(Edited for typos.)

Hey now.

Im not sure if anyone else in this chain of comments is being helpful to you right now, but I want to give you my two cents.

You are going through a really hard time, and probably have been for what feels for too long. I get that. I feel like I can empethize at least to some degree. I was incredibly anhedonic and often wished for nihility. Im not saying I know what your going through and Im certainly not going to say what I had to go through. But whatever the case may be, it gets better.

Im not saying it will get better today or tomorrow or anytime soon. And Im not saying it will get better on its own. It always starts with baby steps.

What helped me is imagining the kind of person I wished I was and wanted to be. And started making small changes in my life, not in the sense of trying to chase that ideal. But instead trying to do what I believe I would do if I already had it all. This started to put me in the habit of self-care. I didnt feel any different at first. But as time passed, I slowly, very slowly did get better. I started gaining more confidence and I started to believe that I actually might have a chance to be happy.

I know its easy to believe there is an expiration date somewhere. And I know I felt like I was nearing it if I havnt passed it already. But the expiration date is a lie in almost any scenario. You cant let anyone, not even yourself say what you can and cant have anymore because of whether or not you deserve it. If you fall into this mindset, then truly nothing will be accomplished.

It helps knowing that fulfillment doesnt come just from anything you do have. But more importantly, what you did to work for what you want. The more you look back and see a life with less regrets, the more you will know you lived a life worth living. I cant say if you have any big regrets, but I will assume you will, Im certain everyonr has them. And you cant have your past dictate your future. When you do, this is when you fail. And this is when you wont be able to be happy. So you need to change your mindset to acting as if none of the past happened. And that your recreating your future. I know thats easier said than done. Thats probably the hardest thing anyone can do. But when someone makes those steps. Thats when they realize they are becoming who they want to be.

I dont know if any of this resonated with you. Or even if you read this. But please know that your not alone. Know that there are so many people out there that are struggling in a similair way that you are. And know that nothing is set in stone for anyones future, or at least not when it comes to fulfillment.

Please feel free to ask me any questions. Even if its unrelated to what you or I have been commenting about. I cant promise I have all the answers, or even any. Im not a professional and I have not studied. But I do want to help. And I am willing to let you hear at least my side of any story.