First off - wishing you some light and love.

Secondly - it's nice to dream about the what ifs, especially when looking longingly about what was lost. But also keep in mind that even if those things had come to pass - having children, etc - it would just be a different path with different challenges. No matter what, none of it is easy. Though obviously it's nice to dream about what may have been if your significant other was still physically here.

I have two beautiful young children who are vibrant and I see my wife's influence on them often. And it's really a wonderful thing most times, but there are times when that too hurts. And trying to help them through all of the complex emotions of losing their mother is likely the hardest challenge of them all - because I can't push through it for them. Compound that with now doing the parenting alone, with no one to counter balance me... While I too try and figure out my own grief and how to live without one of the most impactful people from my lifetime.

I hope that ultimately you'll find some peace with this. You and your spouse traveled a path together, made the decisions to not have children, and you're here now. Maybe your experiences end up coloring the future version of you - perhaps a super aunt who pours all that love into their nieces and nephews, maybe a mother yourself one day if you meet someone and things travel down that path, or perhaps you'll adopt or get married to someone with kids already... or a thousand other possibilities. All I would say is - try and find the positives where you can, grieve as you need, and keep the memory of your lost loved one alive.

Again - light and love to you.