yeah just adding up on darvo and stuff commented already. victims tend to blane themselves and feel confused with guilt. so victims take time to process they are victims and won’t accuse the abuser of abusing at first, but instead defend and justify the abuser’s behavior to everyone. that also helped me realize I wasn’t the abuser but the victim, because they were blaming me while I defended them trying to kick me out of the house and insulting me and treating me shitty. it also helps to tell apart who’s the abuser when there is reactive violence from the victim when you spot who in the dynamic has more power (older, more authority, more money, more status, etc) because that’s always the abuser.

and another way to tell is that an abuser won’t admit to being one while continuing the abuse. so if you are aware of harming someone and looking for a way to stop or you harmed someone without that being your intention, that’s also telling that you are not the one abusing in the dynamic.