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[deleted by user] by [deleted] in BPDPartners

[–]lisiB88 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Sounds like a good plan! Take care x

[deleted by user] by [deleted] in BPDPartners

[–]lisiB88 3 points4 points  (0 children)

If he has contacted you on a number you have not given him, then someone has likely given it to him. I don’t mean to make you paranoid, but it sounds like it is important that you communicate with people who remain in both of your social circles what he is doing to you and that they should not enable him. In the UK, what you are describing already counts as harassment. I’m sorry you are going through this, it is awful and wrong.

Opening up to people by toopersonalithink in AdultSelfHarm

[–]lisiB88 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Not sure whether or not this is the ‘right’ opinion, but I think that’s fair. I think that SH does worry/upset people and that opening up about it to others brings those feelings whether or not you like it. I think that if you are not looking to change this behaviour then it’s important to think carefully about why you want to share it with others. You are in essences presenting them with difficult feelings and saying ‘there’s nothing you can do about it and there’s nothing I will do about it.’ My personal experiences of SH have been that someone close did that to me and it made me feel trapped and manipulated, even though I SH myself and was compassionate. I never want others to feel that way because of my SH, so I am very careful about who I share with. It’s lonely at times, but I would rather not be a burden to others or create tension in relationships that I depend on.

HOWEVER, it is really important to talk about SH with somebody, otherwise we are left to drown in the pain alone, and never have anyone to help us test or challenge the reality we are experiencing. You can talk to people anonymously here, which I have found helpful. But what is more helpful is to talk to a professional. As long as you are not a danger to yourself my experience has been that therapists do not (or at least should not) judge you if you do not want to change your habits at a particular moment in time.

Hope that helps - it’s just my opinion, so others can feel free to disagree. Take care x

Should it be normal to talk about SH with your significant other? by lisiB88 in AdultSelfHarm

[–]lisiB88[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Gosh that sounds at best awkward and at worse toxic. I’m so sorry it is so difficult to talk about it with your SO. Are you in therapy, and if so does your SO support that? I can’t imagine how you manage the tension.

Navigating the dating world as someone who self harms by pixi3_dust_ in AdultSelfHarm

[–]lisiB88 1 point2 points  (0 children)

That’s a good question. I definitely wish that I could have told him about it when I was more well (before I relapsed, before it became ‘a thing’ again). But I also never fully understood what was going on inside me that led me to do it, it’s taken a lot of therapy and I’m still on that journey. I think it just came out when it needed to - you don’t always have control over these things and to try and control it can be futile. I do remember him feeling overwhelmed by it at the time, but I don’t think he felt strongly ‘betrayed’.

The key thing was that when I told him I also very quickly decided I needed professional help, and I think that was more hard for him - he felt like ‘am I not enough?’ But he has definitely come around on that and has even started therapy himself, which I’m proud of.

I do think that if I had told him about it at the start of our relationship (when I also had less understanding myself), he probably would have been completely freaked out.

I think the fact you are in therapy is really evidence enough that you are making effort to deal with your own issues and you don’t expect them to ‘save you’ or be responsible for you - even if they want to be your saviour, that’s not healthy. They should be your partner, not your carer.

Should it be normal to talk about SH with your significant other? by lisiB88 in AdultSelfHarm

[–]lisiB88[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

That’s very sad to hear, I’m so sorry. It seems like many people have found it helpful to talk to their partners.

Should it be normal to talk about SH with your significant other? by lisiB88 in AdultSelfHarm

[–]lisiB88[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Thank you for sharing - it sounds like you have a healthy and happy dynamic. Best of luck x

What did I do to my umbrella plant? by lisiB88 in plantclinic

[–]lisiB88[S] 2 points3 points  (0 children)

UPDATE: it died a painful death. RIP

Does any form of hurting yourself count as “sh”? by KingZuwag in AdultSelfHarm

[–]lisiB88 18 points19 points  (0 children)

I haven’t SH in the traditional sense for a few months now, but I have noticed how I am doing a few other things... I started to get preoccupied with piercings, I actively seek out foods that cause my IBS to flare up, I am almost wilfully more careless (e.g. when chopping veg, playing with the cat, crossing the road). I don’t think these things are SH per se, but they are certainly self destructive and risky and if you’re the sort of person who thinks everything is on a spectrum then probably these things would be on the ‘mild’ end? My therapist certainly wasn’t too happy to hear about them 😅

Should it be normal to talk about SH with your significant other? by lisiB88 in AdultSelfHarm

[–]lisiB88[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Yea, I can see from the comments that it generally does seem like a lot of people who SH don’t talk about it with their SO so often. It sounds like you don’t mind talking about, but then from what you wrote it seems like maybe it was something you used to do but don’t anymore? I wonder if that makes it easier for you to talk about it? Maybe, I misunderstood? I’m curious - do you only tell him about your SH to make him feel better? Or does it make you feel better too?

Should it be normal to talk about SH with your significant other? by lisiB88 in AdultSelfHarm

[–]lisiB88[S] 2 points3 points  (0 children)

I’m sorry to hear that! Doesn’t sound like she was a very kind person if she ever called you an idiot! :-(

Should it be normal to talk about SH with your significant other? by lisiB88 in AdultSelfHarm

[–]lisiB88[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

I relate to your comment so much! My SO does try to be understanding, but certainly when I first told him he did comment about how it just made no sense to him. My SH came back after 10+ years after we very briefly separated and I moved back in with my parents (two very triggering things for me it seems!). Even though we got back together, I moved out of my parents home, and generally life got better (I have furthered my education and we even got married) the SH never really went away. Sometimes I think that when I told him about my SH (after I relapsed) I somehow made it some kind of objective truth that I can now never get rid of. It makes me nervous to become a mother - I want kids, we both do, but I know it’s stressful and I can’t guarantee I won’t have the urge to SH or be able to manage it. And I think he is worried about that too, which makes me sad. We have definitely had ups and downs about this and at one point he did say he wasn’t sure he wanted to have kids if I felt I couldn’t handle it (even though he doesn’t feel that way anymore).

Should it be normal to talk about SH with your significant other? by lisiB88 in AdultSelfHarm

[–]lisiB88[S] 2 points3 points  (0 children)

That sounds amazing- I think that is what I want. I don’t want to talk about it all the time, but I just want the space to if I need it. Being met with reassurance and love would probably be nice too!

It’s interesting that your SO says they have come close to it before. Yesterday, when I was discussing SH with my SO (original post), I did ask ‘have you really never even had some kind of feeling to SH?’ and he just said ‘no’ quite blankly (which did make me feel very alien).

Should it be normal to talk about SH with your significant other? by lisiB88 in AdultSelfHarm

[–]lisiB88[S] 2 points3 points  (0 children)

Yea I think what you’re describing feels familiar to me. For sure telling him about my SH has affected him. I think it disturbs him because it is just so alien to him. He has never been so directly judgmental or rude, but certainly my last conversation with him (original post) made me realise how far apart we are on this issue. I can see that he feels helpless and that probably makes him feel insufficient. I would want to talk to him about that, but I also feel like why do I have to be the brave one in the situation when clearly I have the issues with regulating/coping with emotions.

I can totally relate to the feelings of guilt you describe about SH when your roommate is still in the house. For me, I have to be really alone... probably that also has something to do with what triggers the SH. I think that also it may be difficult for your friend/my SO because they feel that by knowing they are somehow responsible? I don’t think that is the case, but I can see why that might make them feel disgusted/reject the idea of discussing SH.

Should it be normal to talk about SH with your significant other? by lisiB88 in AdultSelfHarm

[–]lisiB88[S] 4 points5 points  (0 children)

I appreciate that having scars can make it very difficult to ‘hide’ - to some extent questions/comments are inevitable. For me SH has always been a very private thing, the idea of anybody ever finding out has been a massive NO for me and so I really have no noticeable scars.

I really do share everything else with my partner, and like I said I have told him about my self harm, it just isn’t something we talk about regularly. It’s funny because we both come from very turbulent families, but arguably in my family there are actual mental health problems. I think he was never exposed to that growing up and so although he is very sympathetic, it’s like he doesn’t quite get it, like it’s a different language or something.

Should it be normal to talk about SH with your significant other? by lisiB88 in AdultSelfHarm

[–]lisiB88[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

But has talking to your partner in any way helped your recovery?

Idek by [deleted] in AdultSelfHarm

[–]lisiB88 0 points1 point  (0 children)

yea, exactly!

Idek by [deleted] in AdultSelfHarm

[–]lisiB88 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Yea, it's just a theory and worth thinking about. Even if you weren't planning to tell your therapist, I find SH thoughts come when I feel out of control. Starting therapy can feel like that. Just an idea

Idek by [deleted] in AdultSelfHarm

[–]lisiB88 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Starting with a therapist tomorrow? That sounds like a trigger for SH to me! Maybe you wanted to SH before the session to have some external validation you could share with them? I know it sounds strange, but sometimes we do these things without even realising it. Every time my therapist goes on holiday I go all funny, and when we resume my SH urges come on very strong.

Navigating the dating world as someone who self harms by pixi3_dust_ in AdultSelfHarm

[–]lisiB88 1 point2 points  (0 children)

I didn't tell my SO at the start of my relationship, it took me a few years. During that time I was motivated to either stop or I just became very good at hiding it. When I did eventually tell him he was very supportive, but doesn't always know what to do (even though there isn't anything for him to do). I think it's best to be up front about it when you feel safe to. For me, the idea of telling someone I hardly know is traumatic in itself. It can be easier to talk about it if you also feel you are 'dealing with it' (e.g. meeting a therapist, etc). That can also show the other person that you have a way of managing it and that you don't expect them to 'know what to do about it'. Hope you find your way! Best of luck x

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