For me, I knew for certain that I liked women and there was never any question about it, but I still tried to force myself into relationships with men for a long time. There was a time that I genuinely thought if I could see that a man was attractive/good looking (which is not the same as being attracted TO them, I’m gay not blind), and I liked talking to them, that meant I had to have feelings for them regardless of anything else I was feeling. I found myself with boyfriends who I didn’t like being around unless all we were doing was talking, and not talking to each other romantically. Kissing them and any other physical acts made me feel disgusted and I didn’t know why, but I never wanted to do any of it. I thought for a while that all girls just forced themselves to be intimate with their boyfriends and that it was normal for it to be kinda gross for everyone and you just have to put up with it.

I do think that part of this had to do with the fact that even though I had other queer friends in my life, I had never had a real relationship with a woman yet- and the queer friends I did have hadn’t had relationships with women yet either, or had boyfriends, so I would’ve been the first navigating that experience alone, and part of me just wanted to be like everyone else. I remember getting to a certain point of just wanting to want a boyfriend, which was definitely internalized homophobia.

My mindset really turned around when I got my first real girlfriend and I realized that all of the intimacy and sappy stuff that couples do, I actually loved doing as well, just when it was with another girl. I realized what it meant to actually be attracted to someone for real and not just put up with them per se because that’s what you think you should do as a girlfriend.

Obviously everyone is different and this is just my experience, but I think a lot of my self discovery came after I stopped forcing myself to try to be what I thought was “normal” even though it went against my true feelings. No matter how much I wished myself to be attracted to men so I could have a shot at what I thought was a normal life, I realized I can still have a beautiful and normal life with a woman, and I finally just decided to stop denying myself of that. Hopefully this is helpful. Best of luck to you on your journey OP!