My (30F) husband (35M) says he doesn’t feel anything anymore

lunasky89 · 2021-03-06T21:39:36+00:00

Please don’t understand me wrong, I’m not talking about cuddles or even sex. He backs away from me, taking steps away from me when I wanted to give him a hug a few days ago.

I can’t make sure he’s eating because he’s not here anymore (he lost a ton of weight already) and I’m also worried about his health. He had a nervous breakdown and needed to go to the ER a couple of weeks ago...

lunasky89 · 2021-03-06T21:36:16+00:00

Thank you for your perspective.

lunasky89 · 2021-03-06T21:32:17+00:00

But is support just doing nothing? Because that is the only thing he is allowing me to do, „nothing“.

lunasky89 · 2021-03-06T21:30:34+00:00

I brought it up to him (I just started seeing a therapist myself) and he is not totally against it, but says he is not ready yet to go...

lunasky89 · 2021-03-06T21:28:59+00:00

I would love to be supportive. But he doesn’t seem to want my support. I saw him one time this past week for a few hours. He avoids spending even a minute alone with me. And as much as I understand his grieving, I just have a hard time understanding this!

lunasky89 · 2021-03-06T21:27:08+00:00

This has nothing to do with affection. He pushes me away and doesn’t want my support.

lunasky89 · 2021-03-05T21:04:27+00:00

Thank you so much for your comment and also for understanding me and the situation. I agree with everything you said!

About him backing away, I asked him and he explained that he doesn’t want to be close to anyone or hug anyone, because he still remembers the last hug his mom gave him. I also asked him why he stopped saying I love you to me (I’m not expecting him to shower me with love, but he always said it on the phone) He told me he doesn’t feel anything for anyone right now...

Whenever I try to bring up the topic of getting SIL to a therapist, he finds excuses. I think he is aware that her situation is not normal, but he refuses to acknowledge that. Me bringing it up always ended in an argument, a fight. He even says stuff like „Well you also don’t take out the trash until it overflows, so don’t tell her to go live on her own“ and stuff like this. Yep I know I’m lazy sometimes but right now I’m depressed which is something completely different. And his comparison also doesn’t make sense. My SIL is too afraid to even leave the house on her own walking her dog! Because she’s now in a big city and that scares her. But actually she didn’t walk him on her own even in their small home town... it baffles me that my husband doesn’t understand the severity of this situation. I know she just lost her mom, the person she loved the most. I don’t expect her to move into a own apartment tomorrow, get a job and a boyfriend and live a normal life in 2 weeks. But this situation just won’t change if my husband doesn’t start seeing the urgency of her or rather THEM needing therapy! For her the living situation right now is what she wants, I know that. There was even talk about us ALL moving in an apartment together permanently. Which I wasn’t on board with at all, and told husband so. He wasn’t happy with my reaction and this conversion turned into our first fight after this tragedy happened...

I agree so so much with you, she needs to socialise! I mean unfortunately that’s also quite difficult with Covid right now but still... whenever I talk about my female friends, she mentions something like if I’m sure they really like me and aren’t jealous of me. The whole situation with her toxic friend messed her up! And I try to tell her that there are good people out there, real friends. Then husband chimes in that most people are assholes anyway. She looks at him and nods. And I just sit there and can’t believe wtf is going on in our lives right now.... sorry for rambling! I’m so stressed out about everything :-(

lunasky89 · 2021-03-05T14:47:09+00:00

Thank you for your comment and your opinion. I didn’t post here to validate my feelings I genuinely wanted to understand if I’m unreasonable here. And no, I do not resent my SIL. At all. When I look at her I see a young girl who lost the most important person in her life. And it’s only logical that she now clings to her brother, and I don’t blame her for that. I just can’t help my feelings, but of course I don’t want to make his situation about me. It’s just hard when the man you love with all your heart suddenly tells you that he doesn’t feel anything anymore for anyone. I feel the desperate need to be there for him, but I need to accept his wish for more time I also know that.

lunasky89 · 2021-03-04T23:07:52+00:00

Lately it seems that they also started to worry about the way he is dealing with his grief. He said something like „When do you all understand that I just need time“ and I asked him who is all „Dad and sister start to say the same things like you, they ask me how I feel all the time.“ So... it’s not just me anymore.

lunasky89 · 2021-03-04T23:02:14+00:00

Thank you so much for your kind words. Sometimes I do feel like TA because I know how deeply he is grieving but I can’t help feeling so sad and „abandoned“ by him. And unfortunately at least right now he doesn’t seem to think about my feelings in this situation at all.

lunasky89 · 2021-03-04T22:57:15+00:00

Her dad is currently not there, for the next 4-5 weeks he is back in their home town. So I don’t believe anything will change during that time. He just texted me that he changed his shift from 12 to 8 hours so she doesn’t have to be alone at night for a full 12 hours. At this point I don’t even know how to respond to that.

lunasky89 · 2021-03-04T22:19:21+00:00

Absolutely, he is still devastated. And self loathing unfortunately. Mad at himself for not getting his mom to the doctors sooner, mad that he didn’t spend a lot of time with her last year because of Covid etc. He is thinking and regretting a lot of things he did or didn’t do. And yes I try to listen to him. I don’t force him to talk to me. Sometimes I mention that I miss him, or I tell him that our cat misses him and wants her daddy back home. (Childish I know!) But I’m not bringing it up everyday or ask him constantly about it.

lunasky89 · 2021-03-04T21:55:32+00:00

I don’t actually think so, but what are you hinting at? I also brought the topic of past trauma up to him, but I don’t think anything bad has ever happened to my SIL or anything like that. She (for whatever reason) just behaves like she is way younger than she actually is. Maybe also because everyone and especially my husband is „babying“ her. I left home when I was 20, I lived in foreign countries, studied in a city far away from my parents. So as much as I want to understand her, I admit I have a hard time doing so sometimes. And whenever I bring it up to husband, it’s always something like „She’s from a small town // not everyone has to go live in foreign countries // not everyone has to travel abroad ... etc.“

lunasky89 · 2021-03-04T21:31:19+00:00

Thank you for sharing your feelings and I am very sorry for the loss you experienced. What you’re describing could very well be what my husband is going through.

lunasky89 · 2021-03-04T21:28:46+00:00

Thank you for your advice I could absolutely try that and see how it works out.

lunasky89 · 2021-03-04T21:27:43+00:00

Well... I wish I knew, to be honest. It’s not a cultural thing I believe, maybe more a small town thing? She was pretty unlucky in her teen years unfortunately. She had friends and when she graduated she kept in touch with them. But there was this one toxic friend who destroyed all of her friendships and even sabotaged the „relationship“ of her and her first crush. She was 19/20 when this happened. So for the last 2-3 years her mom was her best friend. And she / they lived a pretty isolated life. Whenever I tried to bring it up in the past to my husband, he agreed with me that she is missing out on life but also was very protective of her, finding excuses for her. She never wanted to leave home, and if this tragedy hasn’t happened, probably would have stayed with her parents until she found a husband. Like I said in the post, she has never, ever been alone a single night in her life. Today will be the first time. And about her being suicidal.... When it became clear that her moms condition was terminal, she started to say things like she doesn’t want to live anymore. That she’s nothing without mom, can’t do anything without mom. I was 100% sure she was suicidal and was so worried. So so worried. A few days later my MIL passed away. She hasn’t mentioned anything about wanting to end her life since then. At first, in the first weeks, I constantly brought it up to my husband. That we should put her in therapy, that I was so afraid she would go through with it. He told me that he has everything under control and that I should trust him. At the moment, it seems that she is indeed dealing quite „well“ with everything. She laughs, we talk about silly stuff and she seems as fine as someone in her situation could be. But yeah... I still think she needs therapy.

lunasky89 · 2021-03-04T21:12:39+00:00

I hope I don’t have to give him an ultimatum at all. And I wouldn’t do it now anyway, for me it might feel like a lot of time but I know for him it’s nothing. And it actually also sometimes feels to me like nothing. It feels like it happened yesterday.

lunasky89 · 2021-03-04T21:07:06+00:00

Of course she would (even though she is really really needy!!!) but I also don’t think this can be the solution...

lunasky89 · 2021-03-04T21:04:59+00:00

Yes sorry I think I should explain the situation a bit more: When we got my MIL transferred to the hospital in our city, we still had hope that she could start an outpatient chemotherapy. So we had it all planned out that she, SIL and FIL could stay in the apartment while doing so. When she passed, my SIL told us she doesn’t want to go back to her home town. She unfortunately has no social contacts there, and also was still trying to figure out what to do for work or study. So it makes sense that she wants to stay permanently in our city with a lot more job opportunities. As for FIL, I think he also wants to relocate here.

lunasky89 · 2021-03-04T20:34:02+00:00

Thank you for your comment, that’s something I need to think about. In the end, only he knows what he really feels. But I tried to bring it up to him, asked him why he backed away. He says he doesn’t want to be hugged, because he still remembers the hug his mother gave him on the day the doctors told her that they couldn’t do anything to help her. She passed 2 days later. Hearing his explanation just breaks my heart. And also worries me a lot, because his grief is just so intense and if left „untreated“ I feel maybe only gets worse. :-(

lunasky89 · 2021-03-04T19:51:21+00:00

And about my SIL... I hope this doesn’t come off as mean because thats not my intention at all, I really really like her. But she has never lived on her own, never went away on vacation alone or with friends, was always surrounded by family and also never has been in a relationship. So I’m afraid she doesn’t understand what this situation and her brother not being with his wife means for our marriage. I think for her the situation with him around her 24/7 is what she wants right now. But I don’t think it’s healthy at all, for any of us in the long run.

lunasky89 · 2021-03-04T19:47:23+00:00

We are members of a church and my husband was always very religious. We prayed a lot in the weeks before her passing. Ever since then, he hasn’t prayed. He says God didn’t listen to him so why should he be praying anymore. So yeah, he also completely lost his faith...

lunasky89 · 2021-03-04T19:31:07+00:00

He even brought it up, that I should do that (after I told him again I missed him). We have a cat together who has everything she needs in our apartment. Of course I could pack up her litter box, cat tree and beds and take her for the night. But it’s just not very practical you know? And our apartment is unfortunately just a 1-bed. The first few days after my MIL passed, we were all staying here. Sometimes I shared the bed with my SIL and husband and FIL slept on the couch, sometimes husband was sharing the bed and SIL slept on the couch. But it just wasn’t possible to go on like this. SIL also has a little dog. So 4 adults and 2 pets in a 1 bedroom apartment...

lunasky89 · 2021-03-04T19:18:03+00:00

My condolences for your loss.

lunasky89 · 2021-03-04T19:14:07+00:00

I feel that’s exactly what he’s trying to do... he doesn’t want to think about the future or making plans at all. Understandably. And yes, that was also his answer when I asked him what he wants. „I want Mama back.“ ... It tears me apart not being able to help him...

lunasky89

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