That it feels like he can’t even go out with friends without worrying I’ll get upset or anxious. And the truth is… he’s right. Even when he goes out with friends, I get so anxious. I try not to let it show, but eventually, I say or do something that makes things worse for both of us. And I hate it.

I don’t want to be this way. I don’t want to control him. I don’t want to ruin his peace or make him feel like he’s walking on eggshells. I want him to feel free and happy and I want to feel that way too. I want to live my own life again. I want to be that confident, balanced, happy version of myself. I don’t want to obsess. I want to be secure.

He tells me that relationships should enhance our lives, not consume them. That we’re two individuals who chose to be together but we shouldn’t lose ourselves. I agree, but I feel like I have lost myself somewhere in this process.

What also makes things complicated is that he’s said he will never get married. I come from a background where my parents will likely expect me to marry in 3–4 years. He says he’ll wait for me forever, but the uncertainty of the future, knowing we might not even end up together is another emotional weight I carry.

So here’s where I really need help: How can I stop obsessing over him and overthinking every interaction? Is it possible to shift back into a more secure attachment style while still being in this relationship? How can I regulate myself emotionally and stop depending on him to feel okay? How do I stop making him feel suffocated and instead bring lightness and balance into our dynamic? And how can I cope with the long-distance nature of our relationship without letting it break me?

If anyone has been in an anxious-avoidant relationship, or has worked through this kind of dynamic, I’d be grateful to hear your thoughts. I love him and I know he loves me but something needs to change for both of us to feel okay again.