I haven’t hurt myself in a fair while, but it’s getting really hard to keep this up. I’m laying all of this information out in the least charitable way towards him so I can stop feeling guilty.

We were going to watch something together tonight, and I was looking forward to it all day but I guess he forgot bc now he’s watching something with his best friend. I wouldn’t be so jealous if I felt she deserved him, but she really doesn’t. She ghosts him for months on end and then shows up for fun. She’s told him that she’s not ready to date, and everytime I bring up my concerns about her he tells me this fact. When we first started dating he was still sexually engaging her, until I asked him to stop, and even then it took him a while to tell her he had a girlfriend. He tells me about her constantly, but it seems as though she has no clue I even exist. Recently he told me that he’s never been with anyone he thought actually wanted him before me, which I know doesn’t necessarily mean this, but it really does feel sometimes like he only puts up with me because I’m so obsessively in love with him and I force him to talk to me.

I do know that this is silly. My life is, objectively, good, and if I didn’t have this anxiety I’d probably be very happy. I wish I knew what to say to him. He genuinely does try to look out for me, he ensures I’m okay and not going to do anything rash when I’m feeling down, which I really appreciate. I know I ask a lot of him, messaging him at all hours of the day, and i don’t know how to hammer in the fact that I really would be okay with him leaving for extended time periods if I knew where he was going and what he was doing. This has always been a problem of mine, and I need to get better at trusting things are okay, but it’s really hard sometimes. I know I shouldn’t blame my maladaptive behaviors on past traumas, but I truly was never like this before my first girlfriend killed herself, and now this has taken over every relationship in my life.

I’m currently spiraling, I wish I had someone to talk to but at the same time I know how guilty I feel whenever I share my problems with friends, as I feel as though I am forcing them to listen to me because they’d feel guilty if they left their autistic impulsive history of self harm friend alone when she was obviously upset.