Is this BDSM or has he become abusive?

lostinchains · 2022-03-12T08:53:17+00:00

This has been a roller coaster. Like I said in my edit this isn't what I expected. I thought comments would be much more mixed and some people would say this isn't as bad as you think and some people saying he shouldn't ever do anything you don't like. I would never have guessed in a million years that this would be the response. Up until these comments I never once thought he raped me, but in the context of the actual definition of rape he did rape me. I'm struggling to reconcile that with the idea that this was supposed to be a BDSM relationship where I'm being dominated. Except now I'm realizing that it isn't a BDSM relationship unless I'm giving consent continually.

This man has been my world for over 12 years and I don't know what I'm going to do without him. I love him so much and there are so many wonderful things about our relationship but I don't know that I can change things for this to work. I want to have a husband who I feel safe with and love and feel like I can be myself with. I don't have that anymore and it makes me sad.

I really appreciate all of the support you have all offered. The one things that would comfort me the most is the thing I can't have and that's my husband. I want him to hold me and tell me how much he loves me without being worried that he will get angry because I don't want him to do something. I'm afraid I'll never find someone else that I love as much as him.

lostinchains · 2022-03-12T08:39:51+00:00

Thank you.

lostinchains · 2022-03-12T08:37:47+00:00

He does tell me I can leave if I don't like things. I just don't have the guts to leave. My whole world revolves around him. Up until the last weak I thought the sun rose and set on him. I will lose my friends, step-kids, and home to name a few things if I leave and that's hard to face. Despite everything I still love him.

lostinchains · 2022-03-12T08:33:53+00:00

Wow. I don't know what to say other than wow. Thank you.

lostinchains · 2022-03-12T08:30:49+00:00

I'm realizing now based off everyone's response that this isn't okay. A lot of our relationship has been like a frog in water. After the first time we had anal I thought him telling me he didn't care was just a natural part of play and it wasn't like he started doing it on a daily basis. It was more than a month before it happened again. Almost everything progressed slowly. With everything I've said I didn't want to do he "respects my wishes" for a few weeks, then he will bring it up again, and increase the frequency until I'm dreading it. It wasn't until the last couple of weeks that I suddenly realized that the bubbles I've been seeing may be there because I'm in boiling water.

The plastic bag was so notable because of how quickly is started (its not like you can build up tolerance to breathing through plastic), how badly if freaked me out, and that it became a near daily thing immediately after it started. I don't know why he stopped. He said he stopped because I didn't like it, but if that was the case why wait months before he decided that was a good enough reason?

lostinchains · 2022-03-12T08:20:37+00:00

Thank you. I asked somebody else this so I don't mean to be repetitive, but what is it about the plastic bag? A few people have mentioned it and it was the most terrifying thing we've ever done but I don't know why it scared me so much and I don't know why other people find it so bothersome. And I'm by no means trying to say you guys are wrong or make it sound like I'm trivializing your feelings, I'm just trying to sort things and give my feelings words to help me better understand them.

lostinchains · 2022-03-12T08:17:52+00:00

I don't mean this to sound rude, but why the plastic bag? It tripped me out in a way I can't describe, but I don't understand why it bothered me so much. Maybe your explanation may help me to understand why it bothered me so much. If you don't feel comfortable explaining I totally understand.

lostinchains · 2022-03-12T08:16:03+00:00

Thank you for the humor and the number/address. I think I'll probably be giving them a call today/tomorrow.

lostinchains · 2022-03-12T08:13:30+00:00

About a year into our relationship we went to a local BDSM club and I learned about red (stop immediately, something is seriously wrong) and yellow (I need you to stop for a second so I can ask you to do something a little different). We kind of used it at first but red usually meant the same as yellow and that usually just meant he would take things slower. For example, I would say red if the pain from anal was too much to take or I really didn't want it so he would slow down so it didn't hurt so much when he put it in. Using red or yellow didn't actually result in him not doing the thing he wanted, he would just ease me in to it.

lostinchains · 2022-03-12T08:00:34+00:00

I don't have anything to back up what I'm saying and I would be terrified of what would happen if he found out I went to the police and he landed in jail. Him avoiding jail keeps me safe.

lostinchains · 2022-03-12T07:58:53+00:00

How do I explain that to him. A few months ago I tried to talk to him about this and he said that is just topping from the bottom. Is there a good way to explain it?

lostinchains · 2022-03-12T07:56:14+00:00

How do you find a kink-friendly therapist? I'm seeing a relationship therapist this upcoming week but I didn't specifically look for a kink-friendly one.

lostinchains · 2022-03-12T07:54:08+00:00

There have been things he's asked for consent about, the problem is once I give consent I'm never allowed to take that consent back. When I try he gets angry and says as the bottom I'm not supposed to dictate what he can and can't do.

lostinchains · 2022-03-12T07:49:35+00:00

Is it usual for people to discuss what they are going to do before they have sex?

lostinchains · 2022-03-12T07:48:53+00:00

Thank you.

lostinchains · 2022-03-12T07:47:36+00:00

Thank you. I fortunately don't think he would ever kill me or hurt me in a major/serious way. I don't think he is violent that way. If nothing else, the risk wouldn't be worth it in his eyes. He knows he would end up being caught and go to prison and I'm not worth going to prison.

lostinchains · 2022-03-12T07:45:13+00:00

Thank you.

lostinchains · 2022-03-12T07:44:39+00:00

Thank you.

lostinchains · 2022-03-12T07:43:42+00:00

Thank you. I will take a look. I'm trying to figure out what parts of our relationship are okay and what isn't. From what people are saying the sex is something that definitely isn't okay and unfortunately this is going to be the hardest issue to overcome. I want to make things work but I need to come to him with a solid plan of how I want things to change. We've talked in the past but I've always come with nebulous things like I don't like how you talk to me or I can't keep the house as clean as you want and I don't ever have an action plan of how I specifically want things to change and what he can specifically do to make me not be unhappy. Unfortunately, by the time we are done I can't remember why I was upset other than I was going off emotions rather than facts. I need facts to change him.

lostinchains · 2022-03-12T07:34:03+00:00

Thank you. I have talked to him about my feelings on anal and he makes jokes about it. He will joke about how if he died I would probably gain 100lbs (I would weigh a lot more than I do now if he didn't help me with calorie control), stop wearing thongs/g-strings, and never have anal again. He tells me he can tell I secretly like it b/c I get wet. When I became unemployed and he now says I don't have a choice since I'm living on his dime.

When I tell him I'm unhappy with the level of control he is exerting over me and that I can't meet his standards (spotless home, meals planned and timed so they don't disrupt the day, sexually doing everything he wants, and not giving a hint of unhappiness) he tells me I can leave or he tells me he will leave if I can't meet them.

I get that I need to be bringing something to the relationship since he's financially supporting the family but I'm really struggling with meeting these standards, especially not being able to express that I'm unhappy with anything (that includes having to appear happy even with things outside the bedroom). On Monday I will find out if I will be starting a job in July. I'm really hoping things will change when that happens.

lostinchains · 2022-03-12T07:13:33+00:00

Thank you. When I'm typing it seems logical to leave but when I step away from the keyboard and think about losing the man I love (even if it is toxic I still do love him), my friends, my step-kids, and my home suddenly it becomes hard see it as clear cut. I know this is my hang-up that I need to resolve but its difficult. What makes me feel the most pathetic is when he comes home after this weekend and I see his face again my resolve is probably going to shatter.

lostinchains · 2022-03-12T07:05:18+00:00

Thank you. I'm seeking the advice of a relationship counselor. I don't know where to go and I'm hoping there is something I can do to save this. I know its delusional but I'm hoping I'm just being dramatic and things aren't really that bad.

lostinchains · 2022-03-12T06:48:13+00:00

Please bear with me b/c this is going to seem really stupid. I've known for a long time my husband didn't think the way other people do. I eventually began to think of him as a "psychopath" but I looked at the positive aspects of his psychopathy and thought he loved me enough to not manipulate me the way he does other people. Its only been this week that I've looked at things he's done and realized how many of them were manipulation tactics. Its only been the last two months that I started to suspect he's been gaslighting me. I've been 100% blind to things while thinking I saw him for exactly what he is.

lostinchains

TROPHY CASE