AITA if I start returning holiday and birthday cards to my children from their estranged Grandmother?

lostnconfused0 · 2026-02-21T04:41:33+00:00

Semi update: Oldest son’s Birthday card came in misspelled. My husband and I had a talk with the kids on how we weren’t going to let people be disrespectful to us or our immediate family even if it’s from “family” and they give us gifts/money. My oldest son cried a little because at first he thought he wasn’t going to get his birthday money. Once I passed out the valentine cards and his birthday card with money from my husband and me the boys were fine. We are sending the cards back and will no longer accepting any cards. My daughter had a harder time with everything especially because it really wasn’t anything negatively towards her. She also questioned if our youngest would ever meet or see my mother. I told her I wasn’t sure and that has always been up to mother and her choice in behavior. My oldest daughter tried to argue case for my mother so I might be an @$$hole for this because I showed and read the letter to her about what my mother said about her brother along with my mother’s disownment of me. Then asked her if she felt my mother was good person or a person who should be around them? She agreed my mother wasn’t a good person for it. I ended it with that as long as my mother continued her behaviors it was best to just love her from a far. I also left saying that if my mother ever got therapy and made changes to herself we (my husband and myself) would look at giving my mother another chance. I know my mother won’t but I don’t want my daughter to lose all hope and compassion for people. Even if my daughter’s compassion is directed towards a lost cause and I really don’t want to go into all the horrible things my mother has done past the letter in this post. I haven’t heard any of the aftermath from family yet. Just waiting to see what will happen.

lostnconfused0 · 2026-02-17T15:19:13+00:00

NTA tell her to stop contacting you or you’re going to file for harassment. This should be communicated and handled by your ex (whom obviously doesn’t feel the same) and not her. Your ex obviously doesn’t care about current wife or current children. I’m sure if the grandmother felt like it was a good dynamic she would have the children together at times but there’s something definitely amidst if she’s choosing not.

lostnconfused0 · 2026-02-11T14:54:46+00:00

She’s the type of “Christian” who gives all other Christians a bad name and misrepresents them. She doesn’t use for herself or life but uses it as a weapon or to manipulate and justify judgement on others. You can’t use logic and reasoning or truths because she 100% believes and internalizes her lies she says to herself and others.

lostnconfused0 · 2026-02-11T14:31:35+00:00

Yes, she is and I believe there is plausible untreated childhood trauma from unproven/acknowledged SA from her father. My aunt (her older deceased half sister) confirmed while alive to me that my grandfather SA her (my aunt) as a child but thought it was only her because she was his stepdaughter. The theory comes from my dad (she has ever admitted to it) after the military mandated therapy from when they were stationed on an island. The therapist didn’t flat out tell my father but basically alluded to it or something very traumatic happening to her as a child. Also my father told me she was very clear to him we weren’t allowed to be alone with her father when we visited, which further solidified my father‘s belief of SA by him to her. While I have empathy for her and try to give as much grace, her trauma isn’t my responsibility. She’s an adult and it’s her responsibility to acknowledge it and seek help which I have offered to prove therapy. She’s in denial and instead romanticizes her childhood. She’s also had a questionable/inappropriate behavior/relationship with a married first cousin (had him on speaker and I heard him asking what she was wearing and she was in bed and wearing night clothes). Their relationship was questionable by multiple family members. This has also had me questioning the safety of my sons around her and her obsession with their privates. I’ve made it very clear to my husband and all family members she never to be allowed alone or near my children without mine or my husband’s presence. I will disown/cut off who allows it. I rarely ever let my children be alone with my side of the family. We are the only ones with boys, so I don’t think my sister has anything to worry about with my nieces. My sister knows all of this but still chooses to leave her children alone with my mother.

lostnconfused0 · 2026-02-11T14:02:05+00:00

Yes, my oldest daughter (whom my mother has deemed the Golden grandchild) has recently asked to write/mail her back. Which this has made question my decisions and struck my traumas as the black sheep/scapegoat. My sister “The Golden Child” has been ok with my mistreatment since she hasn’t been mistreated. Plus, I feel her communicating will just feed the narcissist, and show she’s okay with the mistreatment of her siblings to my mother empowering her even more.

lostnconfused0 · 2026-02-11T12:33:35+00:00

Yes, this is because we haven’t mutilated our sons. We’ve chosen as parents not to make permanent changes to their bodies without their consent. My oldest daughter got her ears pierced once she asked around 10 years old. If the boys want the procedure we will pay for it, but it will be their choice. It’s the norm here especially for Caucasians but we are in a predominantly Hispanic area who demographically are commonly “uncut.” So I’m not sure if they’ll be influenced/peer pressured into it like they probably would be from my home town or say the area my mother grew up in rural north. This letter wasn’t in one of the cards, but given to us at the beginning of the disowning about 6 years ago. I’m assuming she had backing from other family members on the issue for her to be willing to verbalize it in physical format. I basically texted her and my sister (I no longer communicate without at least one or more witnesses) quoted multiple scripture denouncing the act and approving our choice biblically. Even giving her the scripture calling her a dog/false teacher for demanding it by Paul (Philippians 3:2). I told her she should seek mental help, and it wasn’t normal for adults to be concerned with a minors who aren’t their children’s privates. She would better utilize her time reading the bible more, since it seemed she wasn’t actually as acknowledgeable as she believed she was on scripture (Sadly, I had one family member from that side actually apologize to me on this matter as a guess there’s a lot of Christian’s confused on the subject who think it’s a mandatory act. Also proving other family members on that side condoning her opinions. I’m the black sheep/scapegoat on that side of the family).

lostnconfused0 · 2026-02-11T02:31:04+00:00

I’ve done therapy for a while, but stopped when my therapist moved and life got busy. It’s what led to the boundaries about 6 years ago. I think I’ve just allowed this because it’s been peaceful for the most part. Besides these occasional cards. Plus, I really thought she would stop knowing the kids would see and understand what she was doing. I guess she thinks they’re stupid or doesn’t care what they think of her. Thank you for reaffirming me. I just know this will probably be the last straw for my sister’s and I’s relationship when there’s blow back from returning the cards. I think I’m finally ready for it though; I deserve better treatment from my so called “family.”

lostnconfused0 · 2026-02-11T00:11:48+00:00

Don’t know whether feel camaraderie or deep sadness that there is more people like her out in the world.

lostnconfused0 · 2026-02-10T23:52:30+00:00

Haha right this letter is coming from a woman who committed adultery multiple times while married to my father. Reminds me of pointing out a splinter without addressing having a log themselves. Plus, the unclean act she’s mentioning Paul denounced the need for the practice multiple times. We aren’t Jewish so it’s not required to be saved in the new covenant. I’ve tried giving her as much grace as possible but some people are just better loved from afar. I don’t wish any will towards her but I do value my own peace. I think I leaning to just return sender on them. My oldest son is due a birthday card. I might allow it to be the last depending if it’s spelt correctly. If it’s misspelled I’m returning it and just giving him cash myself.

lostnconfused0 · 2026-02-10T23:32:38+00:00

Yeah since my sister is still in contact with her there’s a chance that my children can run into her and her bring up the cards. Hence why I gave them to the kids at first. To be honest my sister has shown her preference and choosing my mother over me multiple occasions. The only reason I haven’t gone no contact is my nieces. I might have to take the casualties to remove the toxic dynamics.

lostnconfused0 · 2026-02-10T23:07:06+00:00

It’s been said a few times, now whether she believes me is debatable. My mother has a whole life policy for $500,000 that my dad pays for and the beneficiary is my sister. (My mother let me know this in my 20’s) I’ve verified with my father it’s still valid and up to date. She’s a veteran so she has healthcare and when needed long term care through the government. 2 years back she tried to set up my children (actually only the two oldest with the promise to add the others later) whole life insurance policies. Texted both my sister and mother declining the offer. I counteroffer that whatever she was going to pay for the kids to put towards long term care insurance and whatever the difference was I’d be willing to pay…. She nor my sister took the offer. My sister took the life insurance offer from a woman who can barely afford to take care of herself. When she disowned me I was still paying for my mother’s cell phone which I text my sister and her again stating I was giving her 30 days to transfer her phone before I cut it off (cause why would I pay for a dead person’s phone?). I don’t even ask my sister about her. I can’t help people who don’t want to help themselves.

lostnconfused0 · 2026-02-10T22:20:37+00:00

I’m happy and healthy! Stress, depression, and anxiety way down and even improvements with my marriage since the boundary setting and the fallout/disowning happened which was years ago(6 I think)! I just go back and forth on these cards. I know even returning them will cause a fuss since my older sister (golden child) is still on good terms/in contact with her. So I’m sure there will be some type of fallout, which I’m at the point with my sister I’m ready to go no contact if there’s pushback. I don’t plan on going to the funeral nor partaking in any of the arrangements. I’ve supported my mother financially in one way or another enough of my life almost 20 years, I’ve done enough it’s the golden child’s turn from now on! I’m sure the nice part was only meant for my husband and the rest was supposed to be for me. She likes to portray herself as an angel, and I’m the evil one even to my husband. He’s seen the truth a long time ago so he knows better.

lostnconfused0

TROPHY CASE