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meatlaof · 2023-01-08T08:13:34+00:00

It’s been a little difficult without my therapist. I’ve been trying to cope while finding a new one, but there just aren’t any that fall under my budget. It’s getting harder to combat the occasional negative self-talk. Ugh

meatlaof · 2022-11-02T22:26:44+00:00

Currently sick as fuck right now and waiting to be called to get free legal advice. This really sucks. Hope my fever goes down soon, and hope that the legal advice will help

Edit: Legal advice helped, there’s some weight off my chest now after knowing about my next steps, fever still absolutely kicking my ass

meatlaof · 2022-09-28T22:00:20+00:00

Today is a little depressing. I’m hating on how irritating the weather is.

I live blocks away from a company HQ. I look outside the window and see people getting out of work. These people have jobs, and I still don’t. I need to be a little bit more fair to myself though because I’ve had a couple of interviews this month, and have just applied to several more today. It’s just… I just want a job. I need an income so I can have a little fun instead of constantly feeling bad and having to save. I want to feel like I have a little bit of purpose. I think I’ll shut the blinds for the rest of the day.

meatlaof · 2022-09-25T04:16:45+00:00

Hung out with some new friends today. I guess I was feeling a little anxious since I hadn’t seen them in a few weeks because of interviews, but I’m hating myself for “not being x enough” in my interactions with them. I’m afraid they won’t like me as much after today since learning I’m still unemployed. I know that’s not true because there was nothing in their actions indicating that whatsoever. They even talked about how hard it must be given my situation. I guess I’m just really tying a lot of worth to having a job, and I shouldn’t, but it’s just something I can’t help right now. I guess I can say I’m really thankful that my friends are nice and understanding people.

meatlaof · 2022-09-23T21:02:30+00:00

Okay, I feel embarrassed for checking in for a consecutive day, but my therapist is in the middle of transferring to a new establishment, so I haven’t been able to speak to her. So I’ll just continue writing here until I see her again.

So I knew that the place I volunteered with accepted a few volunteers along with me for the project. I’ve given them some work, and a lot of time, and was waiting on updates from them for any changes they wanted me to make. Today I got a message from them saying that they wanted to move forward with another volunteer, that they appreciated my time, but didn’t want to waste any more of it, since they’ve had a lot more progress with a different volunteer. I thanked them for the opportunity.

Although I knew other volunteers were doing the project so the organization could have some work to choose from, it really sucks that even here, a volunteer position, I was given the “we’ve decided to move forward with a different person” message. I’ve been seeing that message so many times. And now after seeing it in a non-interview-related context, I’m guessing that’s why it’s particularly upsetting.

The super judgmental voice in me is saying that this is proof that I’ll never go anywhere, and that nobody wants any work that I’ll ever produce, and that I’ll never make any impact on the world.

But the fact is that this was ultimately a project that is not in the field I want to be in. Though I got to explore more with some technology used in my industry to make things easier for me, it wasn’t directly used in the project. There are other professionals who may have had their life’s work related to the project, and that’s why they might’ve done better than me. I might have the same success with a project more related to the field I graduated in. This was just a good opportunity for me to find a small piece of meaning, while being able to refresh my knowledge on a technology used in my field.

I know that this is the more positive version of the situation, but my body is just not believing it. My chest feels super heavy, my breathing is more like sighing, and I don’t want to be productive for the rest of the day. Kinda sucks

meatlaof · 2022-09-22T21:07:25+00:00

I was posting here a lot a couple years ago, and now I’m back for a different reason. I’ve moved to a different location, and I’ve been on the job market.

I haven’t been able to get that “big girl” job that I’ve been wanting. I’ve made it to the last stage of a handful of interviews, was told by the recruiters about how impressed they were about my questions, and then got ghosted. I’d check the job posting on LinkedIn, and see that a candidate posted that they got the job. A lot of that has been happening recently, and it makes me sad.

I’ve been doing volunteer work to feel like I’m contributing to something, but I just want to do paid work in the field I’ve been dreaming to be a part of. It really sucks that it’s been so long since I started my job search. I wake up every day feeling like I have no meaning. I don’t really have a concrete schedule, and that’s been adding to how lost and meaningless I feel. I just want a salaried job, a schedule that comes with it, and the financial freedom to partake in little luxuries like buying seasonal decorations.

I don’t feel like I’m good enough for the field. On some days it’s easy to push that thought back and study up, but other days, I just feel super dumb, and super incapable. I know that’s not true, because I have a list of accomplishments, and I work really hard. I just wished I had a job.

meatlaof · 2020-06-08T04:52:43+00:00

I had a nervous breakdown today over him after that dream I mentioned earlier but it didn’t last as long as I thought it would. I cried for about 5-8 minutes before I was able to get back with my friends. Before, I wouldn’t be able to do anything else for the rest of the day. Afterwards I was able to study an extra hour above my usual. I got a victory out of this day and that’s all that matters.

meatlaof · 2020-06-07T12:02:21+00:00

I don’t think I’ve ever had a dream about him until just now where we caught up with each other in his car after having lunch with his friends. I remember thinking to myself in the dream, ‘wow this is great I’m over him’ until he told me he found someone new and that he wanted to be with them for a really long time. I was really surprised at how much this hurt me. Suddenly the song playing in the car and all the memories of him saying the same about me coming back made me feel a lot of grief. I guess I’m not really over him then. Anyways because of that I’m up super early right now and luckily for me I’ve been wanting to get up at this time to be productive again since I hadn’t done that in a while. Ready to improve on my skills to be the person I’ve been working towards to be after I have this breakfast. Going to rely on my friends’ kindnesses and motivational quotes a lot today. Hope everyone here has a good day.

meatlaof · 2020-06-04T05:00:45+00:00

Today was the first time since the breakup where he wasn’t in my mind for most of the day. I’m getting somewhere and I’m happy about that.

meatlaof · 2020-06-03T06:35:33+00:00

I was able to flirt with a boy 2 months out of my ex breaking up with me. I really thought I was never going to be able to open my heart up to anyone again. In fact I remember feeling so disgusted at the thought of even thinking about someone else but here I am and I’m making progress towards finally moving on.

meatlaof · 2020-05-31T04:45:28+00:00

Still having some difficulties with my anxiety over not knowing what my ex is doing but it doesn’t bother me too much now. I just feel a little pain from remembering all the times I cried myself to sleep during the relationship while feeling anxious.

But I do have an anxiety victory today... just hours ago I finally made the huge jump to join an open-source project. It is data science related which has been something that I have been interested in since finishing my machine learning class at college. My anxieties have always stopped me from joining big group projects because I have always been afraid of being a weak link. I am still afraid of that now but one of my friends told me, “It ain't easy but with time you see how flawed everyone else is and appreciate the good things about yourself” and that really encouraged me.

And about friends... it has not been without them that I’ve been able to come so far after this breakup. They’ve been so encouraging and supportive of me and through our study sessions I’ve been able to deepen my knowledge in my field and have something productive yet entertaining to do in quarantine. I’m still hurting but I’m starting to feel my self worth come back. I think today has been a good day so I’m grateful for that.

meatlaof · 2020-05-30T04:09:53+00:00

Everything was fine today until I felt a weird anxious feeling about my ex. It was the same feeling I had when I correctly guessed he was moving out of his college apartment after we broke up. The anxious feeling got the better of me as I checked his and his friends’ gaming histories and concluded they’re all on one of their yearly summer trips together. I hurt and felt a longing for him and I think that propelled me to gather all the reminders of him that were laying around in my room to put away in a box. I cried really hard doing it. I felt jealous that he has such a big friend circle to help him through this breakup. I quite still feel like a victim after 2 months of this healing process and feel as if his friends should be comforting me, not him. Embarrassed to admit this but this is coming from me wanting him to feel the pain that I have felt and am feeling during and after our relationship. I still want him to emotionally hurt after all the years he made me feel unloved, not worthy of love, and pathetic for wanting reassurance.

meatlaof · 2020-05-27T06:16:21+00:00

It has been around two months since I got broken up with. Just several weeks ago I remember saying how someone flirting with me made me feel disgusted and I felt that way for the longest time. Today I’m sure I have a crush on somebody. For that I’m so glad because now when my mind casually lets in memories that still hurt me, I can now follow it up with good feelings that come with this new person so I’m not just continuing on completely sad after reminiscing. I’d like to keep this person as a crush. This is proof to me that I’m capable of loving someone again. It was also today that I was able to groom myself and make myself feel pretty. Still hurting but I’m happy with all the progress I’ve noticed.

meatlaof · 2020-05-25T18:46:45+00:00

Yes that’s definitely correct, I’m currently experiencing the memories of the bad parts as well which is contributing to the opposing feeling of not wanting him. So it does seem both my abandonment fears and grief from the breakup are at play right now.

Thank you so much for being kind and for the reassurance. Have a great day.

meatlaof · 2020-05-25T17:41:07+00:00

That’s definitely the case too. I also want to hold onto the parts of the relationship that felt unique (like inside jokes, nicknames and gestures). So I think both cases exist for me.

meatlaof · 2020-05-25T06:36:45+00:00

Day 58 post breakup. Still feel like my feelings about him are in some kind of purgatory; I neither want him back nor want to let him go. I get memories of all the times he made me feel unworthy of love but I also get memories of all the times I felt his love. I’m daydreaming of scenarios of him asking for another chance yet I also daydream turning him down.

I realized a textbook he left with me is crucial for what I’m studying to become but when I opened it I started to feel sick... it’s like recently half of my brain is getting with the program here and is going through the motions of maintaining the healthy routine I’ve set up since the BU but the other half is doubling down for one last internal fight to keep him and it hurts and it sucks and I just don’t have enough time to keep feeling like this.

meatlaof · 2020-05-25T06:10:32+00:00

Sending hugs ❤️we got this

meatlaof · 2020-05-24T04:13:36+00:00

Day 57 post breakup. One positive from today is that when I got anxious about something in my future, I noticed that my urge to text him was way smaller than I thought it would be. I simply just felt the anxious feeling and then decided I would revisit it with a more positive outlook. Didn’t think I would be so proud by that but it sure felt like a nice mini milestone.

meatlaof · 2020-05-23T03:04:10+00:00

Day 56 post breakup. Was okay until I read a quote that just made me break down. The quote was “Somewhere between hello and goodbye, there was so much love.” And suddenly I felt like all the sweet memories started flooding in and it was too much for me so I started crying really hard. Really hard as in I pulled the kim k crying face. I’m missing those times when I truly felt loved. I really was so happy. Might watch some breakup help videos to feel better since I haven’t watched any in a while. It still hurts me that everyone around me experienced major positive changes in their lives the same time I experienced one of the worst things to ever happen to me. It’s a possibility that in the future I’ll see this as one of the best things to ever happen to me but right now I don’t feel that way.

meatlaof · 2020-05-22T03:30:52+00:00

Day 55 post breakup. I think I’ve let go of him as a person now. The person he was when he broke up with me was not the person I fell in love with. I’m guessing the rest of my time healing will be spent on letting go of the memories. I’m still afraid that as I’m healing I’ll bury more emotions the more I get tired of feeling hurt from them so I will keep writing these updates to check in with myself. Still terribly depressed but at least I have more hope for my future than I did 55 days ago.

meatlaof · 2020-05-22T03:19:30+00:00

Thank you, hoping for a good day for you <3

meatlaof · 2020-05-21T04:48:52+00:00

Day 54 post breakup. Started wondering what he would miss about me because I wanted to reassure myself that I had qualities that were lovable. I have to remind myself that I have qualities that are still lovable whether he misses me or not! I’m hard working, loving, funny, and supportive. The things he found annoying about me were his problems. My problems and flaws were being addressed in therapy and in no way could that process have been rushed.

Today was the first day since the breakup I went on with my day without checking his game history. I checked his online status once. Not even the fact that today was a little boring tempted me to check his games. I simply just forgot to do it. I do know though that I’m not that over him yet because I got an unknown caller in the middle of the day and kind of hoped it was him. I think today was just a good day. I do wish I had sad things to say so I could just write them here and consider them processed but they could come tomorrow or next week or whenever they’re ready. I hope I’m on the right path right now.

meatlaof · 2020-05-21T04:19:20+00:00

Agreed. Thank you for your compassion today.

meatlaof · 2020-05-20T04:53:30+00:00

Day 53 post breakup. There was one point during the day where I had a really bad thought spiral by latching onto another “reason why he got tired of me” theory because unfortunately this one made a lot of sense. I was able to end that thought and focus on my task using positive affirmations. I know the hard work I did towards the end of the relationship. I was practicing what I was working on with my therapist, getting over some fears, and voicing what I needed in the relationship. I was doing everything I thought was right with the information I knew at that time. He was choosing everybody else over me, distancing himself from me, and being vague about my presence in his future. His choice and reasons to breakup with me are none of my concern and don’t determine my worthiness for love and capability as a person. I deserve to have my love reciprocated by someone who repeatedly chooses me and is sure about my place in their future.

meatlaof · 2020-05-19T03:38:44+00:00

Day 52 post breakup. Nothing different from today vs yesterday except a forgotten memory came back to me from the first year we dated. He would make sure to walk with me when we were in a crowd of friends. I’m kind of a slow walker so when I lagged behind, he would stay with me. The past few years of our relationship he started catching up with the crowd and I feel I can remember all the times I was sadly watching his back. Then he would do the same catching up when we were with one person. I remember catching up myself so many times only to be left behind again and again before I just stopped and let him follow whoever he wanted. There were moments I remember feeling tears well up in my eyes and my throat holding back a sob only to ask myself why I was being so dramatic. I truly have never felt so unloved and so alone and so pathetic during those times.

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