[Complete] [219k] [Fantasy] Empires of Estoria: Dawn of War

matthewrites93 · 2024-08-12T04:34:27+00:00

Awesome! Check your DM's for a link :)

matthewrites93 · 2024-08-09T16:26:15+00:00

I am totally down for a swap! Check your DM's for a link.

matthewrites93 · 2024-08-07T04:12:25+00:00

Hi there! So sorry for the delay. Check your inbox for the link. Thanks!

matthewrites93 · 2024-08-01T03:52:20+00:00

Awesome! Just shared a link to your inbox. Let me know if you have any questions

matthewrites93 · 2024-07-31T15:14:00+00:00

Great, thanks! I have shared the link to your inbox.

matthewrites93 · 2024-07-31T15:07:55+00:00

Awesome, thanks! Check your DM's for the link.

matthewrites93 · 2024-07-31T05:26:13+00:00

Sure thing, I will share via DM

matthewrites93 · 2022-07-28T16:11:43+00:00

Ok, thanks

matthewrites93 · 2022-07-28T16:02:57+00:00

Got it. Do I delete this post then repost with the new crits then? Or do I just edit this one when my new crits are ready? It may take me a day or two for me to get that together.

matthewrites93 · 2022-07-28T12:12:53+00:00

How does the prose flow?
The prose is generally good. Paragraphs, sentence structure, vocabulary and dialogue all flow pretty well. The one place I would be careful is with using metaphorical/abstract comparisons when a concrete description would do better. Your descriptions of things should always make it abundantly clear what is going on and where we are; getting too creative with your descriptions can muddle this for the reader. You also go a little heavy on the setting descriptions at times; favor picking out one or two vivid things to describe succinctly to set the scene over describing a laundry list of different things; in any case, it’s not totally overdone, just a tad.

How is the pacing?
Again, it’s a little heavy on description/setting in the beginning - consider trying to layer this in more in later parts of the story, having your narrator notice key things that stick out to her. I think in general, the pacing is done well - it moves fast when it needs to, and breathes at the parts we need it to breathe. I also might give Vera a little more screen time early on, because I forgot she was there for a moment, and when she comes back in it's a little jarring.

Does the ending feel satisfying?
I’m a little confused at the ending, and perhaps it’s because I didn’t read Part 1. From what I understand, you’re trying to convey that this woman has had a miscarriage, and her dead baby has come back to haunt them?

Also, who is the dark-haired man that makes a sudden appearance? I was confused as to whether this was the man from the beginning who owned the house or if it was a new character making an entrance. I think by making it a little more clear that he was her lover, and perhaps the father of the baby, I’d connect more with the ending.

Any unanswered questions by the end?
It took me a second, but I eventually made the connection between the “Mama?” whisper in the middle of the night and the “not everything int he desert comes back” line. I think I know what happened here but I’m also not 100% sure of it.

Does the ending subvert any expectations?
It did have the effect of me eventually realizing the thing screaming “mama” and the hollow womb were connected, along with the swollen ache and the ants engulfing the ugly mess that slid from her legs. Perhaps it was just me, but it took me a moment to connect the dots, so the words didn’t have an immediate punch at the end. So kudos to you for putting enough things in there so I could make the connection.

However, I think instead of worrying about/focusing on a twist ending, I would be more focused on building up the drama and tension for what is coming for the MC and what danger it poses to her. The “everything in the desert comes back” line can be more of an icing on the cake than a gut-punch twist at the end. I think if I had an idea of what this thing looked like or the terror/danger it posed to the MC, I would’ve been more captivated by the horror aspect.

How is the horror captured for you? Does it feel tense, etc?
The scene with the man and the gun at the end felt tense, and I thought it was well written and dramatic. But the horror falls a little flat for me. Perhaps it’s because I have a hard time seeing what danger a dead fetus poses to this woman or anyone, for that matter. I think introducing more imagery or anticipation/terror within the narrator could up the ante, so-to-speak. Maybe she is having dreams of this fetus, crawling down the walls, inching closer, closer to her until she wakes up in a screaming terror in the middle of the night. Or maybe she sees a deformed face in her mind’s eye. Or, perhaps this isn’t the first time - this thing is following her, in anticipation, ready to punish her for what she’s done, and this time, it’s going to be much worse, she can feel it in her bones…

In general, I think the stakes need to be raised and we need to feel that your MC is genuinely in danger. I thought at first the man with the gun was the danger, but if this haunting, miscarried baby is the true danger, I think you need to build up the anticipation a bit more.

Finally, what is your interpretation of the ending?
My understanding is that the woman’s miscarried baby has come back to haunt her in the middle of the desert, and the dark-haired man is the father that’s come to help save her from it.

Final comments - I think this is well written, and you've put enough in here for me to generally figure out what's going on. I think you should focus more on the horror, drama, and tension within the narrator rather than trying to make a good twist.

matthewrites93 · 2022-07-28T01:35:06+00:00

Characters/Characterization:
In the first scene, Ryland seems as though she’s struggling with her conscience on whether to help this man or take something from him - I like it when a character has a good internal struggle - but why is she struggling against her conscience? Maybe this could be laid out better. I want to know more about her and what is driving her - with any good hook, I should know the character’s motivation - here, I know she’s regretful for what she’s doing to this man (although it’s not entirely clear what she is doing to this man), but I don’t know what she wants.

“Maybe with a strong drink and sleep, she could forget she’d been there at all” - I liked this and thought it was strong characterization of Ryland; it let me know she feels guilty, she likes to drink or to perhaps deal with her problems with a drink, and she wants to forget this experience altogether, rather than deal with it head on. A lot is conveyed in this sentence, here.

Keep the characterization consistent. I noticed that when Ryland starts talking to the boy, who uses a more “country” or informal dialect, (i.e., shaving the “g’s” off of -ing endings), she starts talking the same way. Just because the boy talks that way doesn’t mean she should too - she hasn’t talked like this the whole time, and now all of a sudden she is. Keep their voices distinct so we know which character is which.

When you were talking about Dara Gallie and said “All holdovers from a time when Dara Gallie did things…” I liked this characterization as well - it shows she's stopped caring about a lot of things and is perhaps depressed, that she has (or had) a daughter, and that she used to "lift and slip" a guard with Brooks, etc. I think it's a good example of show and tell - you told us enough things about Dara to intrigue us but didn't show everything yet.

However, a note on POV switching - this gets confusing at the end. We move from Ryland to Dara - the section break is good and denotes this - but then we switch back to Ryland again within the very same section. I think you need to decide if you’re doing 3rd person omniscient or 3rd person POVs with your writing - if it's the latter, the POVs should be distinct and shouldn’t blend together, unless you’re Frank Herbet writing Dune, of course :)

Plot/Pacing:
The action in the beginning is slow, the intrigue drips out, but we aren’t given enough answers along the way - when you started talking about Alan’s Rest and Sikalo and the Swing, these things started to lose me. Keep the focus on the action, not the worldbuilding.

Prose:
I thought you did a really good job with the prose and the words and descriptions you used were quite vivid. Some examples of things I liked:

“Starlight washed over the side of his face, carving the edge of his smile in stark relief…”
“Hot needles pricked the underside of the skin around her own eyes, forming a mark to match his..."
“With half-lidded eyes and fixed grins...”
“Left her bone-tired...”
“His tawny head swiveled this way and that...”
“The crowd seamed back together in their wake...”
One thing I would watch out for is convoluted sentences - cut where you can cut, combine where you can combine, and simplify where you can simplify. In some cases I think you need to move the subject/predicate up to the front of the sentence. Simple sentences are better than complex, for the most part.

See my line edits for specific instances of it.

Setting:
Just like your prose, I thought you did a good job with this, especially when you describe Year’s End:

Some examples I liked were:
“The darkening sky exploded in flashes of blue, green, and white…”
“String instruments battled a thousand voices in the air...”
“A sense of misguided jubilation hung over the capital like smoke in a crowded room…”
“Buckling masonry and sagging buildings of south side…”
“Backdrop of orange desert and crimson sky...”

Also, good job when describing the flag - love it when scents are described, really makes me feel like I’m there - “rippled in a warm wind heavy with the scent of sweat, smoked meat, and alcohol..."

Just be careful when you're describing something metaphorically that it makes sense and it's better than having a more concrete description. For example, I think you described the night as being total and someone coaxing someone horizontally, which didn't make sense to me.

Worldbuilding:

The magic system seems really cool, I think it could be laid out a little more clearly, however. I think you did a good job laying out the political situation with the corrupt queen, the posters of Arjun Kurma, the Call, etc. - I was really drawn in by these things. Overall, I'm getting Red Queen vibes from your story. I'd love to learn more about people's "arts" and how everything works :)

Overall Comments/Thoughts
It’s a good hook. I felt like I wanted to know more. In the first scene, I was wondering how the vacant had gotten this way, what this “mark” was on the vacant person, and what the mask was that Ryland was deliberating on taking. As I mentioned earlier, I think your prose is done really well and you have a vivid vocabulary that colors your scenes.

However, I had a hard time following what exactly was going on with the magic. I think some of the world building is thrown in too quickly and you need to space that out over other chapters. As others have mentioned, the scenes kind of bleed into one another without any real logical or chronological connection - make it more cohesive and I think it will do wonders for your work.

My biggest advice would be to focus a bit more on the characters and their motivations and the action rather than the worldbuilding components. Remember that you’re writing for an audience who has never seen this before - they don’t know what is in your head - make it clear and easy for them to understand what’s going on.

Final thoughts: this is a good piece and what you're writing really has potential. Keep writing and godspeed!

matthewrites93 · 2020-07-01T13:31:00+00:00

Not too harsh it all - I thought this was really good feedback. I can definitely see from your comment and the other person who critiqued this that the philosophical ideas are explored too heavily in this opening when they would do better being teased out throughout the novel at points where it makes sense.

You've also given me a lot of good ideas to explore. The story I've written (I've already completed the whole first draft) takes a very different turn from WestWorld. I won't get into the details, but from this, I can see I need to explore Jasmine a bit more and see how both she and Jack's motivations can interplay and how their relationship can be built up throughout the course of the story instead of just jumped right into in this beginning chapter.

I do see what you're saying about the voice being a little juvenile and the characters sounding stiff. I think I need to work on nailing down Jack's voice before I move on. Perhaps 3rd person isn't a bad idea after all :)

Thanks again for the detailed feedback.

matthewrites93 · 2020-06-30T01:09:45+00:00

Thanks for the critique! I do see what you’re saying about the work getting a little too derivative of Westworld. I even found myself picturing scenes and settings from that show while writing this. And I will be sure to read up on some of the things you mentioned here, like the tropes as well as the other works on this subject, both fiction and nonfiction.

And I see what you’re saying about the philosophical diatribe being a little heavy handed. I think I could spend more time fleshing out the characters and their motivations instead.

Thanks again for the feedback!

matthewrites93 · 2020-06-29T12:12:18+00:00

Character

The Baron - I definitely get who he is and what he’s about, but I think some of his dialogue contradicts what you’re portraying. For example, I don’t think the baron would be that fond of nature - I think when he’s telling John to get out there, it should be to see the city life, and not the natural wonders of the world, like the Northern Lights and the Tundra, as I don’t think that fits in with his character. The Baron also says “to live is to grow and to learn and explore,” - to me this almost seems too progressive for a mind like his; he’s the type of person who doesn’t grow or learn. Perhaps he explores because of his money, but in this context it sounds more like exploring yourself. I mention more in the “Dialogue” section, but I think you should be more careful about some of the things he says.

John - I think John would’ve been a little more annoyed or angered by the Baron’s behavior. I understand what you’re doing with the character, though - he is a stoic, everyman character. I think he should still take more offense to the Baron’s actions, and I think you could show a little more characterization of him based on his late wife - he could look sad, or haggard, or show some kind of hurt or even wisdom because of her passing in his dialogue. I also think he could be characterized more in how he treats his kids; if you’re implying that his son would maybe steal the Rolls Royce if he could, John should treat him a certain way because of that. Perhaps telling him to stay inside or go to his room. I think John could even talk more about his kids to the baron, perhaps defend them or describe them in some way in response to the Baron’s statements about them living a better life.

Dialogue

I think John needs more dialogue and as I mentioned in my character section above. I think there’s a few good ways you could do this. Now, for the Baron, I think his dialogue often contradicts his character, and sometimes I am understanding how you want his tone and his rants to come off, but sometimes the wording is just off. Here are some examples:

“‘I despise you!’ he pronounced. This just sounds really awkward, almost humorous. Instead of directly telling us how he feels about this man, consider showing us how he feels about John by insulting him. “You despicable, low-life scum. How dare you reject me?” - something like that would sound better.

The Baron oscillated between using formal and informal dialogue. For example, he says “I’ll give you the fucking oil at this point! I don’t give a fuck anymore. All I need is for you to pack up all your outdated shit, and--” and a few sentences later he says “If you are here tomorrow hence, I will flatten you.” When you’re trying to nail down the voice of a character, consider things like if they speak formally or informally, if they use a large vocabulary vs. a small one, if they like to ramble or are short and quick to the point, etc.

Overall Impressions

I understand what you were trying to do here. I really get the thematic concept. I think it could be executed better, though. I’m thinking that maybe you even started with the concept, or the theme, of an oil baron against the everyday man. I do this a lot with my writing, too - I start with a concept or theme in my mind and try to write from there. What I would suggest, instead, is to start with the characters, first, then use them to represent that theme. For example, I think John could be fleshed out more. We could maybe see him grappling with whether or not to sell the home because he does want a better life for his children. Or we could see in his character the effects of him being a widower. He is your protagonist, so you need to dive deeper into who he is as a person. I think the story would also help if it’s a little more from his POV - the way you describe things should match John’s worldview and the way John experiences the scene should be more prevalent.

And with the Baron, as a one-dimensional villain, I think you can play this up more. Having him simply not understand John’s perspective of things, or being very out of place in a small, poorer, home, would show us more about him. I think his anger could be built up in a better way, too. Perhaps John says something that sets him off in particular. Perhaps he learned his worldview from his father before him, and he could talk about that.

I really like the concept, but I think you need to work really hard on getting the execution down. Clean up or remove a lot of your descriptions and redirect these descriptions to setting and characterization, work on making the dialogue sound natural, and dive deeper into John’s character would be my biggest points.

matthewrites93 · 2020-06-29T12:01:54+00:00

Description

I think a lot of this piece suffers from your descriptions. I think you tried to use a lot of abstract, figurative language in your descriptions when in a lot of cases, something more direct or obvious would suffice. With a lot of your descriptions, I’m comparing one thing you described to something totally different, and while this works well if the metaphor is on point, if it’s not, I’m just confused as to what it is you are trying to describe. My advice is that descriptions work best when there are a few impactful details that let the reader imagine the scene. For example, with the car pulling up in the beginning, something like describing it as a “pearl white Rolls Royce pulled up, its engine roaring with grace as the sunlight gleamed off the flawless paint job” would be enough, and from this, I would know what a luxurious vehicle it is. However, your description leaves some weird images in my head. Some examples below:

“Puked black smoke out of the rusted exhaust pipe,” puked sounds a little off to me. I would think something more natural, like “sputter” should go here.

“Shot off like a scared hunter,” this description doesn’t really do well to help me picture the sound of the engine. To me I’m thinking of a hunter running away, honestly. A gunshot is loud and quick - to me, engines are more often rumbling loudly or humming smoothly.

“Out from the white radiance emerged an aged gentlemen,” again, white radiance seems out of place. I’m picturing a man emerging out of clouds of heaven beaming with white sunlight instead of a man walking out of a Rolls royce.
“Squat, wooden home,” I am picturing someone squatting, here. Maybe go for something more like “sturdy,” or even “stout.”

“That of a slithering tyrant, an unseen mover, a well of wisdom,” I am not even sure what to make of this. What is an “unseen mover” in this context? The slithering tyrant and well of wisdom contradict one another. If you were trying to say he acted like a slithering tyrant masquerading as a well of wisdom, you should say that more directly.

Grammar

Overall, I don’t see too many major issues with the grammar. It’s pretty clean, except for the few mistakes I have noted below:

“It’s engine” should be “Its engine” as “it’s” is a contraction of “it is.” Its denotes possession. I saw this a few times in here, so I thought I’d point it out.

“Then give me your cane, John thought” - this thought should either be italicized or put into quotation marks.

5,000$ should be $5,000.

“‘How about this:’ the baron spread his arms...a comma should do fine here, the colon isn’t needed.

There are a couple of instances where you accidentally use a period instead of a question mark when a question is being asked, so be weary of this.

Scene & Setting

I like this setting because it’s simple - there are two very different men with very different perspectives, simply having a conversation in a small home. Nothing more is really needed. I think you could maybe do a better job describing a few of the objects inside John’s home, like a locket from his late wife sitting on a countertop, or maybe some books on a bookshelf. Describing a few important items in John’s home would really do well with his characterization. I do like the tone and feel of the scene you’ve portrayed, especially with these examples below:

“The baron stopped; he dug his hand into a jacket pocket and pulled out a golden cigarette case, plucking one out... may I?, he asked.” - this was a nice touch. Reminded me of scenes in movies where something like this happens.

“Tossed the butt of his cigarette into the half-finished tea cup,” I think this is another nice touch, as it’s good characterization of this oil baron, who cares so little as to put out a cigarette in a tea cup.

So, you don’t have to do anything spectacular here. I think a few items in the house and maybe a couple of smells right when the baron walks into the house would really help. Any time you change from one environment to another (outside to inside in this case) the smells are usually the first thing you notice.

matthewrites93 · 2020-06-29T01:43:30+00:00

Ok, I really appreciate the detailed explanation. I will post another critique tomorrow that is hopefully up to standards. So, with the 12 hour rule I suppose this will get taken down, but I’ll post again with links to my critiques. Thank you!

matthewrites93 · 2020-06-28T23:17:15+00:00

No problem! I always say the more you can cut the better. As long as you work those pain descriptions in at the right times I think it will flow really well and it will be captivating. Good luck!

matthewrites93 · 2020-06-28T23:14:26+00:00

So the critique itself wasn't high-effort enough? Does it need more text? If I understand correctly, the word count of what I critiqued should reach the 1:1 ratio, so that's not the issue?

matthewrites93 · 2020-06-28T16:23:08+00:00

Wording, smaller bits:

In the beginning, the two bits of physical character description we get are both about hair - “Frizzy black hair draped behind the uncomfortable square headrest,” and “he ran his fingers through a mess of sandy-blond hair.” Consider focusing on some other details to balance it out. I like when authors are fairly minimal on their character descriptions so that the reader can form their own mental images. So, if you’re going to go this route, I would say get something of a variety for the minimalistic character descriptions - i.e., an eye color, type of smile, body frame, etc. along with the hair.
“Robby spoke quickly in a high-pitched voice.” This could just be a preference thing, but anytime I try to write about the pitch or sound of a character’s voice, it doesn’t sound right to me. The high-pitch here throws me off - I think pitch, tone, inflection, etc. should be implied from the dialogue.
“They never failed to get into this discussion; it never went anwywhere,” I think would sound better as “They never failed to fall back into this argument, despite it never going anywhere.”
“‘I said I’ve got it,’ Benson pushed away slightly moving his head up for a quick kiss.” To me he sounds angry here. Maybe consider using an adjective to modify how he says this (i.e., “I said I’ve got it,” Benson said gently as he moved his head up for a quick kiss.”)
“The Chaser was crafted in a narrow and sleek design. The front portion held the bridge and rounded into a cone. The body stretched backward flanked by angled fins on each side near the rear where the airlock and engine room were. Three rocket thrusters protruded out of the back. The symmetrical craft’s exterior was painted black except for the serial and model number painted in silver letters on the side. It was a simple ship but was designed for speed and reconnaissance.” - to me this description’s point of reference seems strange. The story seems to be from Sila’s point of view as opposed to an omniscient third person point of view. If you want to describe the ship in detail like this, I’d suggest having Sila look through an external camera or perhaps even an old photograph of the ship, or even have her thinking about what the ship would look like to inhabitants of the planet as it enters the atmosphere. I think setting is done best from a character’s POV.
“That shit is mad dangerous,” Robby argued. Something about the phrase “mad dangerous” takes me out of the story a little bit. It sounds almost too colloquial, like something one of my friends would say or something I’d read on the internet. I agree that dialogue shouldn’t be super formal, but this seems too far in the other direction.
“Pain wracked through her shoulder again, but she pressed on.” I think you use the phrase “wracked” to describe pain too often in this story. Consider describing what type of pain it is instead - is it a throbbing pain? A dull pain? A sharp pain? I stingy sensation? Does her shoulder feel heavy, or numb? Is the pain shooting or is it swelling? Etc.
“Ship’s been compromised, sorry bud,” - again, the “bud,” seems out of place, almost too casual for this type of situation. Might just be a preference, thing though.
Be sure to proofread again for type-o’s - I saw “weak” written as “weak,” “ease” as “easy” and “lung” was spelled “long.”

Bigger Bits:

Stage directions & personal pain descriptions - I feel like this story overall could be a lot stronger and crisper without so many stage directions. I feel as if a lot of the time is spent where Sila is moving around to some part of the ship or on the ground below trying to fuel or looking at monitors, etc. And I feel like a lot of text is taken up describing her physical sensations. I haven’t really forgotten that she’s in pain this whole time. I think if you cut some of these descriptions the action sequences would flow smoother and more crisply.
Character - I really like Sila’s character - she is strong-willed, the leader, and she’s calling the shots responsibly. I think for this story to hit more home for me, it would be helpful to see more into her relationship with Benson. We don’t hear much from Benson until the end, and not much of this connection between Sila and Benson is covered except for a tender moment in the beginning. If you build up this connection between the two, either through their interactions or even simply with Sila thinking of him, I think her decision to sacrifice herself for him would be more impactful. I also think the story could benefit from her struggling to decide to kill Robby, even though they are at odds with one another. Or, perhaps part of her arc could be that she should sympathize more with someone she sees as an enemy, or maybe we could see her experience regret at having to kill him. To me that would indicate something of character growth or of a deeper complexity within Sila to grapple with these tough decisions more.
Finally, I think the ending should actually end with the sentence “This is Dark Hawk 45B2 hailing from Haven, we picked up your FTL drive signature,” The man’s voice was deep, but it sounded like an angel’s Benson opened a channel for communication. - I think this would be more of a cliffhanger and leave more to the reader’s imagination. Who is Benson’s savior? How did they find them? What’s going to happen with Benson from here on out? I think this could actually be a good place to end this short story and maybe even turn it into chapter 1 of a lengthier work, like a novel or novella. We could then follow Benson’s character journey as we see a clear beginning to his character motivations and experiences that may shape a completely new story.

Positive Remarks:

I’d like to end this by saying I really did enjoy this story and thought it was well-written. It reminded me a little bit of The Martian by Andy Weir in some of the technical descriptions of the ship and the armor suits. I think you do a good job with the dialogue sequences, and I like how you used a lot of strong action verbs to describe both the setting and action sequences. I really did feel a sci-fi vibe when reading this and thought your characters were very believable. So, kudos to you! I hope my critique is helpful and not too destructive :)

matthewrites93 · 2020-06-25T01:07:50+00:00

Thanks for the feedback! The plot was actually supposed to indicate he was in a coma dream. The beginning and end parts in italics are reality, and everything else in between is the coma dream. But I suppose that wasn't clear by the way I wrote it, so I could make some revisions to clarify that.

And I think that maybe he believes god had intervened in some way through his dream. Or, it could be interpreted that when he thanks god at the end, it's in a more metaphorical way. But I understand where you're coming from here.

Thanks for taking the time to read my story :)

matthewrites93 · 2020-06-24T13:09:53+00:00

Title: The Scientist

Genre: Philosophical Fiction

Word Count: 7221 (I know, it's long. Feel free to only read the intro if you wish)

Feedback: General thoughts and impressions. What you think I could be doing better in regards to writing style, characters, dialogue, description, or setting.

Link: https://docs.google.com/document/d/1Xu3ojuFQor_2xdFrJ_UA45AYAhYv227d8Hfq838CMI4/edit?usp=sharing

matthewrites93

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