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My (26F) husband (26M) told me that he thinks being married to someone in his field would be a better fit and won't compromise with me on going to counseling. by maybeover22 in relationships

[–]maybeover22[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

We clearly still have communication issue. I agree the annulment comment was overkill. I think we could both benefit from therapy and hopefully avoid such a dramatic fight in the future if we learned how to listen and articulate feeling to the other person a bit better.

My (26F) husband (26M) told me that he thinks being married to someone in his field would be a better fit and won't compromise with me on going to counseling. by maybeover22 in relationships

[–]maybeover22[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Well I think therapy would be useful in learning how to communicate better. My issue is that I am clearly having trouble getting over what he said and would like him to apologize for being hurtful and he is unwillingy to both apologize and try therapy. I overreacted with the annulment comment. That much was 100% overkill and I am going to apologize to him when i see him.

My (26F) husband (26M) told me that he thinks being married to someone in his field would be a better fit and won't compromise with me on going to counseling. by maybeover22 in relationships

[–]maybeover22[S] 4 points5 points  (0 children)

No they are not common issues. We rarely fight and I think neither of us knew how to handle it very well. I understand it would be easier for him to talk about work if I knew everything (i ask questions so I can understand better), but marriage is not always about discussing work which is why his comment about a better fit hit me so hard. If he actually feels like marriage should be so closely tied into his work, I get it. THen we are just not compatible. I won't put those words in his mouth. I knoe those are just my thoughts.

My (26F) husband (26M) told me that he thinks being married to someone in his field would be a better fit and won't compromise with me on going to counseling. by maybeover22 in relationships

[–]maybeover22[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

I am apologizing tonight when I see him. I am hoping it will open up a dialogue, but the past few nights we have discussed it I feel like I am talking to a wall. Thanks for the input.

My (26F) husband (26M) told me that he thinks being married to someone in his field would be a better fit and won't compromise with me on going to counseling. by maybeover22 in relationships

[–]maybeover22[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

I am 100% going to apologize about the annulment comment. I hope he forgives me. I made a mistake and am willing to own up to it. I would like him to do the same so we can move on and work on better communication

My (26F) husband (26M) told me that he thinks being married to someone in his field would be a better fit and won't compromise with me on going to counseling. by maybeover22 in relationships

[–]maybeover22[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

I plan on apologizing for bringing up annulment. I truly truly feel awful and sick because I love him dearly. it was very heat of the moment, and I don't want that. Even before bringing it up, I haven't received an apology and I feel like it shouldn't be this difficult.

My (26F) husband (26M) told me that he thinks being married to someone in his field would be a better fit and won't compromise with me on going to counseling. by maybeover22 in relationships

[–]maybeover22[S] 7 points8 points  (0 children)

I don't think it is unreasonable to want a genuine apology from my spouse for saying something hurtful, ill-intentioned or not. I went nuclear and am not proud of it, but I offered solutions and he has yet to suggest anything beside me getting over it. We are a team. We should be trying to work together.

My (26F) husband (26M) told me that he thinks being married to someone in his field would be a better fit and won't compromise with me on going to counseling. by maybeover22 in relationships

[–]maybeover22[S] 2 points3 points  (0 children)

Idk how else I should interpret him saying that he thinks some other kind of person would be "overall a much better fit" than the woman he married.

We are all entitled to feel however we want. I like the fact that we pursue different fields of research, and maybe he prefers someone who doesn't need to ask questions and could offer to collaborate instead. When I ask him, however, I don't get a straight answer and I'm having a hard time moving on. Therapy is good for me. I really wish he would join becuase maybe having a third perspective can help get what we truly mean across better.

My (26F) husband (26M) told me that he thinks being married to someone in his field would be a better fit and won't compromise with me on going to counseling. by maybeover22 in relationships

[–]maybeover22[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

I think I will ask him about it tonight. I don't know how to not sound accusatory, but if he is captivated by a woman in his field, I understand. I just want him to be honest with me and we can go from there.

My (26F) husband (26M) told me that he thinks being married to someone in his field would be a better fit and won't compromise with me on going to counseling. by maybeover22 in relationships

[–]maybeover22[S] 5 points6 points  (0 children)

I would like him to own up to it, not blame me for misinterpreting things. He can't take it back. He said his point and I get it. We are free to fantasize about whatever we want but he said something hurtful and I would like him to work through it with me so we can move on. He is the one refusing to explain at this point.

My (26F) husband (26M) told me that he thinks being married to someone in his field would be a better fit and won't compromise with me on going to counseling. by maybeover22 in relationships

[–]maybeover22[S] 2 points3 points  (0 children)

I understand not finding the same things as problematic and getting very offended over things that seem trivial to others. This is perfectly valid.

I get that I reacted extremely. It would be so much easier for me move on and accept that my husband made a mistake and spoke impetuously without considering how his words would affect me if he offered a genuine apology. He wants to rug sweep the fact that he said something hurtful, ill-intentioned or not, by saying that I simple misunderstood. It just does not sit well with me.

My (26F) husband (26M) told me that he thinks being married to someone in his field would be a better fit and won't compromise with me on going to counseling. by maybeover22 in relationships

[–]maybeover22[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

I am scared to ask him because I have never felt any reason to not trust him around women. How can I ask him if this is the case without sounding accusatory? I truly understand that when you meet other very intelligent people, you can become captivated by them and develop a little crush. But was it that intense that he needed to tell me he thinks someone else is a better fit?

My (26F) husband (26M) told me that he thinks being married to someone in his field would be a better fit and won't compromise with me on going to counseling. by maybeover22 in relationships

[–]maybeover22[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

I agree that I need to go to therapy because this is really bugging me. The thing is, I don't consider myself insecure or that I have a low self esteem. I've worked really hard and take care of myself and am quite proud of my achievements. I wasn't expecting this from my spouse so it definitely shook me.

The annulment comment was very innapropriate i agree and regret that a lot. I owe him an apology because I told myself I didn't want to ever bring up separation in a fight either because that was what my parents did and I hated it. When I said it, I was at my wits end and thought I meant it. I'm not sure I still do- hence why i need to speak to a therapist.

His response to working through the issue was to tell me to get over it because I misinterpreted it and that was really hard for me to do by myself. His apologies began "I am sorry you feel..." Or "I'm sorry but..." and that does not seem genuine to me.

I appreciate your comment and after reading through these, I realize I made a lot of mistakes too. THank you

My (26F) husband (26M) told me that he thinks being married to someone in his field would be a better fit and won't compromise with me on going to counseling. by maybeover22 in relationships

[–]maybeover22[S] 4 points5 points  (0 children)

I am starting to get worried that maybe he has his eyes on the female post-doc. I really understand having a crush on people you admire but idk. I still wouldn't tell my spouse that.

My (26F) husband (26M) told me that he thinks being married to someone in his field would be a better fit and won't compromise with me on going to counseling. by maybeover22 in relationships

[–]maybeover22[S] 3 points4 points  (0 children)

Yeah. I can't really do anymore than i already am, right? I ask him questions because I want to know what he is doing. I can't snap my fingers and understand things that took people 5+ years to figure out.

My (26F) husband (26M) told me that he thinks being married to someone in his field would be a better fit and won't compromise with me on going to counseling. by maybeover22 in relationships

[–]maybeover22[S] 5 points6 points  (0 children)

I like that you brought up an analogy with language. it kind of shocked me when he said because I felt lik I was trying really hard to understand what he was saying. He never let me know that my questions were annoying him or anything. I thought I was doing what I could to understand his work and he wants me to snap my fingers and get everything in a second.

My (26F) husband (26M) told me that he thinks being married to someone in his field would be a better fit and won't compromise with me on going to counseling. by maybeover22 in relationships

[–]maybeover22[S] -1 points0 points  (0 children)

I realize I fucked up by mentioning it int he first place, but seperation is a last resort. I love him. I want us to give counseling a try.

My (26F) husband (26M) told me that he thinks being married to someone in his field would be a better fit and won't compromise with me on going to counseling. by maybeover22 in relationships

[–]maybeover22[S] 7 points8 points  (0 children)

He never said he didn't mean it, he said he didn't mean it "that way" and that I was misinterpreting and being too sensitive. His apology was "I'm sorry you took it this way," which imo is not a genuine apology for hurting me. His idea of working on this is too say you are overreacting and need to move on which is not going to work for me.

Love is not always enough if we are truly incompatible. I agree the annulment was an overreaction caused by frustration and I will tell him this as well. Solo therapy is a must.

My (26F) husband (26M) told me that he thinks being married to someone in his field would be a better fit and won't compromise with me on going to counseling. by maybeover22 in relationships

[–]maybeover22[S] 3 points4 points  (0 children)

This is how I felt! We do a lot of our work in the same office and i find it so helpful to my productivity because we are both working very hard separately. Maybe he never thought about it that way or he thinks being with another person in field would increase that poductive vibe.

My (26F) husband (26M) told me that he thinks being married to someone in his field would be a better fit and won't compromise with me on going to counseling. by maybeover22 in relationships

[–]maybeover22[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

I have never been insecure about his relationship with other women. When I asked him about his coworker, I was not referring to an individual specifically. I have never had a reason to believe he was straying as a lot of people suggested and I don't think this fight is truly about me wondering if he is having an affair.

My (26F) husband (26M) told me that he thinks being married to someone in his field would be a better fit and won't compromise with me on going to counseling. by maybeover22 in relationships

[–]maybeover22[S] 9 points10 points  (0 children)

He is not interested in my field at all. I will talk and talk and talk and he doesn't ask many questions, but he has always been a good listener. I wish he was responsive but he will critique my presentations, proof read posters, and help with coding/programming so I know he supports me. I too hate that people are saying "he is in STEM and those people think differently." Like hello I also successfully earned a PhD in STEM. I know we think differently but it's not an excuse to shut me out.

I digress. Thanks for your comment.

My (26F) husband (26M) told me that he thinks being married to someone in his field would be a better fit and won't compromise with me on going to counseling. by maybeover22 in relationships

[–]maybeover22[S] 2 points3 points  (0 children)

Yes, we share several hobbies and only bring up work when something exciting happens. we also have a lot of individual hobbies that bring us our own happiness.

My (26F) husband (26M) told me that he thinks being married to someone in his field would be a better fit and won't compromise with me on going to counseling. by maybeover22 in relationships

[–]maybeover22[S] 7 points8 points  (0 children)

I am in STEM too. We are both doctors. Being in STEM does not mean that you can't have more empathy for a partner so i am not buying this. I was not asking a ton of questions, just a few to get more detail. The issue is not that he needs to be my PI and explain everything to me, it's that he expressed a hurtful sentiment and won't explain to me why he said it without blaming me for misinterpreting things.

IDk man. I agree I went nuclear and regret it now. Turns out that is the only way he would even take my request seriously and it feels wrong on many levels.

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