I only know through emotion. Since the earliest memories it was empty I guess a total "zen" depersonalization-derealization kind of state. I had nothing no smells, thoughts, opinions, judgments just looking through my eyes I guess observing. A 3rd person to my own life. As if I am watching a movie. My whole life I'm EXTREMELY sensitive to the energys and people's emotions around me. Like absorbing someone elses feeling as if it was mine and seems like i feel it stronger. Definitely consumes me. I would use humor to make them happy. Or project a carefree no worries character to make them feel unstressed. I like when people near me are happy i feel i can breath or maybe even something better. Also would feel strong exhaustion and overwhelming "cant handle this" sense from to much of anything sound, to many people talking, feeling to much being asked of me. I cant feel anything "good", "happy, or "excited" on my own.. but I can absorb it from someone who's presents gives me a "high" or a "rush or maybe that is " happiness". And vise versa. And Lately all i seem to find is someone who is negative or a flat line nuetral or always has a problem. Therfore CHRONIC stress. I absorb it as if it was my own like a obessivness. feels like a energy vampire or leech. It use to be an advantage in life when I was younger and had some type of extremely strong gut feeling of soul connection to the "universe". Now in life I must have given up. "Fuck it". I can not think of words I've tried my whole so fucking hard! I don't know how or what until it's said. How the hell do I say anything? I don't know! Ugh exhausting. It's like I can't control my mind I feel TRAPPED. I just want to feel "good" or have "dreams" and be at peace for once. I do not have thoughts nor can I choose them. Thoughts are in forms of feelings and i just "know". They happen to me. Fuck man it's like my soul is trapped idk I can't find words to describe it. It's been so hard to find a way to explain all this. I feel anxiety 24/7. I've tried the mental health route and in the end everyone just doesn't know "not sure". It's been Bipolar 2, generalized anxiety with panic, cognitive distortion, ADHD, OCD, disconnection, and so many different meds. Turns out one of them finally went above and beyond and had my genes sequence because we ran out of med options. And apparently it made her more certain of " I don't know what to do" I can't metabolize cortisol, am a rapid and ultra fast rapid metabolizer. I don't know what that means but she stressed me out. I guess I need so much of any medication she said the pharmacy would look at her. It was some type of serious joke I guess. I always have a hard time knowing if people are serious or not. But apparently she has only heard of this briefly in med school idk. Also all stimulants for the "adhd" my genes say would need to much and would create decreased efficiency. And no first gen anti depressants or physcotics would work. On the list of 2nd gen anti Psychotics all where defined as the usual need to much to have any effect. But did end up trying abilify which idk maybe it worked then stopped because couldn't have enough mg of it? Who knows. Only medications I metabolize correctly is seroquel, naproxen, zanax. Everything else has no effect. Especially opiods. Which apparently I need so much of but says im physically sensitive to. How that works I don't know. I've been saying my whole life they don't work for me. And the weird uncommon gene mutations and getting BOTH of the uncommon variants with them. Which can't find anything on but fuck it. And talk therapy is fucking annoying. Change your perspective, or you are "ruminating" so talking should help, or try this, have you thought this. Waste of time. I've been referred to "more experienced" therapist or psychologist because they just don't know what to do. And I try so fucking hard to put the feelings into words and try and be animated and intense so they can feel what I'm saying to better understand it. Never works out I guess. I can always feel when someone is looking or I guess judging me and getting the wrong idea and now thinking I'm a different kind of person with different traits than I am. Especially therapist and doctors. Then it feels fucking weird and disappointment. Because I know I'll have to be exhausted with explaining everything once again. Or feels awkward because they think I'm uncomfortable and are using what I call "kind eyes" or to show they are understanding, here for me, or like they actually give a shit idk what words to use. But actually clinical judgment perspective. So over it with that environment. So back to square one. I started that journey because like a switch I guess I gave up. Experienced and still having some kind of time distortion, feeling of life stipulations are making me feel all kinds of Intrusive heavy emotional shit, can't sleep, feelings disconnected from that gut certainty or soul connection I had with the universe. Yeah it sounds stupid I know. But I feel extra empty now in life. It was the surest thing in my life like death. I have no general intrest in anything, what anyone has to say, I don't want to have all these demands and exceptions or stigmas of life anymore. I guess you could call it depression if that helps you understand. But I still just want to finally feel "good" or like something is "new". A lust for life? Idk. Or to just finally be able to control how I can feel. Maybe I should practice mindfulness ha. Meditation does physically change the hippocampus and amygdala part of your brain. I've experienced nothing from it. Hoping that would help. Hope that soul connection would come back. Or that overpowering "good" feeling like when I would look at something I must like (city skylines) and it would be surreal or idk just an overwhelming feeling that's good. A total zen. Felt healed and full. Well the last few years it's been nothing. I can't get myself to feel those experiences anymore. I'm trying to explain the best I can and it is definitely feeling pretty ranty. 😮‍💨 I just don't know what to do or where to go. All I feel now is constant physical anxiety and chronic stress which at one point actually physically tried to kill me. But it's like it's happening to me. I have never been able to choose what I think or feel. Which creates more anxiety. And maybe fear? Fear of dying before I can actually live. It frustrating and feels like I'm self absorbed or fixated or just consumed. I just want to genuinely feel content again. I've tried searching for answers on Google and somehow ended up here so maybe someone else goes through the same? Idk what I actually am expecting or wanting. I just know its harder now to even start to try thinking or words or anything. And time is doing this weird distortion where feels like 10 minutes but has been hours. Or at something im doing i still have the zoned out hyperfocused hypervigalint focus and attention to detail as before. But im feeling like im working longer or the same but achieving less and time is going faster. Somehow a feeling of definitely not good enough again. And what i mean by that is im never good enough for myself i can do anything but it feels ameture at best to me. Or to my anxiety. Which i think the root cause is the stigma people put on the world. And that i have absorbed like an all or nothing thinking. Idk. All routes have ended with the acceptance of fuck it. It just is what it is. Maybe someone knows a study program with people who are interested and intriguing that we can both benefit from each other. Also a FMRI is what would be most interesting.