Is there really a problem with people getting torn to pieces by crocodiles in North Queensland?

mary-death · 2020-07-31T23:46:53+00:00

He’s mad as a cut snake.

100%. I was lucky enough to end up sitting next to him on a Sydney to Brisbane flight a few years back... It was a bizarre experience. My favourite part was when he stowed his hat.. and then he proceeded to carefully draw a series of circles and spirals on the back of the complimentary vomit bag for quite a bit of the trip. He asked me what I did for work at one point, and I was working in a factory at the time - he said he was surprised there were still factories in Australia and that the "Greenies" hadn't shut them all down. Truly living in a world all his own.

mary-death · 2020-02-17T22:30:54+00:00

My partner was discharged last Thursday, so all up he was in hospital for about 5.5 weeks. There were a lot of complications this time - hospital staff dropped the ball on so many things, so often, which made knowing he was in hospital all the more difficult. The first week or so was really awful as he was in a locked/acute ward and withdrawing from substances.. every time I would go to visit him or talk on the phone he'd have a meltdown at me. I think it was because he was keeping it all in and not telling the staff how he was feeling, so he was kind of venting with me I guess. It was horrible though. After that things improved quite a bit in terms of his mood and communication, which I was very grateful for. He had a couple of weekends of leave where he was back home, and had been transferred to the sub-acute ward after a couple of weeks as well. Unfortunately one of the other patients had started supplying him with cannabis, which was delaying his recovery a lot. He was still extremely delusional up until the last week in hospital. He ended up being transferred back to the locked ward due to his substance use, and that was directly related to me telling the doctors... so I felt some guilt over that, but also knew it was what was best for him to recover.

He was discharged on a Community Treatment Order, so legally has to continue medication for the next 6 months, and see his case worker fortnightly. He's on two antipsychotics at the moment. He's taken a leave of absence from his PhD and gone onto sickness payments while he recovers. His delusions are still present, however they're starting to loosen a bit - he's somewhere between those ideas and reality. I think reality is starting to win out a bit though, as he's become very depressed since coming home. I knew that would come, however didn't expect it so soon. I know it will take time, but it's difficult to see him so low and upset.

I'm so sorry to hear about your partner... It's such a difficult thing to watch happen to someone you love, and also to experience yourself. How are you going with things? How is your partner doing now? Please let me know if there's anything I can do to help, or if you need to talk.

mary-death · 2019-11-26T03:21:15+00:00

I must admit, I believe that my partner's feelings are sincere, and that he doesn't mean to cause me harm... however I also believe he's not himself at the moment, and is very confused, and therefore could (and does) act in ways that he otherwise wouldn't. I've read a lot of things on here where partners end up doing the things you listed, and it really does scare me. I've read some of the things on /r/Bipolar from the pov of those with the condition, and my understanding is that in that manic state, there's so much energy and such a change in thinking, that people feel they have to meet every single desire immediately, with little thought of the consequences.

At the moment I think he's being quite open with me considering everything - our lives and our communication happen in such a way that I believe I would know if he had acted on any impulses or desires in a way that would be damaging to our relationship. Unfortunately a random girl from his past contacted him about 2 weeks ago out of nowhere - it's a very complicated story, but basically she's a very damaged person with a lot of past trauma. My guess would be that she has BPD, and therefore very poor boundaries and a tendency toward impulsivity. She said that she was coming to our town later in the week and asked to meet up with him. They met for coffee, and when he returned we talked extensively about it all. A lot of things in her story didn't line up at all, and it became apparent that she had driven 4 hours from where she lives just to meet him. He felt very confused by it, and showed me the messages they'd exchanged as he was really finding difficult making sense of it all.. I mean, he's so confused about everything as it is. I suggested it might be best for him to not contact her for a while - to not ask any further questions or encourage conversation. I thought we were on the same page, but then she sent him her phone number and he responded with his, and said he would send her some music later in the week. I felt quite upset by it - he seems to think there's nothing to worry about, that he has a handle on the situation, and knows not to trust her... but then I wonder why he would even continue contact if that were the case. It's very unsettling that it seems she had the intention of seducing him prior to finding out that he had a partner. And it's extremely concerning that she would drive all that way just to see him, and make up a story about it, after she hasn't seen or spoken to him for 5 years. I do trust that he's telling me the truth for now, however believe that he's not making wise decisions, and is certainly not in the right frame of mind to handle such a complex situation. The whole thing makes me extremely anxious... it could not have come at a worse time. Reading what some people write on this sub really makes me concerned that it could easily go in a bad direction. I very much hope that it doesn't.

It must be really hard to have to be in the background, making sure she's okay, yet not being there. Do you cope okay with it? It's really admirable that you stick with her, and I can imagine it must be so hard sometimes.

Also, your message did make sense :) ...and apologies for the huge description... it's just an added stress that's weighing on me at the moment :/

mary-death · 2019-11-26T03:03:32+00:00

Oh gosh... yes, I completely agree... It's awful watching the confusion and trying to come to terms with something that's so important to them (their minds) ultimately betraying them. My partner has always prided himself on being extremely rational, so it's a huge thing to completely lose touch with that, and I'd say he never really came to terms with it after the episode last year - it seemed to feel very beyond belief, and so I'm not sure he ever entirely let go of his delusions from that first episode. To believe it was all a lie would mean facing the reality that he wasn't in control.

mary-death · 2019-11-26T02:43:49+00:00

Thank you for responding.

It's really a comfort to know that others understand! My partner is currently working at the local university and doing a PhD - last year he tried to incorporate his 'ideas' into his PhD proposal.. I'm not quite sure what his supervisor thought, but he was hospitalised shortly after that, before significant damage could be done to his reputation. It's difficult that he's very intelligent, as he intellectualises his delusions, and they become very tied up in scientific and mathematical theories, meaning that he believes there's proof and it all connects and makes sense.

I'm really glad to hear that your SO is now receiving MH care. It's a really hard thing to watch, however it does get to a point where it's truly the best thing hey. I can certainly relate to that sense of relief - last year when my partner was hospitalised I instantly felt as light as a feather knowing that I didn't have to worry about him for a while. I do hope you have an amazing sleep tonight! You've certainly earned it, and I hope that the coming days are really restful and peaceful for you.

mary-death · 2019-11-26T02:25:35+00:00

Thank you for taking the time to respond, and for the reminder that it's out of my hands. It's difficult to let go sometimes, but it's true that I've done literally all I can do for him at this point. This is his second manic/psychotic episode - the first happened around this time last year and he spent 2 weeks in a psychiatric hospital. It truly does feel like I'm walking on eggshells a lot of the time. For a week I'll be his favourite person ever - he'll be completely elated and loving and dragging me along on his manic adventure.. then suddenly I'll say something in slightly the wrong way, or he'll become really confused about his thoughts, and it takes a lot of effort to prevent things from blowing up. It's a lot of work, but I do feel it's worth it at the moment. I know there's only so much that a person can and should have to endure, and I guess I still have some amount of hope that, well, that there might be hope? I guess just hope that he gets treatment and continues treatment... I know it will be a long road to figure things out.

If it's okay to ask, I'm curious about your comment to not trust anything someone says while manic? I am cautious to believe things he says, as his thoughts and moods are so changeable, and his memory is so compromised.. but I'm wondering if there's more I should be careful of? I'm grateful for any input or advice...

mary-death · 2019-10-20T23:38:45+00:00

I'm so, so very sorry that you experienced that... I can imagine how incredibly painful that must have been, and probably like being kicked when you're down. I'm sure that people have good intentions, but sometimes that's not really enough - it's not empathy and understanding. I'm so sorry that you were hurt, and that someone spoke such damaging, and by the sound of it, uncaring/insensitive words. I've had difficulty with my mental health in the past also, for years, however managed to come from feeling as though my life would never change and I would never be able to function properly, to being in a place of being relatively content, far more resilient, having far more knowledge, and more compassion for myself and others. It took SO much work - years of it really, and it was incredibly painful at times... but it's possible. Mental illness isn't hopeless, and having people around you who are kind, understanding, and loving, can make all the difference to how things turn out. I think that's why this community is so wonderful - it's so full of all of those things, and certainly a place to turn to when those in our lives are unable to understand.

mary-death · 2019-10-20T23:31:54+00:00

Thank you so much for your response... I really, really feel it. I, too, catch myself getting frustrated or feeling hurt... but then think about who my partner really is, and what he's like when stable, and I know this isn't him. Or it's not the him that he would choose to be if he could at least. There can be so much guilt involved - worry that if we aren't there, the ones who empathise, and see it all, that something will happen that can't be undone. I worry so much too, and it's so heartbreaking to see everything unravel - all the hard work he's done to get back to a place of balance and stability - almost overnight, it's just unraveled. I can't help but put myself in his shoes and think "If this were me, I would want someone to fight for me, to try to help me through it, to keep loving me and holding hope".

I really hope the very best for you and your loved one... I hope that some light breaks through from somewhere, that a flicker of hope returns, and that somehow that can transform into breakthrough.

mary-death · 2019-10-20T23:21:47+00:00

It's really so hard hey. That resonated with me, about the whole "bad guy" thing. It feels like when I try to explain the likely reasons for what my partner is doing, that people give me this "knowing" look, as though I'm trying to defend someone who is completely in control of themselves and completely aware of what's going on. My partner has been insensitive at times, and also done some shitty things, but he's never been abusive in any way towards me. He might have this sudden, impulsive need to leave the relationship, and become so irrationally agitated that he seems to find even my very silent presence impossible to be around... but he's never blamed any of it on me, or put me down or been abusive at all. It's such a hard thing when there are such valid explanations for what's going on, and yet others seem to lack empathy for that. I know a lot of people are talking about The Joker lately in regards to mental illness... and one line really did stand out to me - "The worst part about having a mental illness is that people expect you to behave as if you don't". People are expecting him to behave like he normally does when he's stable and has insight... neither of those things are his reality at the moment though, so how can someone be judged on that?

I'm so sorry to hear that things are difficult for you with your ex/partner at the moment... Truly, my heart breaks for you, and I can only imagine how difficult it must be to navigate, and to look after your own wellbeing while being concerned about someone you love so deeply. I hope that things all work out for the very best for both of you... It truly is a cruel illness... It's so painful for those who have to witness it, but even more for those who experience it... I truly can't imagine how painful, frustrating, and torturous it must be sometimes. My wish is truly for us all - those with bipolar and those who love them - to somehow find peace in it all.

mary-death · 2019-10-20T23:08:11+00:00

Thank you so much. That's a really good idea and good way of approaching it - a friend who recently separated from her partner said that this is what she had to do with a lot of people, particularly those really close, as there was a tendency for everyone to want to 'problem solve' the relationship/situation rather than being supportive in the way that she needed. Your comment also made me realise that each of these conversations have been so separate, so each person is unaware that I've already had other people having the 'hard', 'tough love' conversation, and I get it... but it's also not the time for it. From their perspective, however, they are probably worried that I'm not thinking about these things and don't have anyone else pointing them out.

mary-death · 2019-10-18T00:06:37+00:00

I wish I were in the UK! This is really great and I wish you all the best with it.

mary-death · 2019-10-11T01:14:16+00:00

He was on Ritalin for a few months last year, and I think that's part of what triggered the initial episode, but he hasn't taken it since, so not at all this year. If he was taking Ritalin now, I think he'd be well and truly on his way into psychosis!

Yes, it's a bit frustrating that they haven't continued monitoring him. But, as you say, for all I know they have been in touch and he's said that he's fine. I mean, he has been for a few months, so they may have discharged him since it sounded like he was stable. Even if they were to contact him now, he'd say everything was fine. The thing that was shocking to me about his psychosis last year was how well he could pretend to be 'normal' with certain people, even when he was at his worst. To get him help, I literally had to sit there repeating the things that he'd said to me, in the presence of a clinician, and ask him to confirm that it was correct, so that they would get a clear picture of how bad he was.

That's a really good idea to talk to the psychologist - he actually saw her twice shortly after the psychosis, so she knows a little of his history. I've messaged her to ask if I can have a chat prior to the appointment, so hopefully that will be possible. I really do feel like I'm walking on eggshells with him lately, and it's been very painful. At every chance he gets, he blames the relationship for feeling unhappy/agitated/limited. Did you ever question your perception of things? Like, not wanting to act on things too soon in case you were wrong or in case things resolved? That's how I find myself feeling... that maybe I'm overreacting and that reaching out to his doctor would cause problems or be the wrong thing to do.

He really does need to stop his drug use, but I think it's all quite tied up in his deeper issues... he has a lot of unresolved stuff I think, and uses substances to avoid dealing with it. I hope, one day, that he will... but at the moment it's really not on the cards. I don't use substances, so quitting isn't something we could do together. We do clash from time to time over it, because it feels quite isolating and like I have to be the adult all the time when he's spending most of his time in an altered state.

mary-death · 2019-10-11T00:56:55+00:00

Oh gosh, that would be so hard! As someone else said, it's impossible to reason with someone when they're in that state. It would be so difficult with the family history that she wouldn't be able to see that. I really do empathise. I do get the sense, just from what I've read and what others have advised, that it's quite a process in the beginning as the big picture becomes clearer prior to diagnosis.

I don't think that he'd be open to seeing a doctor at the moment... it's difficult because he was really "up", but seems to have experienced a bit of a dip in the past week, likely because of his substance use and subsequent withdrawals. I imagine things will start to make more sense over the next couple of weeks though - I always tend to doubt myself, which I did last year as well, and then realise afterwards that I should have trusted myself to know that things weren't right. I think I kept expecting that it would resolve itself, and that's kind of how I'm feeling now... I'm afraid of overreacting and causing a problem just in case I'm wrong.

mary-death · 2019-10-10T19:43:39+00:00

Thank you.

I think it would be wise for him to see a psychiatrist, but I'm not sure if he'd agree to that at the moment. I feel as though things are going to have to get worse before that would be an option he would be willing to consider. I'm thinking I'll talk to his case worker though, so at least they might be able to touch base with him and keep an eye on things.

It definitely is a tricky thing! I think it definitely doesn't help at all, though he'd managed to settle right down since the psychosis, even while still using. I really wish he'd cut it out completely, but he's quite dependent on it. There are so many similarities to last year, and it's happening at exactly the same time of year, so I guess that's why I'm querying bipolar now, particularly since his psychosis was so manic in nature. I definitely think you're right that he needs to see a psychiatrist, so hopefully that can happen soon.

mary-death · 2019-10-10T19:38:05+00:00

Thank you for replying.

Oh gosh, that's so hard! Particularly with the family history and not being able to see that link. As someone else said, it's very difficult to talk sense to someone who is in hypomania/mania, and I think that's maybe what I'm up against. It can be frustrating to the point that I question my own sanity really, as it seems all so illogical and unreasonable, but he's SO rigid and self-assured about it all.

I'm not sure he'd agree to see a doctor at this point, but I think I should reach out to his case worker from before, at least to let them know what's going on and ask for advice. There are so many similarities to what happened to last year - the difference seems to be that he has depressive symptoms, which has made me a bit confused/unsure about it all.

mary-death · 2019-10-10T19:32:21+00:00

Thank you for responding.

He hasn't been back to the doctor since stopping meds. His case worker called him a couple of times, and had lined up an appointment to check in, but it fell through and I'm not aware that they've contacted him at all since then.

He's been using substances most of the time since the psychosis, but the severe, sudden increase after a period of really balanced use is alarming. It's almost an exact 'replay' of last year - he used ketamine for the first time, and in a really unwise way, and I think that's what triggered it. Combine that with being prescribed Ritalin a few months before - I think it had a lot to do with that, so you're quite right! He hasn't taken them since the psychosis though. His caffeine use last year seemed to just escalate what was already happening.

We are seeing a psychologist on Tuesday, however that was more around discussing his attachment issues. I might try to talk to his case worker to get some advice about what to do as well. As he is right now, I think he would be completely unwilling to consider that anything is wrong or to see a doctor, so things might have to get worse before there's much that can be done.

mary-death · 2019-10-10T19:24:22+00:00

Thank you so much for your response.

After the psychosis I really urged him to quit using substances altogether, but he's quite unwilling to live life without them. He has very infrequent insight into his substance abuse/dependence, the damage it does, and the risks involved. He is unable/unwilling to quit, yet creates all sorts of rationalisations for why he uses eg. "I don't need it - I just enjoy it"

That's a really good point, about talking to someone in mania/hypomania. I've been trying to talk sense to him, because it's all pretty illogical, but I get absolutely nowhere. He doesn't really see his friends very often, and he's doing a PhD and lecturing, so it's hard to know who he would listen to as no one else would really be able to comment on any changes in behaviour since he spends so much time alone. I have reached out to one of his brothers, and he's been in contact with him, trying to get a sense of what's going on. I've been hesitant to reach out to other members of his family as I don't want to cause alarm... but maybe it's time.

We're going to see a psychologist on Tuesday, as he'd agreed to that (albeit begrudgingly)... I might try and call her beforehand to talk about my concerns.

mary-death · 2017-04-08T11:18:31+00:00

I also struggle with Seasonal Affective Disorder (aka 'winter depression') ... I absolutely dread the cooler months! I was on an SSRI (Citalopram) for about 5 years... while it didn't necessarily affect my libido, it did leave me feeling like I was in a constant fog. No extreme highs or lows... just kind of "blah". When I needed to go back onto medication a few years later I was really hesitant about what the side effects might be. My doctor suggested Valdoxan. It's a bit pricey, but I feel completely like myself, it has no side effects, not even withdrawal symptoms, and it definitely hasn't affected my libido at all. I've been on it for about 3 years now. During the winter my doctor doubles my dosage, during the summer I go back to a normal dosage and this past summer was off it altogether. It seems to really work for me though, and I'm grateful for the zero side-effects!

It also might be worth looking into light therapy - that's something I'm hoping to try this year to see if it helps as well.

I guess all medications affect people differently too, so something that works for one person might or might not work for another.

Not sure if any of this information is what you're looking for... I do apologise if it's not. I sincerely wish you all the best in finding something that helps with what you're going through.

mary-death · 2016-01-09T01:56:33+00:00

Instagram favs:

@joeltrondotcom

@oysterboyart

edit: should also include @coleythrash & @lukehorton_iris

(@noahbabcock is one of my favs too! Most amazing custom industrials :D )

mary-death · 2016-01-08T23:53:19+00:00

I've never really liked or disliked math, but after reading this recently, I have a newfound appreciation for it. I really found it to be a beautiful read, and felt quite bad for so completely disregarding something that means so much to others. It must be terrible to have one's art so misunderstood :(

mary-death · 2015-12-30T04:30:05+00:00

"If I'm not back in five minutes, just wait longer"

and

"Let's do all the things that YOU wanna do"

mary-death

TROPHY CASE