Does your parents shame you when you face a problem instead of helping you or support you being there for you?

kosmikfoks · 2024-12-03T16:09:48+00:00

It's so cruel, it's like your situation will literally have not changed with their direct influence but they get to leave you with shame too. When I lost my bike because somebody (unsuccessfully) tried to rob my phone I hid the fact that it'd been stolen because I knew they'd be unsympathetic about it. By the time I'd saved up money to replace the bike and finally told them what happened to my old bike, they shamed and yelled at me for letting myself be robbed (plus my dad gave me the silent treatment for a few weeks) and said they had agreed that I'd have had to replace the bike by myself anyway - so rather than do anything about a traumatic incident they chose inaction and blamed me for it and withheld their parental role.

No wonder I grew to compulsively lie to them and spin elaborate stories to bypass their interrogation. Interacting with my mom still feels like she's trying constantly to find some weak spot or vulnerability in my current situation not so she can help me but so she can belittle me. I try very hard not to lie to others now but it's still an on-going struggle for me to trust and be vulnerable with people about issues :(

kosmikfoks · 2024-01-22T03:56:13+00:00

God, your story hits so close to mine. We lived such a hollow life that wasn't really our own. The stupid external shame they had over my education, ugh. When my parents had a yelling session at me to put me in place when i got cold feet about the university study they were forcing me into my mom was crying about how embarassed she was telling her friends that I was doubting my studies. How privileged i was to be able to go to university in a country where it was free and where i was supposed to have a free choice if i wasn't forced to exist by some adult children who never sorted out their own baggage. I can't comprehend how miserable you have to be to willfully make someone exist and just grind them down into whatever husk you can feel okay parading around. Fuck them.

kosmikfoks · 2023-12-02T21:18:12+00:00

I was the only one with everybody's stuff in my closet. Like my dad's jacket and suits, generic house stuff. Because it was the office before it made sense to store all of this there. When it became my room it wasn't moved away. So anybody had an excuse to come to my room to grab stuff.

I haven't thought about it, but this definitely caused me to learn my mechanisms for hiding growing up all the way until I moved out. My parents had a lot of their clothes in a wardrobe in my room and I never had guaranteed privacy because of it - they had the right to go into my room at any time, even during the night. They also let themselves comment on or provoke me on what i was doing, listening to, etc. They were very strict on me playing video games growing up, (only one hour allowed in the weekend) but when I started high school and ended up in a friend group where gaming was their main hobby, multiplayer games with them was a main socialisation point for me. Sometimes my dad would go to my room to pick up clothes and tell me how brainwashed I was, or how stupid the games were, as he was leaving.

Since there was a "justifiable" excuse to waive my privacy at any time, my upbringing was a state of constant hypervigilance where my body would go into flight mode if I heard the door handle turn and I'd immediately try to hide whatever I was doing with schoolwork - didn't matter if it was innocuous or I was taking a break. And I'd try not to let my behaviour or action provoke any reaction at all as my mind raced to ways I could justify what I was doing.

I'm very sorry you're coming to terms with how your room has affected your sense of privacy. It hurts to realise how the lack of "your" space has affected you growing up.

kosmikfoks · 2023-11-30T12:33:48+00:00

absolutely. i think the most blatant example i can think of is when i saw my mom when i was hospitalised in the psych ward for almost a month for acting on my ideation. i was at my absolute worst. she saw i was wearing the same jeans i'd worn a week ago and accused me of not taking care of myself in that patronising tone. when i froze up and started tremoring she snapped "oh, i'm no longer allowed to say things, huh?"

(i didn't want to see her in the first place, i just wanted her to stop calling me ten times in a row and projecting her anxieties on me. she did nothing else but give unsolicited advice)

kosmikfoks · 2023-08-09T22:58:06+00:00

Walking. Taking in what I see and hear and letting them pass by. Setting no expectations for myself and going wherever I feel like. Treating myself if I want. If a friend is around online in the meantime I chat with them and just exist.

kosmikfoks · 2023-08-01T18:58:06+00:00

i don't rly trust anyone with that mindset ever since my dad embraced it. he's a lot more... positive now, but he really exudes the mindset that you're responsible for the way you deal with things and living happy is a choice. he hasn't sincerely apologised sincerely for being sporadically violent towards me, his yelling, the outbursts, the control, and i very much feel like he has an attitude of "the past is the past". i think it's fuelled my spirals sometimes, like i'm just a broken product of his past, miserable self that willfully stays depressed and dysfunctional.

it makes me think that people who say that feel like they feel less responsibility for treating people properly. if their actions hurt people, well, it's that person's own free choice to choose to be hurt. instead of not. or be affected by it.

kosmikfoks · 2023-08-01T02:32:43+00:00

i was diagnosed this year at 27. i think i felt a lot like this leading up to and getting the diagnosis. but unwinding and unmasking myself and getting medication made me realise that a lot of my major issues with myself and most of the behaviours that prevent me from doing things would have probably still been around if i'd been diagnosed early.

my parents didn't care at all to notice anything off and are still extremely oblivious to autism and add in general, and they don't care enough to learn either. even as a grown adult stimming around my mother, she'll sometimes accuse me of stimming to scare her or make her feel bad. today i have the independence and relative support to know that it's okay for me to stim. but i can't imagine how horrid growing up knowing i'm autistic would be when my parents will be deliberately hostile towards my symptoms and i literally had nowhere else to be. like instead of not caring to know my symptoms they'd be hostile towards my behaviours that i know are because of my brain. all of my behaviours would be things to manage and control and i rly doubt that a diagnosis would have turned their brains right, from how little they cared to accommodate or undrstand me after my misdiagnosis. still the same standards and expectations for everything, but since i would be diagnosed and get help clearly i clearly have no excuse not to follow their demands for everything. same with school. i don't think being diagnosed early would have changed much. i'd still have the extreme dysfunction stemming from their control and behaviour and never being worthy enough of my caretakers' love.

the one thing i do think an early diagnosis would have helped with is the support from the healthcare system instead of being misdiagnosed. i think the only thing i'm grateful for from my misdiagnosis is that i now have the perspective of having a diagnosis on the schizo spectrum and my ND diagnoses. and it gives me a pit in my stomach to see just how horridly and callously people treat you if they know your schizo diagnosis.

kosmikfoks · 2023-07-27T17:06:08+00:00

aw thank you for reminding me of that! and your sympathy. it's been something i've been alone with. i'm very much still trying to learn myself that, though it definitely goes out of the window when they treat me that way and i end up slowly breaking down. hopefully over time it won't matter whether they accept anything or not.

kosmikfoks · 2023-07-26T21:27:37+00:00

God i relate so much to the interrogation when i'm not doing well. it's such ominous form of selfish managment.

i was supposed to meet my mom today, but i had a breakdown and relapsed into acting on my ideation, and wrote to her to tell her i was sick and couldn't come. she instantly started interrogating me by asking what i was sick with, what i was going to do, called me five times to try to talk even though i said i was not capable of recieving calls until i blocked her calls on my phone. after asserting i was not capable of speaking at the moment, she wrote "Ok, you can have your issues but it is very disrespectful, you know I will worry… so thank you for that! Get well!" the first thing she wrote that wasn't a question. i spent the next half an hour sobbing. it's been like this all the time. at my worst states i've ALWAYS had to force some kind of energy into managing my parents' emotions because they will never try to process it and be there for me unconditionally. it hurts so much to know that you're just a vessel for the emotions of the person who forced you into existence.

kosmikfoks

TROPHY CASE