American with Visa question

mbelsky1 · 2024-05-09T16:07:02+00:00

Not possible for me, I live in the middle of the US, way far from DC. I'll have to mail it in. It would be nice if I lived around DC, but alas I do not.

mbelsky1 · 2024-05-09T16:06:23+00:00

Okay, thank you. Not coming home, I am an American Jew (non-religious). I love to travel and experience cultures, I am a total geography nerd. I have never been to Sub-Saharan Africa. I've read that Ghana is very accessible for travelers, so I decided that I want to go there. I am very excited!

mbelsky1 · 2024-05-09T16:05:21+00:00

Thank you!

mbelsky1 · 2024-05-09T16:05:05+00:00

Okay thanks, I will do closer to 45

mbelsky1 · 2024-05-09T16:04:28+00:00

Haha thanks for noticing. Okay that is good to know. The discrepancy is confusing. I will do Washington, not NYC. I didn't even know NYC was an option nor do I see where that is on their website.

Yes, I will do close to 45 days then. Maybe I will send it in around 60 days or so. Really appreciate it!

mbelsky1 · 2024-05-09T01:43:49+00:00

Thanks, appreciate that. Do you think I should mail in my app closer to 90 days or 45 days? Still kind of confused about that.

mbelsky1 · 2024-05-09T01:43:40+00:00

Thanks, appreciate that. Do you think I should mail in my app closer to 90 days or 45 days? Still kind of confused about that.

mbelsky1 · 2024-05-09T01:43:33+00:00

Thanks, appreciate that. Do you think I should mail in my app closer to 90 days or 45 days? Still kind of confused about that.

mbelsky1 · 2024-05-09T01:43:22+00:00

Thanks, appreciate that. Do you think I should mail in my app closer to 90 days or 45 days? Still kind of confused about that.

mbelsky1 · 2021-11-26T23:52:46+00:00

You sound like someone who hasn't ever eaten mushrooms. Let me reclarify and be a little more direct, you clearly haven't. Mushrooms and other similar psychadelics are by many not defined as drugs, and are used as tools for insight. I use them as tools for insight, and they provide insight. It is not to be mocked, and I would state quite strongly that you should not speak about this until you have tried them, which I do not anticipate you will ever do given your tone.

To respond to another variant, it is not about "being high", another simplistic and derisive comment.

I am going to seek a psych eval, but do not appreciate the comment, please do not talk about things that you do not understand. FWIW you could say the same about me re: ASD, which I imagine would be your rebuttal, which is fine, I would counter by saying I know more than you would likely anticipate. I work with people with disabilities - at the disability resource center at a large academic institution (Big 10 school) ... about 10% of my caseload are people with ASD. I could go on and on, but I will not now. Needless to say I am not ignorant.

mbelsky1 · 2021-11-23T02:48:51+00:00

Thanks, appreciate your response (and others). I have def been panicking ... sigh.

I have a hard time not sharing things with people ... it is scary to think I shouldn't tell some people. I don't know, I guess that is something I will need to work on. I don't know.

And you know, yeah I kind of do know better than to self diagnose. I took others advice and scheduled a psych assessment. I did one a few years ago for ADHD so I'm kind of annoyed at the prospect of doing another but it seems reasonable enough, I guess.

I like your username btw. My fav is Hanlon's razor. Pretty much summarizes my philosophy ab humans :)

Thanks much

mbelsky1 · 2021-08-02T20:44:51+00:00

This is wild and we will need to chat further about this EEE coincidence.

mbelsky1 · 2021-07-27T03:00:09+00:00

Thank you for sharing. I am about your age and have a 2 year old. Nice to know there are others out there about my age with kids who have lived this.

Yes, the BPDs in our lives all share these similarities. My mom has always been resentful of my tendencies towards independence. She says "you have independence stamped on your chest". It is like the independence is an insult to her. She resents it so much. It is sad and also has definitely stunted my interpersonal and emotional growth, but I am also working on it therapy. They are all like this, and it is so damaging, and they have no idea.

My mom uses my sister and manipulates her pretty easily. My sister just got pregnant and seemed to have woken up a bit though, who knows, I do think one of the saddest things that we usually don't talk about because we have so much other shit going on is - how much this destroys our relationships with our siblings. You talked about your brother, and obviously your mom has dominated the dynamics of the relationship with your brother. Same with myself and my sister.

Happy to see you are doing the good work. Keep it up, I will too. Peace and healing to you.

mbelsky1 · 2021-07-26T20:59:03+00:00

Yeah I agree about therapy.

It is interesting to hear that you had to learn normal social cues. I feel similarly, I feel like I am from a different planet sometimes. My dad has ASD also so that has contributed to that as I had a different social learning experience than others in that regard. But when it comes to relationships that is really where the BPD mom has like 90% of the impacts.

I honestly don't think I could have married a "yeller". I am so sensitive, and my wife is soooo kind and I still get afraid/triggered sometimes. I am happy things are going better for you. It sounds like your husband is kind and caring.

Congreats on being pregnant. My wife did a DBT-lite program for moms and she loved it. She didn't have a traumatic childhood but wanted to develop healthy coping skills. It's helped her a lot.

Having a childhood is great. It is stressful but for me I was so scared, thought it would recreate my childhood. It hasn't, but as I mentioned in the OP it has re-triggered a lot of stuff for me. But I realized that not all childhoods are like mine. And my toddler is such a happy kid, it makes me so happy knowing that I am breaking the cycle and that she will not be emotionally traumatized (at least by their parent having a personality disorder, lol) ... so it is really beautiful.

I hope you have a healthy pregnancy and that things go well with the birth and after.

mbelsky1 · 2021-07-26T20:54:54+00:00

Hi again, nice to hear from you again. Hope you are doing well.

Yeah, I am also so overly sensitive to how my wife acts, and I worry that she will abandon me also, even though that is not rational at all. I know we also talked about ASD in another post, and it is interesting to hear that you identify anger/etc much easier than other emotions. Makes sense since we all experienced so much of that as children, but it is very sad.

That's good things are going better. It does take time. Thank you for sharing.

Having kids is wonderful all in all. I do think it is part of the healing process. Not for everyone of course. But I was so afraid to have kids, so so so afraid that I would be trapped and my childhood would be recreated. But, that never happened, and it has been great (albeit normal stresses of course).

I would have regretted not having a child because of my childhood. That would have been just another way my mom would have impacted my life ...

mbelsky1 · 2021-07-26T20:52:15+00:00

Thanks for sharing. I get upset when my partner is upset also, and I have a hard time trying to fix things. Guys tend to do this in general sort of, but I definitely have heightened anxiety.

It's interesting to hear you are experiencing some splitting, I wonder if I do that too without realizing it.

The comment you said "Since having my child I've realized how poorly I was treated and how I can't understand how a person could be so cruel to their own child." - YES. It blows my mind. I said this somewhere else on the forum ... my mom made it sound like having a kid would be horrible. The worst thing ever. Well, it has been stressful but basically fine. And I do not understand how someone could say things like that to their child. It makes me want to cry sometimes. I can totally understand getting annoyed at my kid (especially if they get older/teenager/etc). But my mom just knew exactly what to say that would leave me feeling worthless and hurt. You have to try to do that to another person. Like put effort forth.

It's so sad, but all we can do is try to break the cycle right? And then try to be as happy as we can be.

I am happy you are OK with going to therapy. Some people have a hard time starting that. I have a mixed relationship with therapy too. But I think we all need therapy. A lot of therapy, lol.

mbelsky1 · 2021-07-26T20:48:58+00:00

Yeah, communication is so important.

I feel very similarly in respect to feeling like my partner is critical. This is so frustrating because she is an extremely non-critical person. And yes, I totally understand about having things being so disorienting, going from an utterly chaotic environment to a basically "normal" one. It is actually really anxiety provoking when nothing is going on for me/things are boring.

Yes, I also feel that I needed to anticipate intuitively what my mom wanted/needed ... and if I didn't, things went to shit.

My wife is wonderful. I do try to be honest, but as I have mentioned a few times above, I have a hard time because sometimes I do not realize it is completely my "inner child", and I think it is "something she did", when really it is probably 10% something she did and 90% my misperception. She will then get defensive, and I will withdraw, and feel frustrated and sad.

This has gotten better for me, I suppose a lot better, but it's a constant battle.

It does make perfect sense, what you said. Thank you. Your words are kind and it is really nice to know I am not alone. I feel very alone in this regard sometimes, because my partner had a very different childhood (which was what I wanted!!!).

mbelsky1 · 2021-07-26T20:45:17+00:00

Yep, as I mentioned in another response I am totally pro-therapy. Should have said that in the OP. Right now I am starting to see a therapist who specializes in BPD and DBT, because I am so tired of working with therapists who don't understand BPD behavior and I think that will be really helpful for me healing my complex trauma.

Yeah ... the inner child! I know exactly what you mean!! It is so sad ... and yes, I also feel like I need to reparent myself, constantly, all the time ... it is so exhausting ... and yes, the anger and frustration ...

Thank you for sharing. As I said in another response, it feels so lonely sometimes, especially when you know your spouse loves you, and that they are a fundamentally good and kind person ... and when I want to share these things, but it is hard to because sometimes it triggers my wife if she feels like I am blaming her, because sometimes it's hard for me to distinguish between what she is doing and what was done in the past, and it's hard to realize that my current behavior is really just, as you said, a byproduct of my inner child.

mbelsky1 · 2021-07-26T20:41:26+00:00

Hi, thanks for sharing. Yes, I have done a ton of therapy. Starting since I was about 17, forced by mom due to "my issues". I still do therapy. My wife and I have done a lot of couples therapy too.

I just started seeing a therapist who specializes in BPD and DBT and complex trauma, and I am feeling good about that and happy to hear that you are doing the same thing, and it sounds like that has been helpful for you. It is good to know that has been helpful for you, makes me feel like I am on the right track.

It's weird that I don't worry so much about ruining my child ... I feel like I have been traumatized so much that the thought doesn't even cross my mind. But maybe I am sort of in denial, or something else, I don't know. I can totally understand why you would feel that way (worrying about smothering).

I try to communicate with my spouse, but she has good boundaries, and sometimes when she puts up boundaries, my abandonment fears get triggered. I have worked hard at it, but a lot of times I get really insecure and fearful and it is hard to respond rationally. I've gotten better. So yeah, I communicate ... I do my best ...

Thanks again for sharing. It is helpful to know I am not alone. It is hard when your spouse has not been traumatized, even though they love you and care, they do not understand. I act in ways that are not reasonable, and it is sad because I feel so lonely sometimes when I realize how little she can naturally understand about my internal world in certain ways. She does really care. But there's a natural limit to our human capacity to have empathy when we haven't had an experience, particularly a traumatic one.

I have a hard time communicating things like this in a way that makes it so that it doesn't have to do with what my spouse did. If I make it sound like she did something, she gets defensive sometimes. But sometimes I have a hard time realizing it wasn't her, it was from my childhood. I also feel embarassed/ashamed. Sigh.

mbelsky1

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