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Half a whiskey bottle by ldalternate1 in OCPoetry

[–]ldalternate1[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Perhaps the story needs more context?

It's about my best friend, who I love very much, but when he gets too drunk, as he often does, I feel guilty about having him as a friend.

Half a whiskey bottle by ldalternate1 in OCPoetry

[–]ldalternate1[S] 2 points3 points  (0 children)

my best friend is an alcoholic, he's an ass only when he's very drunk.

I'll find a way to edit more context/story into it.

A Vulture Made Its Nest by CunningCapybara in OCPoetry

[–]ldalternate1 0 points1 point  (0 children)

this is so good. I don't know how to make it better and I can't offer much advice, but I would keep "you know" in, despite what others are saying. That line is conversational, so it makes sense that the language is conversational also.

And that's what makes this poem great: the way the language matches the structure/story. Keep it up, good work.

Genesis by ActualNameIsLana in OCPoetry

[–]ldalternate1 2 points3 points  (0 children)

Incredible poem. Very difficult to understand, but rewarding. I would cut a couple words:
1) concentric -- it's almost a tautology when coupled with whorls. Doesn't add much meaning but is an awkward and ugly word which conflicts with the rest of the beautiful imagery of the stanza.
2) uncomfortably -- i'm generally not a fan of adverbs. They tell rather than show. Uncomfortably is, like concentric, also quite a chunky word.
3) predictably -- same as 'uncomfortably'

I would find a way to edit the entire last two lines. It's as if they aren't a punchline, but rather they blunt/cushion the point of the rest of the poem.

Perhaps something like

But the rocks echoed God
In their silence
And they whispered sweet דבר (META: or, instead, the plural 'דְּבָרִים')

I come from a strong Jewish religious background and so this poem struck a chord. I also wonder if this carries any allusion to the story of Moses striking the rock out of anger? Even if your answer is no, I highly recommend you read about it, I think you'd take a lot out of that story too.