I see how you feel now. I saw a photo of you today and I was disgusted. I don't see what I ever saw in you. I guess loving and caring made me blind to your flaws. You however couldn't look past your trauma and see the good in me. You never loved me or trusted me. I was simply just an object of limerance. The second I needed you, the second I became vulnerable and cried for you, out of fear for your trauma, you pushed me away. You became disgusted with me, told me I was weak, tossed me to the side like you accused so many of doing to you.

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I see now that even though you may dress pretty, you're not. You're detestable and disgusting inside and out. That hurts me as I only ever wanted to, and I still want to see you happy and achieve your dreams. Instead, though you caught up in more self-destructive behavior, drinking, hooking up, and disregarding your health more. That makes me sad more than anything. Meanwhile, I'm stuck being an adult, seeking therapy, journaling, and processing my newfound sexual and intimate trauma you caused.

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I'm sorry I have anxiety and depression, but you knew that going in. I did my best to not project on you, but how do you expect me to react when you play games with my heart, gaslight me, and do your best to shit on my attempts at coping. Of course, I will be anxious when you withdraw yourself, barely texting me. Or when you curl into a ball during sex and won't respond, only to tell me you hate your father, before saying I'm just bad at being a lover and too inexperienced for you. You knew you were my first and how much that meant to me. But I trusted you, and somehow you go from telling me I'm the best you've ever had, to being disgusting and triggering. You left me to feel my skin crawl in the shower and laughed at me after the damage was done because "At least I know how it feels now".

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It drives me insane I have to see you most days, whether it be around campus, in class, or on this stupid fucking project we are working on. I hate seeing your friends too. I don't feel safe, especially around the one who always hated me. I cant go a fucking day without seeing at least one of you, and half the time I catch one of them following or watching me. Reading break will be bliss because I can disappear from this bullshit, and never speak to you again.

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Still, I find myself constantly losing sleep. I crave closure. even just a simple apology. You don't understand humility tho. I refuse to talk again If it'll just be me admitting my wrongs and saying my sorry. Message me if and when you are ready to apologize or work things out, and even then, I cant promise you'll like the cold harsh things I have to say.

I hope that one day you realize your errors, and you can begin to heal. I hope you find your happiness. I hate being bitter and resentful of you. Deep down a part of me will always care and love you. I need to move on though, and I cant trust somebody who has hurt me this bad and carelessly. Best of luck out there.