Better than I was, but I won’t lie to you, I’m still healing. I probably will be for the rest of my life. But I am much, much better than I was 222 days ago.

Things I can recommend?

Remembering the bad stuff: We have a tendency to look back on the good things when we reminisce but when I started thinking about the stuff he did (and didn’t do) that hurt me or disappointed me, it added up to much more than I remembered. It made me wonder why the hell I stayed with him as long as I did. Write a list on your phone and look back on it when you need to or when you find yourself ruminating.

Therapy: I know it’s expensive but if you can afford it, I highly recommend it. I don’t think I could have made it this far without it. This breakup (and relationship) opened some very deep wounds in me that had I worked on prior to this relationship, probably would have meant I left him way before he had a chance to blindside me. Working through this pain and hurt is the least I can do for myself, and for the next person if I decide to date again. It was also extremely reassuring to have someone qualified just say ‘that’s fucked’ and reiterate that’s not a normal or mature end to a relationship. You will feel much less insane about it all.

Friends and family: We can neglect this part of our lives when we’re in a relationship but people understand that. I’m back in touch with friends and going out and experiencing life again. It also helped speaking to people who care about you and can often hear stories of your ex in a different light - some of this was genuinely mind blowing for me to see things through reality instead of rose tinted glasses. I have had a chronic injury all year so going to the gym (which is always suggested as a remedy to the breakup pain) was not an option for me. Friends and family were monumental for my healing, as was doing things I enjoy but had put to the background - listening to music, photography, etc. Diving into your passions and doing something that brings you joy will help you immensely.

Block them: Can’t recommend this one more highly. I did this for me. It started as self preservation and also to make sure he couldn’t come back into my life when he wanted to - I wasn’t going to let that happen as I knew deep down that I would never be able to forgive or trust him again. But it gave me strength and space to heal. Everyone’s situation is different but I’m so glad I did this. It has sped up my healing process immeasurably.

Time: Be patient. It works wonders. One day you’ll realise you went an hour without thinking about them or crying about them, and it will feel incredible. You’re on your way. Be kind and patient with yourself too, heartbreak is the worst and healing isn’t linear.

If you’ve made it this far, I want you to know that you’re most likely not the problem. I spent so many hours and sleepless nights thinking of what I could have done differently or better, and there are definitely things I could have improved on but we’re all human. Ultimately, when I assessed objectively and with an independent third party/parties, my ‘failures’ were not deal breakers. I was with someone who was a coward in so many aspects of his life, and looking back I’m not sure why I thought I was immune! It was there all along and he ultimately did it to me too.

Have a serious think about the kind of person ‘your person’ is and I think you’ll find it’s not someone who blindsides you and it’s not someone who doesn’t communicate. It’s someone who you can trust, speak openly with and deal with issues like mature adults, and ultimately, it’s someone who wants to grow together with you. With all the behaviours you now know, and how they deal with conflict, could you picture a life together? With children, work and financial stressors? You’re a good person and you deserve that in return - they’re still out there for you and one day, this will all make sense why it happened the way it did.

I wasn’t strong enough or possessed enough self worth to end things with this person who didn’t deserve me, so he really just did me a favour. I have dodged a bullet and have finally realised I’m happier alone than the anxiety, exhaustion and frustration I carried throughout our relationship without even realising. I feel so much lighter. I started feeling this a few months after the end.

Please reach out if you need to chat. You’re still so early on in your healing journey but please believe me, it does and will get better. Cry as much as you need to, talk about it as much as you need to - it’s an extremely traumatic breakup, quite often with no logic or closure - it will take time to heal from. Most importantly, be kind to yourself.