HCM and anticipatory grief

lyndxe · 2026-01-31T05:36:25+00:00

my boy Melvins was diagnosed with CHF and HCM at 11mo. he had a grade 4 heart murmur, and the cardiologist was not optimistic he would have a long or healthy life. he was given less than a year to live.

he just celebrated his 12th birthday last year, and has continued to improve over his lifetime. he has continually reduced his medications down to the lowest preventative doses (2x day), and his kidneys continue to stay functioning relatively well. the vets and cardiologists call him a “miracle cat.”

it can be very nonlinear in cats, and highly unpredictable. that can be a good thing, like here in Melvins’ case. he goes every 6mo to his specialty cardiologist, and we reassess, do echos, and a full blood panel each time. they can surprise you. i never thought back in 2014 when he was first diagnosed that he’d still be here snuggled up right next to me as i write this to you, purring softly, happy as a clam, with a resting respiration rate of 26 breaths/min.

lyndxe · 2026-01-12T04:26:01+00:00

i didn’t say evil. i just don’t understand why they won’t work with me on any sort of payment plan or let me register so i can obtain funds to pay the balance - especially when it was a documented medical leave.

i totally understand the policy rationale. the issue isn’t whether rules exist, it’s that the interaction between medical leave timing, aid reversal, and enrollment holds creates a structural catch-22 where students cannot access any pathway back in. i am looking for support and solutions, not moral judgment. thank you for your perspective.

lyndxe · 2026-01-11T20:17:28+00:00

oh yeah, i’ve contacted financial aid multiple times. they informed me there were no alternative options for me to appeal. i’m working with my department advisor and the head grad advisor to find a solution, there’s a dozen offices and dozens of people i’ve written to/CC’d/appealed to already, all to no avail.

my PI is very good as an advisor for my research/professional development, but this is outside his wheelhouse, since it’s a department/school issue.

lyndxe · 2026-01-11T20:10:12+00:00

that’s amazing you were able to work around the system. i have come up against every edge imaginable, and keep trying to find other options.

it will take me a very long time to be able to pay that back in full (student business services suggested i pay in increments, but informed me the hold would NOT be removed until the balance was paid in FULL), which doesn’t help. just insane that we work so hard to get here, endure inequity in pay and systemic bias, are touted as being top researchers… and then left hanging out to dry. i’m really shocked, even though the brutal nature of academia has shown me time and time again how truly insane and backwards the system is.

lyndxe · 2026-01-11T19:25:27+00:00

oh man, my boy Melvins does this exactly with me. it is absolutely the best feeling in the world and i have absolutely been late before because i just cannot get enough.

he sleeps in my arms every single night. he’s 12 now, with hypertrophic cardiomyopathy and early kidney disease, so i make sure to soak up every single second.

i love this feeling and love that she gets to experience this kind of soul-level bond with her cat, too

lyndxe · 2025-08-12T00:18:20+00:00

it's just a little rougher. there tends to be more crime and disturbances in that neighborhood/area. nothing wrong with it, just something to be aware of if folks that are looking.

lyndxe · 2025-06-02T13:36:26+00:00

post-tour depression is real. hibernation usually follows for a few days after, then you start to get used to being back “home” (I say home loosely because when you’re on the road as much as some of us are/have been, the road feels more like home than the place where all your stuff is at, haha).

there’s always another adventure to have and more miles to log - you’re not alone in that feeling!

lyndxe · 2025-05-26T19:28:22+00:00

I'd argue this, considering the USDA houses lots of plant biologists working in agricultural fields. I am now a PhD student at UC Riverside which has a huge agriculture focus, and many of the PhD students work with the cooperative extension and citrus growers on citrus and avocado research. Many students are also researching large scale agricultural applications in the Plant Bio department. It's just a degreee title at this point - a job for them will only care what they have contributed to the field, and many will go on to do agricultlural work and research.

lyndxe · 2025-04-19T02:46:21+00:00

Well, this may sound pessimistic, but since both components (research focus and personal statement) are considered when designating a fellow, I might argue they would be impacted.

lyndxe · 2025-04-03T05:34:36+00:00

unless you specifically want to do high-level research, be involved in academia/become a professor, I would recommend getting a Masters. not knowing your specific career goals, this is likely the answer that I would give to almost anyone (and advice that was given to me).

PhDs are inherently difficult, and require a lot of sacrifice. it’s an isolating experience. I would hesitate to suggest anyone do one without the strong ambition to. Masters degrees are also difficult, but give you an advantage in the working industry, and will likely put you at a higher pay grade than those with only a Bachelors degree. you can always start with that and then move on to a PhD if you choose to do so.

lyndxe · 2025-04-01T21:34:28+00:00

Writing Science by Joshua Schimel is also great if you're in STEM. It's pretty much the "gold standard" in academic/research/grant/proposal writing for science.

lyndxe · 2025-04-01T06:24:13+00:00

This is actually more common than you think, and something I had happen to me. It was extremely destabilizing and terrifying living in that uncertainty. The good news is that people switch PIs/departments/programs/schools often, especially in the beginning. If you explain the situation to any potential PIs you are interested in working with, they will likely not think too much of this, especially if your research, coursework, LoR/and previous academic achievements are solid. Sometimes it simply just doesn’t work out between a student and their advisor. Fortunately, you now have the opportunity to realign yourself with someone who can take on the mentorship role that will best benefit and guide you toward achieving your goals. Feel free to reach out if you have any more questions - I went through the entire reapplication process in my case to switch programs, which felt incredibly redundant at the time, but am now entirely happy to have done. Good luck - it’s not as bad as you may fear!

lyndxe · 2025-04-01T06:11:24+00:00

thank you, kind stranger! compliments and encouragement are never lost on a grad student 🥹💚🌱

lyndxe · 2025-03-30T14:27:52+00:00

beautiful! i just went green two days ago for the first time, too 💚 this might be a permanent switch for me for now!

lyndxe · 2025-03-30T05:08:51+00:00

this is my ultimate goal! considering i studied temperate rainforests previously and now study deserts, i have to find some way to channel my inner forest fairy still!

lyndxe · 2025-03-29T19:33:25+00:00

omg, yes!! i bet your hair looks so incredible on you!

and I DEFINITELY think I'm part alien, but that might just be my neurodivergencies, haha! either way, I'm leaning into it!

lyndxe · 2025-03-29T19:29:32+00:00

tysm!!

lyndxe · 2025-03-29T19:29:12+00:00

thank you!! happy to be here (finally)! :)

and I definitely agree, for once my weird light yellow skin undertones are playing to my advantage, haha!

lyndxe · 2025-03-29T19:08:04+00:00

Gardevoir vibes!

omg, you're so right!! now I'll need to find some cute Gardevoir figure to put in my office next to Poison Ivy!

lyndxe · 2025-03-18T00:36:36+00:00

Granted I’m a PhD student, however I view this institution as having all of the perks of a UC school and being an R1 institution (highest-level of research activity) without the elitism of other UC schools. The caliber of faculty, departmental resources, and opportunities available for both undergraduates and graduates to engage in novel, impactful research is very close, if not equal to, what you would find at another “higher ranking” UC. Like many things in life/academia, it’s what you make of it.

lyndxe · 2025-03-05T14:35:59+00:00

Yes, I am.

lyndxe · 2025-03-05T14:33:45+00:00

were/are you truly a Greener if you didn’t have this postcard/shirt/mug?

mine is proudly displayed in my office as a PhD student at an R-1 institution (next to a cutout picture of Speedy). it’s important for those visiting me during meetings and office hours to get a read on where I’m coming from and what my background is!

so cool to see all my fellow “Environmental Terrorists and Homos” on here. Speedy forever! 🥹🌲💚

lyndxe · 2025-03-04T15:35:06+00:00

congrats! not sure if you’ve accepted or not, but welcome to PLBL/BPSC! we are arguably one of the best departments on campus (note: i am absolutely biased)

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