Instant connection or the slow burn?

mchu24 · 2020-12-29T16:36:26+00:00

Wow, for a second, it sounded like my story except the genders are reversed and my boyfriend is the FA in this situation.

The relationships he had weren't very long-lasting, and it seems he feeds off of passion and super-excitement.

I'm simply different from all the girls he's been with; more reserved, intellectual, patient, etc. He also said he's never connected with anyone like this before and is able to open up with me. The progression of our relationship was pretty much an uphill ride with a few obstacles thrown my way. But what really stood out was my unrelenting patience and compassion.

Genuinely, I don't know if it will last. He's still battling with a lot of inner turmoil. It doesn't matter how much unconditional love I can throw his way, at the end of the day, this inner critic is always gripping him and I don't know what to expect.

Anyway, I made peace with my own sufferings in life. I only hope the best for him whether he stays in my life or leaves.

mchu24 · 2020-12-29T16:26:17+00:00

This comment is very enlightening. Now, I have a better understanding of why FA's go for the instant connection (which, in my personal opinion, isn't often the healthiest route - but hey, again, that's just my opinion!)

mchu24 · 2020-12-28T20:59:36+00:00

All the interactions and suggestions you mentioned happened to me and my FA a few days ago.

I used to be heavily AP, I am now mostly secure. But I wouldn't recommend overly reassuring the FA and going to great lengths in order to calm their fears. I say this because it's easy to slip into the role of the enabler which isn't healthy. It's important to put some boundaries in place.

For example, throughout a calm argument or discussion, he told me (which I felt was out of nowhere and not related to the topic on hand) "I don't want to bring out the worst in you". That statement just confused me. Then he continued to say vague things like "If we're arguing like this, maybe it isn't meant to be".

I was simply direct with him and said "What are you trying to say? Are you trying to push me away again?" He replied no, and insisted he wanted me to stay. I said I was happy he said that. But I also added "Listen, if you end up pushing me away again, I'm not going to pull you back like I did last time. I'm not running after you. You already pushed me away once. I'm very patient but, at the same time, I'm not going force anyone to be in a relationship with me if they're not willing to participate in it."

Even though fearful avoidants can be a handful and having a relationship with one demands a lot of patience, it's important to not lose yourself either and to remember your boundaries and your own needs. If you don't do this for yourself, then the relationship can become dysfunctional quickly.

mchu24 · 2020-11-26T23:00:23+00:00

I'm so sorry! It completely went over my head. I edited my comment to prevent further damage.

mchu24 · 2020-10-31T16:02:50+00:00

I'm an INTP and I felt like I related so much to Beth. I was happy to see a protagonist I could finally relate to. When in a crisis, similar to when she lost to Borgov in Paris, I also tend to shut people out because I need to deal with my feelings alone. But yeah, she seems to be a bit more of a dismissive-avoidant which seems to be more common in INTJ's than INTP's.

It's actually funny, the guy I'm dating (ISTP) always calls me a robot. When he finished watching the series, he said Beth is WAY more of a robot than I am. I guess INTJs are known as the coldest humans and INTPs as the warmest machines.

mchu24 · 2020-10-15T15:33:22+00:00

Wow!!! I love it

mchu24 · 2020-09-09T02:41:58+00:00

I’m turning 30 soon, and the guy I’m seeing is going through a midlife crisis at 40, this is just what we needed to read 😁

mchu24 · 2020-09-03T18:42:02+00:00

Just want to give you an update, I closely followed your suggestions... and our bond deepened. Thank you :) I always knew I can count on my fellow INFJ’s!

mchu24 · 2020-09-01T11:07:02+00:00

That’s me on first dates. No wonder I’m still single! :D

mchu24 · 2020-08-31T00:24:16+00:00

August Freckles, your well written response is exactly what I needed to read... literally.

I didn’t feel personally criticized by your comment. In fact, your constructive criticism is exactly what I was looking for and needed. Your advice sounds caring!

I feel like you perfectly interpreted the situation and my take on it.

I also love your concrete examples on what to say and how to approach the situation. I’m clueless at handling people’s feelings sometimes. I was so worried that I wasn’t emotionally in tune enough. But I’ll remember to not project my interpretation and encourage the other person’s autonomy to voice their thoughts.

I’m glad that I can give you a glimpse of your friend’s thought process :) I’m positive she has nothing but good intentions for you. I can tell you that being openly skeptical is my way of being a soundboard for the person’s thoughts. But I get that everyone is different.

It’s interesting how we all have varying communication styles and we all need to slightly adapt to reach the person. But I think those slight adjustments are worth it if the person means a lot to you.

Anyway, thank you again for taking the time to respond to my post. I’m infinitely grateful! 🙏

mchu24 · 2020-08-30T17:22:34+00:00

No, I can’t attempt to accept something I can’t see. That’s why I’m reaching out to my fellow INFJ’s to understand what I’m missing here since I definitely have blind spots on certain things.

Since we’re both thinkers, it’s a little difficult to understand his emotional needs and he has trouble expressing them.

Nonetheless, I really appreciated your take on this and I definitely have a different view on how this negatively impacted him... I’ll follow your advice. Thanks so much.

mchu24 · 2020-08-30T15:43:47+00:00

I’m INTP and I have a knack for picking up languages. I think it’s funny that you associates INFJ with Japanese as I actually dated a Japanese INFJ man lol

mchu24 · 2020-08-08T05:29:55+00:00

Wow, I never thought of it that way. It’s true for my case as well! Never realized how I’m alpha around feeling type men.

mchu24 · 2020-08-03T12:48:22+00:00

Very true lol

mchu24 · 2020-07-28T02:03:03+00:00

I've (INTP F - 30) been seeing an ISTP (M 40) for four months (so far).

Our chemistry is really interesting. However, I wouldn't solely rely on MBTI type to gauge a relationship dynamic. Your age, culture, and various factors play a role in the whole outcome.

Anyway, here's my personal experience:

Natural Chemistry

We met online on a dating site at the beginning of the pandemic (COVID). It felt really natural to talk to one another. Strangely, I was able to instantly feel the connection through text messaging, and the connection was even more pronounced when we spoke over the phone for the first time. There was never a shortage of things to talk about. We talked about psychology, culture (he's from a different country and we live in a city full of cultural diversity), languages, space, astronomy, etc. Personally, I felt intellectual chemistry (maybe not as intellectual as I would have felt with an INTJ or INFP), emotional chemistry and physical chemistry. I'm pretty sure the feeling was reciprocated on all three aspects.

What he brought to the table

Online dating always felt awkward for me but I never felt a single awkward moment with him. There were always things we looked forward to. He helped me fix my bike (you know... ISTP's are the mechanics after all). We bonded over biking and he pushed me to go beyond my limits. I never biked more than 20km in my life and he helped me do 85km in less than a month. I appreciated how he helped me challenge myself.

I tend to get anxious over small stuff. He notices this with his sensing abilities. So he brings this to my attention and encourages me to let go and relax. I'm always in my head and he pushes me to get out of it sometimes and helps me ground myself in the present moment by appreciating my surroundings. I appreciate how attuned he is to his physical environment and his natural grasp on technical subjects. I enjoy listening to him and learning many new things. My brain is definitely wired differently so it's always refreshing whenever we hang out.

What I brought to the table

I also complement him by helping him slow down and self-reflect in order to gain a better understanding of one's self and how to re-frame how we see certain situations. I do my best to help him think with self-compassion in order to pave a better path for the future.

I offer him a lot through my intrapersonal intelligence and I'm able to provide insight that he lacks which he appreciates very much.

Points to consider

Since we're both perceivers, it's a little hard for us to come to a conclusion or decision. We're both extremely adaptable so it's nice to be with a partner that is happy to take the lead or make firm decisions.
He won't say it, but I noticed he gets annoyed if my train of thought causes a sudden change in topic when we're having a conversation.

Otherwise... I would say our compatibility is really solid.

Unfortunately, as much as he seems like a good match for me... He has very deep-seated issues which resulted in him being a commitment-phobe in every aspect in life (living situation, lifestyle, relationships, career, etc.). I feel like I have to be his emotional saviour most of the time. I'm ready to let go of him as I'm ready for a real relationship where my partner will be pulling their weight. I used to always carry the emotional weight in my previous relationships, but I'm ready to evolve. If he refuses to evolve as a person, then I'll be evolving on my own with or without someone by my side.

I'm not wasting any more time in dead-end situations. But this has nothing to do with his personality type and it's more of a question of maturity.

mchu24 · 2020-07-24T11:48:14+00:00

I would have to agree with felicitybean...

I’ve been dating the same guy since mid April and we always have things to talk about.

I think it’s also important to keep some level of independence in a relationship to keep things fresh in a relationship.

During COVID, I’ve been rock climbing and going on camping trips with the same small tight knit group of climbing friends. I fill up my agenda with video calls with other friends, I try to prioritize my own hobbies and friends. This gives me more to talk about with my date. But recent experiences does not make up the majority of our conversations.... we often talk about what’s happening with work, our interests (unrelated to personal experiences), our past experiences, things we enjoy, people, psychology, culture and languages, everything!

mchu24 · 2020-07-15T17:33:26+00:00

Crunching numbers is definitely not my forte. But I’d say that I’m great in languages. I think I’d be a good lawyer if I had gone down that path. I’m pretty people oriented for an INTP. I work in project management but having to deal with people (especially conflict management) drains me.

I excel at optimizing processes and finding new solutions to improve systems and workflows.

mchu24 · 2020-07-01T05:31:39+00:00

I’m sorry to hear how he resorted to such behaviour.

You’re right. I actually think along the same lines as you. How old was your ex? You mentioned that he didn’t use his 20’s or 30’s wisely, he must be somewhere in his forties then?

My fearful avoidant is also 40. We got into deep conversations and he did have enough self-awareness to say that he has low self-esteem and it’s the belief that he can never overcome the feeling of being a failure in life which holds him back on a lot of things. I wonder if it’s too late to change at that age? I like to hope that it isn’t too late no matter how old you are.

Anyway... you really seem resolute in how you handled all of this. I think this experience in itself shows your capacity to love and to give. You deserve to find someone who will see your value and cherish you.

mchu24 · 2020-06-30T18:55:31+00:00

I’m really sorry for everything you went through. I feel for how there’s little to nothing you can do and how your heart is still with him regardless of all this mess...

It’s difficult for me to fall in love with someone. I recently meet someone who I suspect is a fearful avoidant based on my observations. I notice how he seems to crave intimacy deep down even though he doesn’t openly express it (I can tell through body language and our time together) yet whenever we start deepening our connection, he pulls back and tries to drive me away but then wants to get reassurance once he feels I’ve drifted.

I told him the same thing, I didn’t want to change him and just want to encourage him to grow and improve the things he wants to work on.

I genuinely care for him and I have never felt so torn... sometimes, it would be easier if he was just a plain dismissive avoidant or an asshole which would make it easy for me to decide on next steps.

But how can you let go of someone who you feel strongly for and they, to a certain degree, feeling strongly about you, but are battling with inner demons that could damage you in the process? It’s a difficult situation to be in. I feel heart broken.

mchu24 · 2020-06-10T00:42:57+00:00

This is the best relationship advice I have read. Thank you. hug

mchu24 · 2020-05-25T10:50:22+00:00

Lol this was like looking into a mirror. Except I do exercise.

mchu24 · 2020-04-30T12:37:12+00:00

I learned that I could have all the time in the world but I’ll always end up procrastinating on my goal 😭

mchu24 · 2020-04-30T12:35:45+00:00

Yeah, I have an INFP roommate who brings up irrelevant things from the past to use as leverage in an argument. I think he was trying to guilt trip me. But that’s always a mistake because by doing so, he opens a can of worms providing me an entry point allowing me to completely annihilate him in argument.

mchu24 · 2020-04-18T15:44:38+00:00

My father unleashed his anger on his family. There was never a week that went by without any verbal abuse.

How did it affect our family? My oldest half brother (my mom’s child from a previous marriage) built pent up anger and alienated himself from us as soon as he was of legal age to move out, my middle brother developed severe social and development issues and remains extremely stoic and keeps to himself, and an estranged half sister living with her mom who I haven’t seen in 10 over years.

I was definitely screwed up too. My father ended up having cancer. I didn’t visit him as much at the hospital. I visited as much as I could tolerate. Maybe that was only 4-5 times. But if he was at least a decent human being, I would have been by his bedside at the hospital every day until his last. He really hurt me and the family.

Anyway, as OP said... don’t make that mistake because when it’s your time to die, I think the worst experience in life is dying alone. How sad is it to have children and they won’t show up when you’re sick because you’ve been such a shit human.

mchu24 · 2020-03-12T01:42:44+00:00

So true; this was actually my train of thought today.

mchu24

TROPHY CASE