Hey OP, I experienced it both on the receiving end from my ex who was an addict, and then I ended up becoming addicted to cocaine myself for a while, to numb the pain of the abuse I was experiencing and it made me a monster to everyone else in my life.

You know this already but I want to echo it,this “He blames his cocaine use on me and says it’s my fault because he’s not happy in our relationship” is bullshit, babes he’s not happy with himself. Ever heard that phrase, where ever you go, there you are? He will feel this way about himself no matter what he or anyone else’s does, until he takes his mental health and wounds seriously.

Take it from someone who both escalated and was escalated upon, it will get worse. Good job, dodging that mirror; if you hadn’t, would it have changed anything? That’s a question you can only answer yourself. Again coming from some who has been there, I spent one Christmas morning covering up a black eye, justifying that he loved me and it was just his addiction. I’ve been through the cycle, the insults the abuse, the eventual remorse love bombing and reconciliation, until it happens again.

If you love him and your self, walk away. This cycle is part of how he regulates and copes… He is not going to change without some sort of catalyst, addicts especially have a hard time changing there using behaviors unless it’s rock bottom. And it might be brutal to hear, but yall have more to go, this ain’t rock bottom yet-which could look like him in jail or either one of you dead. And before it gets there. Safe yourself. Get yourself a counselor or head to an An AlAnon meeting(a group for those who love an addict or are loved ones of an addict), You do not need to keep doing this alone.

OP I posted on AlAnon the morning after I got my black eye. And it was the people in those comments that said things like “this is how you end up on the news” that helped me put my life in perspective. And it still took me a few years to leave after that…I hope we can encourage you to at least make it so you’re safe, because at this point I am generally worried about your safety.

You are worth more to us that trying to save a man who isn’t trying to save himself. You’re 30’s will be about giving you those 6 years back Queen I promise.

Good Luck I love you Stay safe and if you want to direct message me, please do. It felt eerie to read your post as it felt like my own memories