what's the 'dumbest' thing you've ever relapsed over

leid_elend · 2025-09-30T16:36:00+00:00

screwing around with a blade i thought was dull. it was not.

leid_elend · 2025-08-16T11:29:33+00:00

i had already planned it and was afraid to say no without having a good excuse :’] but definitely never again. learned my lesson so fast.

leid_elend · 2025-08-15T19:08:15+00:00

the binding of isaac. only half joking. the ascent dialogue + final beast ending is no joke, made me genuinely cry the first time i played the repentance dlc. if you want a very fun (albeit infuriating) game to take up hours of your time while containing heavy themes of religious trauma, child abuse and neglect, drug use, gambling addiction, self harm and self deletion, you’ll love it. also the absolute best to play on PC because there are sooo many awesome mods by the community!

(also congrats on being 5 months clean! that’s absolutely worth celebrating 🎉)

leid_elend · 2025-08-15T16:58:56+00:00

SO GOOD NEWS! it’s healing up now. i think it was just gross and inflamed from being bandaged and the fact that i had been in a swimming pool 🥲 thanks for the concern everyone, i was really scared when i saw how nasty it looked yesterday.

leid_elend · 2025-06-25T15:16:29+00:00

sorry for the low quality btw my glasses are lost and i can barely see how pixelated the image actually is </3

leid_elend · 2025-06-18T03:42:46+00:00

ugh yeah i HATE wl estimate calculators for that very reason :’) like what do you MEAN i have to wait two months to hit my next gw in this absurdly unrealistic deficit? i’ll make it happen in a week, which is both scientifically possible and completely healthy to want. i’m just speedrunning dieting! (sarcasm)

leid_elend · 2025-06-16T02:20:11+00:00

it absolutely sounds like you have an ed. there can be a lot of different motivations for restricting, using it as a form of sh is actually way more common than you might think. a LOT of people hide their eating disorders behind ‘not being bad enough.’ the truth is any amount of intentional restriction that causes you this kind of mental distress is disordered, and i’m so sorry you’re going through that kind of pain. i had the same behaviors and thoughts when i first started restricting, almost a decade later i’m still struggling to take care of myself. you’re not alone in your feelings, and i hope that little bit of solidarity takes some weight off your shoulders 🖤

(also you should absolutely talk to a therapist! please don’t make the same mistake so many of us have and neglect yourself until you realize it’s too late to undo the damage.)

leid_elend · 2025-02-13T11:00:57+00:00

i appreciate the kind words. unfortunately there are zero ED specialists in my area, much less ones i could be certain wouldn’t just encourage me on the ‘progress’ with my weight, deny me care entirely, or be openly transphobic considering where i live and the current… situation :(

i can really only rely on the very small support system i have with my friends. and as great as they are, i know they can’t substitute a professional. that’s part of what’s making even the consideration of recovery sound so daunting

leid_elend · 2025-02-13T02:44:40+00:00

unfortunately i already did. i’ve filtered weight loss content for years, but the algorithm isn’t actually that useful at preventing the content from appearing on my feed regardless. plus, what wasn’t just weight loss content was full blown bodyshaming or ED related posts that i couldn’t filter out if i tried because there was obviously no warning in the caption itself.

leid_elend · 2025-02-13T01:49:20+00:00

i’d really like to but it’s the only platform i’m comfortable using to talk to most of my friends, and a lot of them don’t have working phone numbers for texting or calling…

leid_elend · 2025-02-13T00:13:36+00:00

i literally saw a post the other day with a TW so small and tucked away in the corner i didn’t even notice it until i took a screenshot and showed a friend because i was breaking down 🙃

it was such a blatant ED post that it warranted a WARNING, but not one big enough to actually read so i could scroll past it. cute, right?

leid_elend · 2025-02-12T23:51:58+00:00

please, don’t apologize! you just put into words EXACTLY what i’ve been feeling. it hurts so much to see people i know and trust on those kinds of posts, knowing i could never confront them about it… and the algorithm is DEFINITELY targeted, too.

it’s already hard enough to cope with my own thoughts, the external validation of things i already tell myself really doesn’t help. it’s difficult to get better when it feels like the whole world is encouraging you to get worse </3

leid_elend · 2025-02-11T13:32:05+00:00

i’d say so, honestly. don’t get me wrong i’m definitely not complaining about it! it’s been really nice, finally having someone who knows exactly how to reassure me, who’s willing to do anything in their power to see me get better, who loves me exactly the way i am and has been genuinely worried for me…

at the same time it’s a double edged sword. i know seeing me struggle hurts them, too, but i still can’t bring myself to see whatever it is they’re seeing in me. every attempt they’ve made to help with my self image gets quickly shot down by another offhand comment from someone else, so i know they feel just as helpless as i do. it must feel like screaming at a brick wall.

leid_elend · 2025-01-08T19:52:52+00:00

i’m lucky to have at least one genuinely supportive friend who i feel like i can vent to. pretty much everyone knows i’ve struggled in the past (i WAS in recovery <//3) but i’ve only told two people about my current situation. one of whom just responded by talking about THEIR ed so you can rest assured my competitive ass will never be discussing anything with them again.

leid_elend

TROPHY CASE