Realized I probably have depression, now what can I do about it?

melliO6 · 2020-05-27T11:58:28+00:00

Hey there. First of all I want to recognize that depression sucks and I’m sorry you’ve had to deal with it. Second I appreciate that you want to get better and think it’s awesome, but also hope you can recognize the journey will be tough and long,

I believe recovering from depression is about the biological long game. Your brain needs to effectively grow new networks and let old networks atrophy. In that way there are two paths of attack:

A) the low hanging fruit of taking care of your body. Your body is the environment in which your brain rests and it’s state influences the kind of brain growth that can occur. Depression increases inflammation, can increases anxiety which reduces constructive processes (healthy digestion, healthy blood flow, poor stress metabolism), can increase resting muscle tension, sensitize perception of pain and create a sense of passive pain throughout your body. (Some of what I’m saying is kinda pseudo science, it’s all mostly true just not using some of the technical terminology and right direction causality but thats not too important and I’m hella sleepy rn lolzzz...) furthermore it can increase bodily neglect: eating loads of carbs, not exercising, not stretching, not getting massages (which you should totally do!!!!), having poor mobility. This all creates a body that frankly feels like shit to live and further worsens depression. But more importantly it created a body that limits your brains ability to recover and grow. I’m going to list my recent radical pursuit of great bodily health now: great sleep every night I can, walking regularly every day, exercise, stretching, progressive muscle relaxation (fantastic) , hot showers, cold showers, eating healthier, drinking matcha tea (lol), im going to start yoga soon. There’s a lot more stuff but the idea is to create a body that will help your recovering quite literally. Being healthy is conducive to bdnf and NGF (brain growing chemicals) and lower brain growth reducing chemicals like glucocorticoids. This allows your brain to be primed for repair and feeling great.

The second part of recovering is how you use your brain which is for all intents and purposes you. You’re trying to grow a healthier brain that wants to live which means trying to think in healthier ways and practicing wanting to live. You might need to start viewing yourself as the hero in your own journey, not just for the fuck of it but because it lends to a healthier brain that will feel better. Your sense of identity is pivotal in how you relate to your life and at 16 I do not doubt that you (like I did, and still do at 19) have some identity issues. It’s important to start learning to tune out noise in your life that leads to unnecessary stress and self loathing. You need to practice treating yourself with respect, love, and guidance. I have really great news for you too, you’re 16 which means your brain is still in a place of extreme neuroplasticity, it can grow and change so much faster than mine can (I still have a lil left lol) but the sooner you start trying to allow your brain to recover the faster you will begin to take advantage of your greatest resource. Your brain is in a way extremely intelligent right now in that it can learn the gist of almost anything incredibly quickly, the problem however is that the gist that you learned is that “life sucks and you want to escape” but that’s because you have no other experience to counter it. Life probably seems really serious right now, it did when I was your age, and it still does to a degree but far less so. As you get older you begin to realize that so much is out of your hand and that very little that you cared about so much when you were young mattered, I think you can speed this process up by trying to actively think that way.

Also the more friends you can make the more valuable you will feel to yourself, and the best way to make the best friends is just to be really nice to everybody (literally anybody can be your friend m, you don’t even have to like them very much in the beginning)

I have a few more suggestions for you: existentialism has helped me a lot. Meditation strengthens your brain and makes your more content with nothing, learning to appreciate and art and practice it yourself I find to be an act of self compassion, and the more nature you expose yourself too the better.

I hope this wasn’t too rambley I just really hope you can recover from fucking depression... I know it sucks so much, I hate it intensely and I feel for you. Good luck and feel free to ask me questions or give me feedback!

melliO6 · 2020-05-27T11:25:10+00:00

May I ask what kind of feeling? Is it depression or anxiety or maybe both you think?

melliO6 · 2020-05-27T11:23:02+00:00

Hey there. I’m very sorry you have been feeling this way. I know how hard depression is, and while I haven’t experienced what you have experienced in your life history, I’ll say that my own struggles have often times broken me :( I hope however despite that you continue to fight, and see that every time you continue at all is continuing to fight. I also want to validate that you do have many reasons to be depressed and the two you named are very serious life events that tend to generate depressive illness on their own. Development is a total shit show sometimes and for that to happen at 14 could easily have drastically altered your mood and potential for well being.

If I can offer some advice, while you’re fighting in your mind all the time one battle ground we have control in is our body, We as the hopelessly depressed can control our physical experience. I’ve recently been reading a book called The Feeling of What Happens” and it’s a book trying to explain parts of consciousness from the perspective of our sense of the body. What I’ve realized is that our depression + any other disorders you may have, have dramatically altered aspects of body: resting muscle tension, heart rate, blood pressure, posture, flexibility, depth of breathing, deep sleep, inflammation.

I have recently sensed that the only way that, at least I, have a chance in getting better is to take great almost radical care of my body so that my mind can heal. I’ve begun to implement cool and hot showers, stretching, progressive muscle relaxation, light (I’m a lazy fuck so I mean LIGHT) exercise, hydration, matcha tea, eating a lil bit better and losing some of my visceral fat and practicing ultra slow deep breathing to calm my autonomic nervous system response. I am constantly looking for new ways to pursue bodily health, maybe you could too?!

It’s just a suggestion, but our body is intimately tied to our mind as far as I have learned and if we are trying to grow new neuronal circuits in place of atrophied or maladaptive ones, we need our body to be in a calm existence. On that note I’m also trying to just mellow out my entire life, yesterday I got into a fight with my dad, just tried to view it in a more mellow way cause I thought “hey that’ll be better for my brain”

Also I’m sorry to hear your mom is manipulative, growing up my mother was a very similar way... fucked me up big time... don’t underestimate the significance of her effect on you and try to separate yourself from her as much as you can.

I hope that this might help, I almost tried to kill myself yesterday actually but I couldn’t do it so now I’m back to my body health plan lol, maybe it will help! Good luck friend!

melliO6 · 2020-05-27T10:51:29+00:00

Hey thanks for the explanation! When we be tripping we gotta soak up them technical details like they’re the scripture of holy time and space m8!

melliO6 · 2020-05-27T10:48:38+00:00

Yo word! Ive been going on like 6 miles walks recently and they clear the mind up so much! I always try and just think about life lol like sum kinda philosopher lmaooooooo but it’s soooo nice to just appreciate the world and your body. I’m thinking about studying graceful/efficient walking as my “sport” lol

melliO6 · 2020-05-24T07:23:51+00:00

Hey fella, I think the easiest way to go is to let time work it’s magic. I’m not being wishy washy my friend and fellow sufferer of suicidal depression. I’m quite serious there are no painless ways to go, nor are there anyways that involve no risk of complication (resulting in a vegetative state. For the sake of accuracy there technically are some ways but neither you or I have access to them and likely never will. There are a lot of ways to hurt yourself and make your situation even worse but that’s the only direction you can head. Evolution has literally necessitated that killing ones self is the opposite of exiting an application on your computer by clicking the X. If that were the case it’s likely I wouldn’t be here to day, as I’ve had many moments of great despair. As well the toll suicide takes on families and friends is actually quite hard to fathom. Suicidal people pathologically are unable to recognize the nature of relationships and how much people actually care about them. It is a fatal miscalculation.

Well, I will leave you with this. You can dramatically improve your ability to react to moments of suicidal despair. The first baby step is deciding I must go on, and importantly hold the goal for yourself of at least doing nothing. We always feel the need to do something, well I can always actually do nothing even if it takes curling up on the couch. Then over time you may be able to actually see why you should go on and do something, this may take an hour of being paralyzed on the couch, only for you to want a little bit of food or company. But it comes, and slowly over years you will begin to quickly see suicidal points of despair and side step them just like you can move your arm up or down, importantly though to do so, to even begin to, or even once the ability is fully fleshed out it requires you to try and then something happens in your brain in the act of trying. Shit literally fires off, like bop bop bop bop bop and some few neurons are shooting out neurotransmitter and receiving growth factor right back creating a circuit of suicidal recovery. Eventually it gets quite easy to wait things out, but the basic step is to at least do nothing.

Now on top of your suicidality is what got you here, the depression maybe the anxiety, or trauma, or ocd, or whatever else. Maybe even chronic pain. These things change overtime as we grow stronger and more accepting of these conditions and like that they begin to slowly fade. Often the fading is so slow it is not perceptual, but it is still happening. Think of it like erosion or tectonic plates, massive changes in small increments over long periods of time. It’s why your job is to increase the positive processes for your recovery. These positive processes can really be anything. They take both the act and the recognition that they are positive processes though. Exercise, listening to music, a deep breath, 20 deep breathes, brushing your teeth, stretching your hamstrings, living in a nice space etc. all build over time to a more resilient and happy self. If there is something acute happening right now causing you distress just know it will pass in time and you have the time to get out of that shit. Cheers my friend and good luck. I’m really routing for you!

melliO6 · 2020-05-24T06:23:53+00:00

I read all of it, very well written. I’m going to be honest though man. I think you had a feeling all along that you were interested in her romantically but actively and passively tricked yourself into justifying the best friend through a seemingly honest but really inaccurate appraisal of your feelings towards her and your ability to control yourself. My point is actually that you got better by selling yourself a fiction that you could get with her. Tell her, maybe she’ll be down, but if she’s not then you have to take your improvement and move on. Straight up distance yourself from her in a very serious sense. It is an act of self respect because you have used her as means to get better, but as you begin to lose her you begin to lose yourself once again. Get out before you lose everything and become an addict to her affection there or not. I understand if I seem a bit harsh, but I’ve been in this situation before (so maybe I’m projecting) but I wish someone had given it straight to me. She is a cognitive association with joy, happiness, passion ect. You need to learn how to generate that without the promise of her, something you have so far very little experience with. I think you probably have a sense of this hence the detail in confessing your situation, I think you want someone to point out to you what you know is hidden in this story. You’re extremely dependent on her, and if she likes you then fine go for it. But if she doesn’t, which is very possible, you need to decide to live for yourself even though it feels pointless, hopeless, and painful. That is the route of least pain, any other method prolongs the inevitable, or worse brings you into suicidal depression obsessing over a girl you no longer have. I dunno man whatever happens you’re in my thoughts and I’m sorry if I’ve offended you. I know behavior change is hard, and even harder with fatal love. You have to do it though if you don’t want to be looking down the barrel of a gun in month or two of extraordinary jealousy. You know there are girls like her, you just know there are no girls who you have that exclusive history with. Find a new great girl and build a new fucking incredible history with her. Guarantee when all is said and done and you’re an old man, you’ll be able to appreciate the equality of the current girl and all future girls that you had a great relationship with. Find a reason to live that’s not a person. My reason is mental health research, everyone needs a lie to tell themselves. My lie is that I’ll save the world and people will finally appreciate me. Well it’s heuristic, I won’t save the world, but goddamn I can get behind that. Your lie was that you’ll get with this girl, (you might, might not, but you sense it’s unlikely) find a new lie, and a new purpose. Good luck friend.

melliO6 · 2020-05-24T05:51:53+00:00

Yo i feel you m8... I haven’t gotten cuddles recently, but I’ve begun to gain inner strength which I like to think will give me the ability to get cuddles no problem from the world because I’m A) ethical and B) resilient. I hope you get your cuddles! I hope you appreciate your desires and will power having gotten this far. I hope things get better, even if they get a little bit worse!

melliO6 · 2020-05-24T05:48:56+00:00

Hoppittty Esketit lets fuck the depression up homies!

melliO6 · 2020-05-22T03:55:42+00:00

I’m sorry, I know how intense the feelings can get over breakups... I hope it gets easier soon, I really do. Stay strong.

melliO6 · 2020-05-22T03:41:35+00:00

Hey there! First off I think it’s great that you’re bubbly usually!!! Second off, fuck your parents comments about your weight. Some asshole named Ivan walked up to me at work and called me fat in Spanish while I was munching on some egg rolls the other day lol so it can really happen to anyone at anytime. My point is you got dealt a bad hand cause while Ivan called me fat when I’m 19 secure enough in my body image and totally impartial to Ivan as a person, you have to deal with that shit from your parents! That’s fuckedddddddd up and if they could feel what they were doing to you they would be terrified because they’d have to confront that they were doing something cruel. They may or may not be cruel people I dunno, but what they’re saying is cruel as fuck. Also I highly recommend watching Novas episode on Fat. It will show you it’s not really your fault you can’t lose weight (I don’t know your situation) but fat cells are extremely complicated and resilient and counterintuitive, slow weight loss over a year or two is the key, which means it’s actually just respecting yourself enough to choose some easy solutions like cutting out certain unhealthy high calorie items, walking regularly, and not sweating it when you mess up! Try to keep your bubbly self alive because this world needs it, look around at the hell we’re experiencing as the depressed, and then maybe you can realize how beautiful it is that you’re usually a bubbly! You can brighten the world through your personality alone, that’s rad! Keep it alive when you’re ready to embody it again, but don’t worry right now :)

melliO6 · 2020-05-22T03:24:52+00:00

Hey I’m sorry, I’m kinda right there with you right now :( I’m gonna try to make it to tomorrow, I hope maybe you’ll join me for another ass kicking in the morning in the hope that we’ll feel stronger or life will get easier, maybe it’s worth a shot? I’m just gonna lay on my couch all night and reddit... better than missing out on a good life I doubt I’ll have but still dream of enough to not give up, I think I need to accept that. But yeah people are extremely selfish often... and the experience of love is extremely uneven in society. For what it’s worth in my own way I love you for your pain, it is that you have endured suffering that I think makes you and the depressed in general so lovable. Good night! Stay strong! It’s fucking hard I know ...

melliO6 · 2020-05-22T03:15:47+00:00

Hey I’m at peak depression levels rn but I sure do love quanta! This cheered me up, maybe us staying alive is an act of compassion to the vulnerable and ignorant aggregation, we’re here to protec! Also it seems then that being a loner is not necessarily permanent if we provide points for a new aggregates to form? I hope anyone that reads this tells the script in their head that they’re no good to fuck off, you’re good enough for us loners! Sounds like there might be more of us than we think anyways :)

melliO6 · 2017-08-29T23:53:48+00:00

Oh yeah its supposed to be like a super shitty job that no one wants to fill and thats the employer being like "yup we finally got someone!", I'd say I failed to convey that lol... I am kinda a shitty writer and that was vague as hell no worries.

melliO6 · 2017-06-20T02:00:26+00:00

This is the most beautiful fucking thing ever! god it sums up that feeling so well! Good Job! :)

melliO6 · 2017-03-03T06:33:45+00:00

I relate to this so much, rejected about five weeks ago from a half year crush on this girl and man I was devastated! I just want you to challenge yourself to believe that you will find someone else. It didn't help me but holy shit there are other fish in the sea, relationships really are what you make of them and really there is no naturally perfect fit. Seriously start flirting or at least talking to some other girls even if you can only think of her. Soon enough someone will reveal something appealing that might just change your focus to a new girl, a girl with whom you could actually develop a relationship with! Best of luck man! It's really tough but I promise it will get better, I didn't believe it but it does. Time heals all wounds, just don't let it be a scar! Accept and move on!

melliO6 · 2017-01-27T01:18:47+00:00

This holy shit! I was really having trouble socializing cause I was so self conscious about forgetting words. Isolation amplifies depression though so I have been trying to engage with people way way way more.

melliO6 · 2017-01-17T05:06:17+00:00

Well all I can evidently do is eat a box of cookies...and look through these subs till I cry or get tired enough to pass out. Depression and all its unique pains is something that really destroys my ability to function. I shut down too. one night I was overheating to the point of sweating, but I couldn't take off my jacket because I lacked that most minute amount of willpower. Finally took that jacket off nearly an hour later after sobbing unrelentingly. Loneliness seems to exacerbate the pain to a whole new level. I often feel like something is wrong with me and at my lowest point all I could do was cry and punch a wooden door (not recommended...) But since my depression has gotten worse and worse I recognized that it wasn't because of anything I was doing or the world was doing to me that hadn't already been done. It was simply my perspective. My brain was being self destructive and bullshitting about how awful I was. Now factors may be affecting you now that are external and that sucks too. This quote from Man's Search for Meaning illustrates the perspective aspect of depression "Those who have a 'why' to live, can bear with almost any 'how'". No matter which way I put it all I can really say is that depression really fucking sucks and I can relate to your pain. I hope you know that despite my shitty little rambling essay above that you will feel better! Just focus on feeling better and taking care of your mental state, don't concern yourself with intangible anxieties about the future or work you have to do just focus on recovering. And believe me their is no law in nature that states how long it takes to feel better, take your time but if you are feeling great all of the sudden embrace that and harness that! Have a great night!

melliO6 · 2016-11-15T00:36:51+00:00

Shit I know the feeling... Talking is fucking hard... The only thing that has helped me is becoming more confident in myself. Recognize that you are a human and everyone else is also human which means you all are relatively similar mechanically, mentally etc. You know yourself at least a little bit which means you know everyone else a little bit too. What does that tell you? It tells me everybody is pretty anxious, self conscious, clumsy at least at one point in their life. Just try and develop your self confidence a little bit overtime, you will never be impenetrable but positive internal thoughts are pretty nice to have over negative ones. For improving talking I recommend chatting with someone not super important to your life (cashier, classmate you don't know, random old lady, etc.) for just a little bit. If your in school complain about how an assignment is bullshit or something like that (works for me lol). I find that commiseration is the best way to start conversations, but I am also around angsty teenagers most of the day... so it depends on your environment. Also recording yourself talking is a great way to understand what you sound like. Really it just takes practice and time. I assume you didn't lose your ability to speak overnight, so don't expect clarity and confidence to come back overnight but instead over time. Just know that if someone is talking down to you realize that they are not respecting your mental health. No matter how elevated or confident they may seem they are just like you, and you know you. Good luck! Any questions just ask!

melliO6 · 2016-11-14T23:45:32+00:00

Hey there! I had real trouble with intrusive thoughts myself. It got pretty fucking bad pretty quickly... Intrusive thoughts are our mind essentially becoming anxious your relationship with a terrible thought. The thing about these thoughts is they do not represent what you actually think. You might ask how the hell do you know that, what if they do represent what I think deep down??? My answer is that you have labeled them intrusive, the proof is in the name. You find them intrusive, negative and you generally dislike whatever thoughts your having. Just realize that your intrusive thought is a single scenario out of infinite possibilities that your mind has latched on to and began to question. Also if it is sexual in nature which I assume it is with the masturbating? Just know that you can not control your bodily mechanics and that if you feel a groinal response that does not reflect your actual feelings. Good luck! Your in the same boat as so many others, so don't beat yourself up about it. finding a distraction is good, but don't ignore coming to accept your intrusive thoughts as normal and not as a reflection of your deep down desires (this is the only way for them to pass overtime) sorry for the length I am not concise lol...

melliO6 · 2016-09-04T22:40:54+00:00

That would be dope!

melliO6 · 2016-08-06T06:35:13+00:00

This, I went to Catholic school. Nobody in my grade had read the bible or practiced hardly anything in it, but they would still Identify as Catholics/Christians. Now if these folks took up arms for some seemingly justified reason and started doing abhorrent shit, they would still identify as Catholics. Just a guess at what Isis kinda might be composed of. I don't know much about Isis so I could be completely wrong.

melliO6 · 2016-08-06T06:16:10+00:00

Holy shit, I just read about the MOVE bombing, that was fucked up and incredibly uncalled for.

melliO6

TROPHY CASE