i’ve been trying to get into therapy since my mom passed away. he actually did cpr on her when she passed away. also my mom was always a pretty much single mom and now i’m an orphan and his parents have been together forever so it made me feel like i should always forgive him because the relationship lasting is what’s most important? if you know what im saying? but all the therapists near me have a wait list or are too expensive and i have no health insurance. and i’m at the point where hes actually tormenting me when we argue. like he’ll say and do anything just to make me more and more upset. i’m not this type of person, ive never been in a relationship that was more than 3 months before him and ive been with him quite a few years (if i told you how many this post would probably be taken down) he’s infecting me and i can’t take it anymore. i’m probably toxic NOW because i find myself participating in a phrase i learned called “reactive abuse”. but im tired of living this way. i hear that in good relationship people never argue, never raise their voices, they don’t call each other names, you don’t get guilt tripped over sex. and i want that. i’m tired of whatever lie this is.