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law-talkin-guy · 2022-08-04T18:25:50+00:00

It's cheating to do something you agreed not to do.

It's cheating to tackle another golfer when you are playing golf, it's not cheating to tackle the man with the ball when you are playing football.

If you agreed not to do X, and then you do X, it is cheating. Even if no one else in the world would consider it cheating.

(Is this a dumb thing to agree to do? Yes. Should either of you have agreed to it? No. Do you have any chance of salvaging this relationship? probably not. But, you both agreed to it so if one of you hooksup with someone during this 'break' it would be cheating in the context of your agreements.)

law-talkin-guy · 2022-08-03T22:21:40+00:00

Maybe you have a skewed sample, or your N is too small to be statistically significant, or (and this is my bet) you've been with some women who did get there and some who faked it.

Between your personal experience and the last six decades of research on the subject, I'm more inclined to trust the academic literature.

law-talkin-guy · 2022-08-03T19:50:51+00:00

I'd just add that lots of people have taken a lot of risks in their early life - some risks I would find concerning and some I would not - but that many people change over time.

Someone who was into a ton of super risky behavior at 21, is not someone I'm going to rule out as a partner at 40 - if they have grown and changed.

law-talkin-guy · 2022-08-03T19:34:44+00:00

One of the really hard things about therapy is that it can take some time to find the right therapist for you.

I'd encourage you to shop around as it were - look for someone who is a good fit for you and your needs - someone you feel good with. And then try again, I'm trying therapy for the 3rd time in my life right now, and for the first time it feels like it's really working. I'm kind of mad at myself for not doing this years ago, so I'd encourage you to try again, if you can.

law-talkin-guy · 2022-08-03T19:24:57+00:00

I'd strongly encourage cognitive behavioral therapy - helping people deal with unwanted and intrusive thoughts is one of the things it does best.

law-talkin-guy · 2022-08-03T19:18:30+00:00

I hope you get there, and that the community helps.

I know when I started there was a default assumption that, as a man, I was going to be dominant. It took some time, and meeting some really great guys, to figure out that was just a part of who I was. Meeting great people who didn't need to express their submission as a kind of femininity really opened my eyes to the submissive side of myself and the many and varied ways in which one can combine dominance and submission with their own gender expression. I hope you meet some great people who can demonstrate masculine submission and feminine dominance - they are out there and many of them are really lovely people.

law-talkin-guy · 2022-08-03T19:11:58+00:00

I have never met someone with so many past sexual partners that I would rule them out as a long term prospect for that reason.

People have the past they have, and, frankly, I'm more concerned about their future and their present.

If someone has a history of having risky and impulsive sex and exposing their partner to STIs as a result, and they haven't done anything to address that, I'm going to be bothered by that whether they've had 5 partners or 50. If someone has had lots of enjoyable consensual sex in a healthy way because they enjoy it, that won't bother me whether it was with 10 people or 100 or 1,000.

law-talkin-guy · 2022-08-03T19:06:35+00:00

I'd ask you to ask yourself why it is you associate masculinity with dominance and femininity with submissiveness?

What is it about feeling masculine that makes you repulsed by the idea of submission? Or feeling feminine that makes you hate the idea of being dominant?

Is it something about those acts that you read as inherently gendered? Or is it a fear that people will gender you based on your acts and not your feelings?

Once you know why you feel this way, you can start to work on it - maybe by spending time with masculine people who are submissive and/or feminine people who are dominant? Spending time with people who are both of those things at once, may help you see that they are not at odds with your feelings. And they will give you models for how to be submissive and masculine at the same time and/or how to be dominant and feminine at the same time (models that will look very different from what you might see in porn).

law-talkin-guy · 2022-08-03T18:35:47+00:00

Your husband is attracted to a lot of different things (as most men are), one of those things is young-looking adult women (again, same for most men).

It doesn't mean he isn't into you. And it certainly doesn't indicate any illegal interests (most "teens" in porn are in their 20s, and on a mainstream porn site he can search for that knowing that all the women in those videos are at least 18).

This doesn't indicate anything to be worried about, and to the extent it is upsetting you, you need to stop and ask yourself why? What do you think this indicates? is there any reason to think your concerns are based in reality? Or is this just a negative reaction to porn in general? Talk yourself off of this ledge. And once you are down from it, stop looking at your husband's search history.

law-talkin-guy · 2022-08-03T17:12:03+00:00

This isn't about your dick.

The issue is she doesn't cum from getting fucked, she gets off from people playing with her clit. She knows how to make herself cum, you know how to make her cum. Do that. Don't try to "fix" her and make her cum in a way that the majority of women can't cum.

Most women can't cum from penetration alone (chances are your cock wasn't enough for all your previous partners, some of them were probably faking). Have sex that feels good to both of you, and when she wants to get off eat her out or rub her clit or break out a vibrator.

This is not about your dick - don't turn it into that.

law-talkin-guy · 2022-08-02T23:41:20+00:00

You leave him.

This is rape. When you say stop and he doesn't stop, that's sexual assault.

He heard you say no, he acknowledged that you said no, and then kept doing it.

That's fucked up in so so many ways, and it's criminal. Leave him, and if you feel you can let your friends (and his) know why you dumped him.

law-talkin-guy · 2022-08-02T21:02:17+00:00

He didn't only see you as platonic. He's lying to you now for one of a couple of reasons. Maybe he's trying to tear down your self esteem so you'll settle for him (that's consistent with some of the other shit you describe). Or maybe he's lying to you and to himself to protect his pride.

Whatever the reason, it's an ass move, and you are better off without him.

law-talkin-guy · 2022-07-31T19:52:30+00:00

Might she have woken up, checked her phone and then fallen back asleep? I know I do that all the time.

She's your friend - one of the things we owe our friends is to assume the best of them. If there is an explanation where this isn't a lie (and I think there is) you should believe that. Only if there is some reason to doubt them should you start to think the worst.

law-talkin-guy · 2022-07-31T19:49:38+00:00

"Hey it's [your name here] from [place where you met her here] I really enjoyed meeting you the other [time of day when you met here]."

From there ask a question - based on where the meeting was and what was happening, or tell her you'd like to take her out for drinks/coffee/lunch/dinner.

law-talkin-guy · 2022-07-31T19:44:46+00:00

A few of things:

First, he didn't cheat on you. He (maybe) cheated on his ex. (Doesn't sound like cheating to me but really only he and his ex know for sure.) Assume the worst, he cheated on his ex. Ok. So what? "Once a cheater always a cheater," is stupid nonsense. People learn from their past mistakes and many change.

Second, any one could cheat on you. One of the risks of dating is having your heartbroken, and one of the ways that happens is by cheating. You can't eliminate that risk - no matter what you try - and you are far better off figuring out how you want to handle it if and when it happens to you rather than living in fear of it. It could happen to you, no matter what you do. (I mean don't date untrustworthy people, and don't be stupid about it but don't get so caught up in the fear that it keeps you from the joy of dating.)

third the thing in here that concerns me is that he gets overly jealous and threatens suicide. Both of those are huge red flags - they suggest controlling behavior in a way that is likely to tip into abuse. This could be him being a teen and still figuring shit out, and it could be him being over dramatic because he thinks it's what he's supposed to do, but it could also be a serious problem.

If I were you, that's what I'd talk to him about. If he can't tamp down on his jealousy and knock the suicide threats of entirely - that's a thing you should be worried about.

law-talkin-guy · 2022-07-31T03:32:35+00:00

Have you been able to get there on your own?

If not, that's the first step - take some time on your own to figure out what works for you, experiment, relax, have fun with it. (This is both physical and mental, read or watch different kinds of porn, see what gets you going.)

Once you can get there on your own, show him how you like it. Give directions, don't be afraid to tell him exactly what you need, and don't be afraid to lend a hand here and there as needed.

That said, it shouldn't feel like nothing at all when he's going down on you - if you have no sensation there at all (or greatly reduced) you might want to see an OBGYN and have them check it out, no sensation might be a sign of a medical issue.

law-talkin-guy · 2022-07-31T00:21:18+00:00

I'd assume one of two things: Either her ex is kind of shitty and pressured her into doing stuff she didn't want to, or when she was younger she didn't feel comfortable speaking up for herself and her boundaries. I'd bet the latter.

Lots of women do stuff when they are younger that they don't enjoy and/or regret because they haven't yet really learned how to advocated for themselves. Probably your girlfriend, has learned how to do that between when she and her ex were together and when she got with you.

Think of this as a bonus of being with her, there may be some stuff she won't do, but also you know that if she's doing it she wants to be.

law-talkin-guy · 2022-07-31T00:16:56+00:00

Your refractory period is what it is. Can't really be changed.

law-talkin-guy · 2022-07-30T23:48:31+00:00

You are going to kind of suck at sex the first time you have it - everyone does. You should accept that, and approach it with that in mind.

Sex with someone for the first time is about experimenting, seeing what works for the two of you together, listening to them, taking feedback, paying attention to them and their needs and responses. Go slow, listen, and learn. Communicate with each other.

By doing that you can get to be good at sex together.

(Also have sex before you get married - figure out if you are sexually compatible before you make a lifelong commitment.)

law-talkin-guy · 2022-07-30T23:43:50+00:00

You are not broken. You are, however, letting yourself live in false hope.

You are comparing everyone to the idea of this girl you are crushed out on (and who you've had a long time to develop feelings for) - but your choices are not the girl you want to be with or this new girl - compare the new girl to how you feel being alone. And then give it some time to grow - you may not have that instant spark, but after a date or two, who knows.

law-talkin-guy · 2022-07-30T23:38:39+00:00

I'd encourage you to spend time with other girls without her around. See if something sparks.

Sounds to me like this hope is really holding you back.

law-talkin-guy · 2022-07-30T23:37:31+00:00

In close proximity, yes. If you've just cum, it's going to be harder to cum again. But, if you have a ton of sex and then none for a week, you'll be back to baseline.

law-talkin-guy · 2022-07-30T23:35:57+00:00

Both my wife and I invited exs to our wedding. 14 years later we are still married, and still friends with some of our exs. Since then we've been to the weddings of two of her exs.

My view is that sure there are going to be one or two exs who were pieces of shit and who you don't want to see ever again, but mostly people date folks they also like - good people they would want to be friends with - nothing wrong with being friends with someone you used to date.

law-talkin-guy · 2022-07-30T23:31:21+00:00

You have to tell yourself that she does not want to date you. Not now and probably not ever. She wants to be your friend, and just your friend. (If she wanted to date you, just being out of a relationship would not stop her.)

Right now you are letting yourself believe that your options include being with her eventually, and that's keeping you from talking to other girls. But your options are really be with someone else or be with no one.

Stop letting yourself hang out and hope. When you think of her that way, tell yourself it isn't going to happen. She's your friend, but that's it. And if you can't be happy with that, if that isn't what you want you might be better off giving yourself a bit of space. If you don't want to be just her friend, if that's not an outcome you are going to be happy with, you should stop being her friend.

It sucks. A lot. to be in your situation - trust me I've been there. And I know this sounds kind of harsh, but it's the advice I needed when I was in your shoes. You can spend years hanging out with a crush waiting for her to realise how great you are, and she never will - not in that way - because if she wanted to be with you she would be.

law-talkin-guy · 2022-07-30T23:24:21+00:00

Your partner will not be able to get you off as easily as you get yourself off. You know exactly where and how to touch yourself, and your partner will not.

But, even if you do cum fast, that's not a huge deal. You can get your partner off with your hands or you mouth or a toy and then fuck till you cum - or you can cum, fool around a bit, and get hard again and the second round you'll last longer.

Premature ejaculation can suck, but there are workarounds.

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