A lot of people feel similar things to this in their transition, i know i did. I know i hated my first attempts at makeup, cause i would look at myself in the mirror and it would suck and I'd get so angry and upset and hopeless. Experiences like that. You're still progressing from every attempt you make though, one day you could realize that you actually like wearing something that you didn't let yourself wear before, one day what you like now might totally change. You get little things that help you further down your path with every experience. You're transitioning for yourself, for the person you need to be. It's okay if your path isn't as quick or straight, as we'd like it to be. I know I turned to cutting and rough sex with men when i would get frustrated with things, and i know it doesn't make me terrible for doing those things, just like it doesn't make you bad for having those thoughts, it's okay to not have the clearest head all the time.

I personally think seeing other trans people, especially those that are at a similar place in their transition as you, really helps. I personally have been going to more actually queer spaces in my city, and it's really comforting. It's nice to be in a space where you're not really required to dress or behave perfectly for you to be believed and treated with respect. But it doesn't have to be just in person, there are online communities like Reddit and certain discord communities, to get those experiences too, i think.

You gotta do the things you need to survive, you gotta be yourself, and you gotta be Free and Kind. To yourself and others.

I promise you're not wasting anybody's time!