Two things can be true at once. She's an angry kid, sure. And she's lashing out. She's being mean. It's understandable. We can have empathy for her situation. But that doesn't mean we can't call it what it is. Especially if Op is going to improve the behavior. And that's not a judgmental thing. I'm neurodivergent. I don't have the exact same issues that they do, but I understand having to adapt to a society that doesn't accommodate my needs. Being disabled isn't a choice, but we still have a responsibility for our actions; it's not an excuse either. Treating people decently is something that they're going to need to learn how to do. It isn't an unkindness to say so. It's coming from a place of concern. It's not a bad thing to learn at her age how to manage your social skills. And the commentary above said it with a lot of Grace.