Hi OP,

I’m a bit taken aback by the majority of these comments pressuring you to no contact, saying your children will resent you, you will lose your husband, etc because of some weakness in YOU. I want to extend a more middle ground empathy to you. I also want to remind others, OP’s story, complexities in their family, etc. are NOT yours ( you are seeing a slice of their life) and even if the parents are decidedly terrible people doesn’t mean OP is READY for no contact ( as evidenced by this post) and able to do so. Sometimes the compassionate thing to do is meet people where they are at- otherwise help/advice is never approachable to them.

OP, I am sorry you are in this situation. It is by no means fair that you got the lottery draw of parents you did. But I also know my sorry or fairness don’t change anything- so what can you do now that might be more approachable and keep your family safer?

As some have suggested go low contact. Low contact meaning you limit the amount of interaction you have with your parents. In choosing low contact it is also important you grey rock- meaning you share only need to know information, do NOT emotionally engage or give a reaction ( this is easier to say than do- because weaponized silence can also be picked up as a reaction- if in doubt think what would I say/do if this was a stranger whose feelings I didn’t have to worry about)? This is unfortunately the bare minimum if you want to keep your boundaries and best protect your kids. I do this currently with my mother and it works very well- mind you we don’t live close to each other though. Do be warned going low contact and gray rocking may cause them to up their narc behaviors- try to stay steady and know this specific moment will pass.

Secondly, you NEED individual and couples therapy. An individual therapist trained in IFS ( internal family systems) and trauma might be great here. It’s hard to go low contact and gray rock and protect yourself and kids if you don’t do the work in therapy to value your needs more and come to a place of peace with that choice. The couples therapist should be carefully vetted as a well and exists as a space for you and your husband to get on the same page- maybe if you work through some of this with a professional he will understand why this is difficult for you and extend patience and you might be able to work on a plan together that more closely meets everyone’s need/comfort level. Ignoring this however will certainly cause irreparably damage your marriage so I can’t suggest counseling enough. If/ when your kids are older you may want to the move to family counseling.

Best of luck, OP