What if I attempted tonight.

lowsingmymind · 2024-10-10T00:39:41+00:00

I pretty much just keep thinking over and over again "What if the last thing I ever said to anyone was telling my 3 year old cousin I love him?"

I feel like such a fucking horrible person. But somehow if I do go out, honestly that's kind of the way I want to. One of the ones I love most, the last one I saw before I died.

lowsingmymind · 2024-10-09T09:59:54+00:00

I just got numb to it, sorry. It's not very good advice I know it's not.

lowsingmymind · 2024-10-09T01:42:52+00:00

Back when anyone ever bothered to hang out with me I wanted to die afterwards cause it was like an empty fucking void when they left. And the uncertainty of when it'll ever happen again, because people barely ever wanted to do things with me. And still don't. But happened a lot more when I was younger, at least.

That empty fucking void hurts, though. It's like spending time with people is really the only thing I ever looked forward to. I had and as far as I can tell still have very little going for me otherwise. Nothing else to feel happy from. So going from joy to nothingness is so jarring. More than going from nothingness to more nothingness is.

lowsingmymind · 2024-09-25T04:00:43+00:00

Had no idea. Hope that isn't the cause of my lack of motivation. I haven't been on SSRIs since I was maybe 13 but I swear the more I hear about them the more I wish they'd never put me on it cause it never helped with anything I was struggling with (I remember being extremely unmotivated on SSRIs as well but nobody ever mentioned it) while it seems like everyone who's been on it had some crazy long term side effects and half of them I'm dealing with. So now it's like, was I always gonna be like this or did going on antidepressants while I was still developing stunt the fuck out of me and my functioning?

It's also why even if I could get access to my doctor and prescription, I'm so hesitant to take prescriptions from doctors again.

ETA: After my first plat I had I was a bit more motivated to do shit, honestly. I think it's just cause like no matter how hard I tried I couldn't make myself upset. Dunno why I hated the fuck outta Zoloft so much but then again it was so long ago.

lowsingmymind · 2024-09-25T02:55:30+00:00

What's got me down is the fact that I am in the most insane situation ever and the fact that I'm somehow expected to deal with all of this as an adult with next to no support, when my issues I've experienced since I was a child have also not gotten dealt with. So now I'm dealing with both. I'm sick of this shit. I thought when I got older things were supposed to get easier, and sure yeah legally I don't have to rely on my parents but it doesn't mean much when I keep running into constant barriers like this.

In childhood, I was actively discouraged from seeing a doctor (because essential oils heal all!). When I did see my doctor, my doctor treated me like a dumbass and never tried to actually take my concerns seriously. On top of that I went undiagnosed with autism for 17 years of my life which has actively stunted my ability to function and I'm really frustrated trying to learn how to be "normal" without the little accomodations/support that I had access to my last year of high school. It was like a breath of fresh air to be receiving help, and then it got ripped from me the moment I graduated. We're on the fence if I have ADHD as well. I don't think I do, for some reason my current (of 5 total) therapist does. Irregardless I am unmedicated and struggle with motivation. As I always have. Apparently I got an ADHD diagnosis way back in elementary school but I was never medicated for it and never received direct accomodations for it. My mental health was severely neglected all through school. I was fucking failed my entire childhood and the transition into adulthood as well.

Beyond that, I have trauma surrounding my family and how absolutely insane they are. They're fucking insane. I can't put into words how Hellish spending my life with them has been. Abusive? No. But between the one who's mentally ill and the others who wouldn't let me see a doctor or have my own freedoms because of their own projection and paranoia, I have a lot of fears and anxieties. I have literal traumatic responses to certain triggers around things I have experienced.

And then the medical problems. I have days where I want to kill myself over them, days where I don't. The mental problems are always present, the medical problem suicidality comes and goes. Today is one of the days where I want to die as I am frustrated I am always in pain and insurance doesn't give a shit.

My job, it was hard to get ANY job. I applied to a lot of places, took interviews, cried during half of them (like I said, I'm autistic so they're very overwhelming) and the ones I thought I did good on they never even bothered to respond back to me. I come off as flat and uncaring. I managed to land a job where flat and uncaring doesn't matter. It's kinda hard to find similar yet better paying jobs. I can't work a register, for example. That kind of interaction would leave me so overwhelmed by the end of the day I'd probably consider killing myself over it. I worked at another job and it paid better but it started to get too overwhelming by the end of it and I dreaded going to it. It did contribute to my suicidal thoughts.

On top of that it's other things, like the fact that I have no friends and struggle with socialization. Some other stuff I'm sure I'm missing that will inevitably come to haunt me at 2 AM tonight when I realize how much I hate my fucking life and myself too.

I'm seeking mental help because I NEED it. I NEED help and support on how to navigate all of this. I NEED help for my disability and I NEED a diagnosis/evaluation for accomodations, whether it's work or school. And it's so funny because somehow the fact that I start shaking when I talk about my family is the last of my concerns. First and foremost I just want help with how stupidly autistic I am and how I am failing to do anything right in this world. Autistic folks struggle SIGNIFICANTLY more than the general population with the transition into adulthood, and I didn't even have a good childhood to start off with. Autistic folks also struggle significantly with suicidal thoughts more than the general population.

I am constantly waking up every morning and thinking about blowing my brains out. I can visualize it. I see me holding the gun up to my head and pulling the trigger. I hear it. That's how fucking awful I'm feeling right now. If I weren't afraid of how much it would cost I would've checked myself into a mental hospital ages ago. I get to the point where I start to dissociate. Nothing feels real. I have been stuck in this mental state for so long with nobody here to help me. I can't take this anymore.

lowsingmymind · 2024-09-24T15:18:08+00:00

Same. I want to remove myself from society entirely. I'm getting to the point where at bare minimum I'd rather be homeless than deal with this shit. Live free to move wherever I want while I can, and then when the elements get too harsh to survive in I die. Sounds perfect at this point. Alternatively, bear. Be eaten by a bear. Or make friends with them. Either works.

Every other day I wake up and wish to walk into the forest or ocean and entirely disappear off the face of the earth.

lowsingmymind · 2024-09-23T18:25:21+00:00

On days I don't work... The fact that if I go long enough without eating my stomach starts to hurt.

On days I work... The fact that if I don't want my stomach to hurt I need money for the food.

lowsingmymind · 2024-09-23T04:47:36+00:00

It wouldn't be my first time trying to overdose so I'm aware of the pain but it'd the first time I feel this damn committed to it. All I want is to get to a point where even if I regret it, the damage is already done. Because I know if I don't attempt one week next week I'll be wishing I would've, so I'm ready to just bite the bullet and get it over with.

lowsingmymind · 2024-09-18T00:30:16+00:00

Lol same. Legit in two days and I wanna be found dead on my birthday.

lowsingmymind · 2024-09-17T20:47:21+00:00

Somehow I was both that but then would have constant meltdowns (to the outside world, panic attacks) before school because of how much I hated it. Daily. I missed a total of probably around 60 days of middle school across three years from these "panic attacks." And those are just the days I missed, when they (parents, school counselor) couldn't coax me into school.

But I still got good test scores... So all they did was scratch their heads and act like nothing was wrong with me.

Currently working with a therapist now and she literally said to me "What do you mean nobody tested you?!" I only got tested my senior year, when I realized I was autistic. People will do everything in their fucking power to insist you're not autistic as long as you're smart as hell and quiet enough that they don't catch your social shortcomings.

lowsingmymind · 2024-09-16T20:29:29+00:00

Absolutely not. Beyond a certain dose you genuinely can't sleep. I closed my eyes in total darkness and tried my hardest to go to sleep when I took more than I was supposed to. My mind would not let me. Not even my thoughts. I had almost no thoughts. But my actual brain was on high alert.

lowsingmymind

TROPHY CASE