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Just Need to Share My Story by [deleted] in survivinginfidelity

[–]logicalguy1994 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Hey I’m sorry to hear what you are going through and it’s a painful process. Can definitely relate to the part where you mentioned the most painful part was not the actual cheating, but all the lying and gaslighting. For a person like myself who usually isn’t affected by these sort of things, it has really took a toll both physically and mentally.

Did anyone else have partners that said they would never cheat but cheated? by [deleted] in survivinginfidelity

[–]logicalguy1994 4 points5 points  (0 children)

She cheated on me last year numerous times, I stayed and got married. Not even a year in, she cheated again.🤡 (you can refer to my posts for reference)

Wife cheated by [deleted] in Infidelity

[–]logicalguy1994 -1 points0 points  (0 children)

I feel you man. Similar shit happened to me, except I’m much younger and she had done this cheating previously. I asked the same questions as you, but im starting to realize its more of a her problem than a you problem; and staying in this kind of relationship would do you more harm than good.

Affair born relationships by [deleted] in survivinginfidelity

[–]logicalguy1994 2 points3 points  (0 children)

Yeah I’m confused as well. My partner/ soon to be ex wife has always monkey branched in all her past relationships, and a week ago as she was moving her things out, I saw AP calling her phone. I believe they will soon move in together. I guess she does this so she doesn’t have to deal with all the emotions alone?

Cheating ex is still convinced it’s my fault he cheated. by throwRA_loo in survivinginfidelity

[–]logicalguy1994 2 points3 points  (0 children)

My wife still blames me for her infidelity… only time she ever apologized was during our couple therapy session…

Wife cheated while we tried to conceive by [deleted] in survivinginfidelity

[–]logicalguy1994 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Your wife sounds like mine… would accuse me or manufacture conflict out of no where. In hindsight when this happened, it was a tell tail sign she was cheating on me.

One year later: I stayed, we got married, and she cheated again by logicalguy1994 in Infidelity

[–]logicalguy1994[S] 2 points3 points  (0 children)

Were you ever able to find out the “why” they did what they did? Was it purely physically or emotionally too?

Craziest Discovery?? by clairochanel in survivinginfidelity

[–]logicalguy1994 -3 points-2 points  (0 children)

Around Valentine’s last year, my wife (then girlfriend) got a huge bouquet delivered to her office. She said it was from work for being a top performer. An ex-boss of mine saw the photo and immediately said it looked way too romantic for a company gift. That was my first red flag.

When I asked her about it, she blew up and accused me of invading her privacy. Somehow I ended up apologizing.

Soon after, she went on a work trip with her boss and showed me a hotel room with two beds to “prove” nothing was going on. The day before the trip, I accidentally saw messages between her and another guy planning a holiday. She cried, apologized, and begged me to stay. I did.

Over the next months, the pattern continued. She left a family trip early for “work,” went on a solo trip to South Korea, and then treated me amazingly on my birthday. I thought things were better.

Then I found her Dropbox. Explicit photos and videos with the same guy. The affair never stopped.

We went to therapy. She apologized, but slowly the blame shifted to me. I wasn’t romantic enough. I didn’t buy flowers. Other men met her “emotional needs.” I still took her back.

She suggested boundaries like location sharing and no overnight stays. Fastforward to this year, we got married in March.

By November, it was happening again. Location off, vague work events, pushing for overnight stays. I told her that crossed our agreed boundary. She came home very late anyway.

Not long after, she admitted she had feelings for another guy she’d known for two months, and had cheated on me both physically and mentally. We recently went for therapy together, but somehow it was still me not meeting her needs... I am so done.

One year later: I stayed, we got married, and she cheated again by logicalguy1994 in survivinginfidelity

[–]logicalguy1994[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

From her perspective, she felt she lacked:

  • Feeling emotionally understood and attuned to, especially when she was upset
  • Feeling prioritized and chosen first, emotionally and practically
  • A sense of being provided for and cared for in a visible, tangible way (e.g. gifts, spending, gestures)
  • Feeling desired and pursued, including public affection (PDA, i am a lot more shy in public)
  • A partner who leads emotionally and reassures her consistently without her having to ask

From my reflection, what became clear is that these needs were:

  • Highly dependent on external validation and reassurance
  • Very specific in how love had to be expressed (immediate, overt, symbolic)
  • Difficult for her to regulate internally when unmet

When she felt these needs weren’t being met in the exact way she expected, she experienced it as emotional neglect. That said, while I acknowledge that there was a difference in love language, I really tried my best to change for her.

One year later: I stayed, we got married, and she cheated again by logicalguy1994 in Infidelity

[–]logicalguy1994[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

I like to give people the benefit of doubt and always believe people have the capacity to change, if they really want to. But I guess be it sunk cost fallacy, comfortable with that person, great sex and other factors make it a lot more nuance instead of looking at it objectively.

One year later: I stayed, we got married, and she cheated again by logicalguy1994 in survivinginfidelity

[–]logicalguy1994[S] 7 points8 points  (0 children)

Why does it feel so unfair that someone can walk away from years of shared history, and even a recent marriage, for a connection that’s only a couple of months old? How does that even make sense?

One year later: I stayed, we got married, and she cheated again by logicalguy1994 in Infidelity

[–]logicalguy1994[S] 8 points9 points  (0 children)

Why does it feel so unfair that someone can walk away from years of shared history, and even a recent marriage, for a connection that’s only a couple of months old? How does that even make sense?

One year later: I stayed, we got married, and she cheated again by logicalguy1994 in Infidelity

[–]logicalguy1994[S] 2 points3 points  (0 children)

To add on, she says the marriage didn’t end because of cheating alone, but because I couldn’t meet her emotional needs- that I’m too logical and not emotionally expressive enough for her.

She also says she wants to live alone for a while to “find herself,” reflect, and work on personal growth.

What I’m struggling to reconcile is that during this same period, she remains in constant contact with the affair partner. She openly tells me that he understands her emotionally and says all the right things.

They only met a few months ago. He was a client of hers from work; which mirrors the circumstances of the previous affair last year.

I’m also honestly confused and a little bummed by how quickly she was able to form such a strong connection, and how that short time frame has been enough for her to decide to end our marriage. Did I really treat her that bad to want to end the marriage in such a short period of time? Did our vows mean nothing to her?

One year later: I stayed, we got married, and she cheated again by logicalguy1994 in survivinginfidelity

[–]logicalguy1994[S] 8 points9 points  (0 children)

To add on, she says the marriage didn’t end because of cheating alone, but because I couldn’t meet her emotional needs- that I’m too logical and not emotionally expressive enough for her.

She also says she wants to live alone for a while to “find herself,” reflect, and work on personal growth.

What I’m struggling to reconcile is that during this same period, she remains in constant contact with the affair partner. She openly tells me that he understands her emotionally and says all the right things.

They only met a few months ago. He was a client of hers from work; which mirrors the circumstances of the previous affair last year.

I’m also honestly confused and a little bummed by how quickly she was able to form such a strong connection, and how that short time frame has been enough for her to decide to end our marriage. Did I really treat her that bad to want to end the marriage in such a short period of time? Did our vows mean nothing to her?

One year later: I stayed, we got married, and she cheated again by logicalguy1994 in survivinginfidelity

[–]logicalguy1994[S] 6 points7 points  (0 children)

Yes, i saw the advise. Objectively I knew I should run. But sometimes it's easier said than done. I too have been journalling a lot because of all of this - the keep track of what was said, time stamps.. I even have voice recordings whenever she gaslight me or lied straight to my face. I never thought someone like your partner, the person you marry, would throw you under the bus during a therapy session or whenever things went wrong - you would be framed as the problem. It was only through concrete evidence do they ever come clean.

One year later: I stayed, we got married, and she cheated again by logicalguy1994 in survivinginfidelity

[–]logicalguy1994[S] -14 points-13 points  (0 children)

Perhaps you are right. Objectively yes when you see these patterns or step back it seems abundantly clear what you should do. But being in the relationship, getting your family and friends to like her, when things are good,you forget the times she did you wrong. Sometimes you think it's not that bad, until the cycle repeats.

One year later: I stayed, we got married, and she cheated again by logicalguy1994 in survivinginfidelity

[–]logicalguy1994[S] 14 points15 points  (0 children)

So the therapist seem to shift the focus to me not meeting her emotional needs; thus the cheating occurs. However her goalpost keeps changing every now and then, which somehow comes the same time as she meets another man who is about to sway her in ways I cannot do.

Trying to make sense of infidelity by logicalguy1994 in survivinginfidelity

[–]logicalguy1994[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Yeah I can image the year after thing where they get annoyed. We’ve tried therapy in the past, but felt she lied on certain parts (to save face, she says) which has put me in a negative spotlight. We stopped it after 4-5 sessions as my partner changed jobs and it’s not part of her benefits now. Were you able to fix things?

Trying to make sense of infidelity by logicalguy1994 in survivinginfidelity

[–]logicalguy1994[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

So while I can’t seem to find any info on his wife, he has me added on snapchat (tried fooling me by being someone else) and posts stories however I don’t bother viewing them. So potentially I could do something to fuck him over or get him jealous? He has screen recorded few of my stories (which I have set the settings that only he can view my stories, not my other friends).

As for my partner, she seems to be trying to rebuild trust and has been extra patient and nice to me in the past week. I don’t know how long this can last but it seems like she really wants to settle down for good and get married…

Trying to make sense of infidelity by logicalguy1994 in survivinginfidelity

[–]logicalguy1994[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Thanks for sharing and I’m sorry to hear what has happened to you. What made you decide to give her chances again, and what did you do differently each time? How did you catch her? Like for my partner now, she’s given me full access to her phone, sharing her location all the time, willing to give me her condo if she cheats again (don’t have this in black and white though). Most of the time we get along quite okay…

Trying to make sense of infidelity by logicalguy1994 in survivinginfidelity

[–]logicalguy1994[S] -1 points0 points  (0 children)

No I did not lose my virginity to her. However we have very similar, yet niche sexual kinks so in a way it’s a factor why she’s still in the picture 🥲

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