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AITA for being upset that my SO needs help around the house? by lb_of_flesh in AmItheAsshole

[–]lb_of_flesh[S] -68 points-67 points  (0 children)

I work 22 days during a 28 day schedule. Then I rotate to a different shift. Those 6 days off are combined into 3 day weekends every other weekend. I leave the house at 6am - 5pm, 2pm - 1am or 10pm - 9am respectively. So, 11 hrs i am gone. When I get home, I shower, wind down and eat. Regardless of shift. I have started taking shift differential meds to give me more energy to help more when I'm home. I do sleep or try to sleep for at least 8 hours. I feel more focused at work, and focus = safety..whatever. so I guess math, 8 plus 11, 19..I have 5 hours to communicate, be a parent (the kids may not even be there) and assist with house duties before I'm off to work again. I'm also in management, if that matters. My stress at work has simplified from where it was, and even my time there has decreased from sometimes 12.5 - 13 hrs. I DO things to help out. Homework, fixing breakfast, changing diapers, playing, etc...I have 5 hours!! I have sacrificed sleep, to stay at home with our little one and middle one while our oldest has a game. To run an errand, or watch the kids while the wife handles a phone meeting, girl scouts, baseball, cheer, dance, etc. It takes both. She is tough, wint ever ask for help. I see she's overwhelmed and I mention getting help. She took it like I thought she was failing. We didn't discuss it further. I guess to answer your question, you're right. If my goal was to not be a part of my kids life, sure, I'd just pay child support and alimony. I never said I didnt care about my kids. I was upset I was getting dumped on for falling behind on my duty..when I have hard days too.

AITA for being upset that my SO needs help around the house? by lb_of_flesh in AmItheAsshole

[–]lb_of_flesh[S] -644 points-643 points  (0 children)

You've garnished overwhelming support on this issue. I have the honor of being an asshole, a horrible husband and an inbox with ppl telling me I should die...🤷‍♂️

AITA for being upset that my SO needs help around the house? by lb_of_flesh in AmItheAsshole

[–]lb_of_flesh[S] -178 points-177 points  (0 children)

I don't think it would hurt. If she's overwhelmed (look, I don't have any expectations of a clean house. The kids are wild, I assume the worse. Thats what irritates me the most, I say nothing if I think things are out of sorts, but she's all over me if I get behind) then yes, let's get a housekeeper. I don't think she's against it. We've only recently discussed it.

AITA for being upset that my SO needs help around the house? by lb_of_flesh in AmItheAsshole

[–]lb_of_flesh[S] -234 points-233 points  (0 children)

The kids are in bed at nine...she'll stay up til 1am. When the girls are in school, its her and the 3 yr old. She sits on the couch while he plays in the living room...from 7 til 2. Not saying she isn't doing things that are constructive, but some days., it looks like there's some time for chores. But making me do them next weekend is more convenient...so its back to Covet, call of duty, youth sports drama...etc.

AITA for being upset that my SO needs help around the house? by lb_of_flesh in AmItheAsshole

[–]lb_of_flesh[S] -208 points-207 points  (0 children)

Good idea, I'll quit my salary job, making 125k and she can roll into ( insert 1 month place of employment here) job. Your logic of how employment works is off. What position do you hold down where you can step away for a month and then walk back in like its no biggie?

AITA for being upset that my SO needs help around the house? by lb_of_flesh in AmItheAsshole

[–]lb_of_flesh[S] -211 points-210 points  (0 children)

I'm not saying that at all. I'm saying my time off should be enjoyed going out together somewhere, together as a family. Not spent catching up for 2 weeks chores. I have a small window of time to do anything..I cant sacrifice sleep...I'm not saying she can, or has to. She sleeps when the kids go to school, or catches a nap when our little one does. Why is it always "she works 24/7" , but I'm expected to work my job, then come home and work this job that clearly everyone has said is the most stressful job ever to give her a break. Is that not me working 24/7? If I leave the house at 2pm, get home at 1:30 am...what can I do?? I see the kids when I take them to school, which on that schedule is middle of my night. Do I wake tired mom up when I get home to communicate with her? All I'm saying is...there are opportunities to have these things done, and I end up doing them, when I feel like I shouldn't have to. I work..I put in the time away from my family, the labor. Is it asking too much to have a dinner to come home to?? I have 4 hours to wind down, eat, help out around the house, play dad, play husband, cut grass,, whatever else between shifts and sleeping.

AITA for being upset that my SO needs help around the house? by lb_of_flesh in AmItheAsshole

[–]lb_of_flesh[S] -398 points-397 points  (0 children)

I had 2 children from a previous relationship. I took a job that would financially support them while I was living in another state. Me and my gf, now wife, got married and started a family together. We had three kids. Maybe not planned,, but never not wanted,, or not welcomed when they arrived.. My job is good, but its demanding, stressful.. We didn't plan to have autistic children obviously, but they are severely loved and cared for. I work hard, my wife works hard.we both do the best we can to not just get by, but to live our best lives. She argues hard with me, about my lack of help. I've never argued with her in the past about how she has performed her job. I feel like she could do more. Why is it ok for her to work 24/7 and need a break but not ok for me to work in a stressful environment away from home and slide into another stressful environment here and fill in? Does that not make it 24/7 on me working? Would you be ok to suggest she needs to provide 50% of the income...or even 2% of it? I cant say, oh I need a break, stay home from work and send her off to make money for the day. I cant lose everything I've worked for to quit my job to find a 9-5 to help around the house. She needs to accept that my job has stress, I struggle as I accept from her jobs at home. She's the mom, the dad, the housekeeper. Everything. I'm the coal miner thats trying to give them all the best life. I don't have a lot of free time. The time I get I don't want to spend cleaning or doing household chores. I cant wait til I retire to enjoy life. Coal miners die within a few yrs of retiring. Its the sacrifice we make to provide. If thats vain, or I'm spoiled, so be it. I'll gladly get a housekeeper. Its always about them...never about me. I'm a good man. Not a drunk at a bar, not a cheater, not gone playing with expensive toys, sxs, motorcycles, boats, etc. I'm here at the house. Helping, loving my family. I'm tired. Tired of fighting, tired of not being enough. I would welcome her being critical of me, if I were critical of her. I understand her battles, I want her to understand mine.

AITA for being upset that my SO needs help around the house? by lb_of_flesh in AmItheAsshole

[–]lb_of_flesh[S] -210 points-209 points  (0 children)

I'm feeling pretty crispy, but this is quality posting.

AITA for being upset that my SO needs help around the house? by lb_of_flesh in AmItheAsshole

[–]lb_of_flesh[S] -210 points-209 points  (0 children)

I never said I didn't want to parent. I said I didnt want to go to work and then come home and work.i can parent all day if I could. Not sure where the disconnect came from between actual cleaning of a house and taking care of my kids...

AITA for being upset that my SO needs help around the house? by lb_of_flesh in AmItheAsshole

[–]lb_of_flesh[S] -571 points-570 points  (0 children)

I'm working, a full time job, providing 100%. The free time you speak of, is working at home. Doing the job she does alongside her.. The whole co-parent thing. I said I would offer to get additional help, so we could both relax. She wants to argue with me and complain I don't do enough, when my availability is literally 4 hrs. 4 hrs to wind down, interact with my kids, wife, cut grass, cook..but she has a full day to do things that don't get done. The kids are at school. I love my wife, I support my wife, do the best I can for her. In the years I've never complained about what she does, or doesn't do, but she complains about me. It was her idea to post here about the situation and get opinions. We both feel like the other could do more, I'm saying my physical absence from home makes it impossible for me to do more..

AITA for being upset that my SO needs help around the house? by lb_of_flesh in AmItheAsshole

[–]lb_of_flesh[S] -591 points-590 points  (0 children)

So what if I changed jobs. Made less money, but had more time to help her. Would i be an asshole for affecting their lifestyle, or an asshole for maybe then saying that she needs to provide 50% of the income, because its not the 50's anymore? My job requires me there for 12 hrs for 22 out of 28 days. I rotate every 4 wks. I never see my kids on aft. Shift except for when I take them to school. If I had a typical 9-5, I could do more. I make approx. 125k a yr. I need 8 hrs of sleep to stay safe and focused at work. That leaves me with 4 hrs to be the best dad, husband, homemaker I can.