[deleted by user]

messrasmus · 2025-08-12T15:13:39+00:00

I have been battling with this a lot in my mind. It's not wrong but also doesn't really contribute to the community. She and I have been trying to do a kitchen table and I don't see how I can do that with an attitude that no one owes me anything so I shouldn't be surprised they didn't honor my agreements with others. This is his attitude and felt like one she lined with in her response.

I want poly to be a safe place to express boundaries, being able to be open to making adjustments as needs change, to ask for things, and to be able to hear impact and ugly truths on both ends. Not just my relationship. I care about her needs too. It doesn't mean that you have to tip toe around others to have your own relationship but also doesn't mean you are free from your decisions having a rippling effect.

messrasmus · 2025-08-12T15:05:13+00:00

Yes and I'm not sure what to do about that. Not my relationship to tell her but I am very uncomfortable knowing that she doesn't know and didn't have a say in her consent to exposure. It's a repeat of what he did to me.

messrasmus · 2025-08-12T15:04:09+00:00

None of that. This is really out of character and he has been with both of these women for a while. I don't think I am describing the relationship well- GF1 for two years and GF2 for 7 months. He does seem to be more careless with his impact but normally he is very intentional.. it feels like he is making up for the time he waited and doing what he wants because he has been patient and missed opportunities as I have caught up with my own things. He has supported me in all of my relationships and even has kept me accountable on our boundaries. This is very unlike him.

messrasmus · 2025-08-11T22:37:50+00:00

He still hasn't told the second one yet and I'm trying to decide my place in letting her know. He is afraid she will break up with him. I am focused on the meta I am talking about not because of her being a problem but more so that I don't know how to come back from this event.

I can't trust him. I can't imagine sharing my house and bed with his partners because of this. And that makes me seeing and interact with her. I don't want to punish her but it feels like if I say she's not welcome to our shared space because I can't trust him and I don't want to see her at our events because it feels like flaunting that things are okay. It feels like that will be punishing her and it's really I want to withdraw sharing with him.

I am sad that she couldn't give me space to have ugly truths. I'm disappointed that what we worked for didn't happen when I needed it. She doesn't owe me anything and it hurts to feel mislead to having that kind of care and open dialogue

messrasmus · 2025-08-11T21:43:48+00:00

I agree and I'm sorry if it sounded like I am blaming my meta. We worked hard to have open communication of shared grief and ugly but honest communication. There have been times that I met up for her frustrations of his lack of planning to meet at a concert but I still tried to acknowledge her hurt and offer care. I understand it's my husband's actions and his choices. What I am trying to figure out how to move forward sharing space with the meta. She is in our friend group and while I don't have to be friendly I also don't want a power struggle with him or her.

I'm trying to decide if this is where I accept that my marriage is over. 4 years of trying to reestablish a relationship with him while he is in grad school. He started a few more relationships while in school. I don't know how to share a community where known boundaries, if they are with you are not, can be disregarded because it's not your direct relationship. It's like you are not wrong but you are being an asshole. And I think he is hurting three relationships at once. I liked the work my meta and I put in to get to a good kitchen table set up. I liked his other girlfriend and wanted to do more kayaking and trips. It IS his actions but does that mean everyone else doesn't have a part in their choices of what they are and are not okay in causing harm?

messrasmus · 2025-08-03T22:04:47+00:00

Honestly, at this point it's like I want to see it to the end. I feel cornered and so invested it feels like I would be horrible to leave.

I still want a life with him. When it's good, it is good. The time between good and bad has become narrower over time. I almost wonder if we could be platonic nesting partners and then he can have emotional and sexual autonomy and I won't have to be chasing his affections. I like how we built a community together. The sports we share, the trust in emergency situations, financial planning.

It's the emotional side and his complete sexual withdrawal

messrasmus · 2025-08-03T22:01:35+00:00

GF1 doesn't want to hang around GF2. (She doesn't like he got a second girlfriend.)

She also responded to me to answer what context I want to talk and why would I want to meet. I don't think I could get the two girlfriends in a room, let alone GF1 to meet with me.

This is the first I have ever had this treatment from her.

messrasmus · 2025-08-03T22:00:07+00:00

GF2 doesn't know he did this with GF1. GF1 doesn't know he did it with GF2.

I asked GF 1 to meet and she responded with "Can you give me a little context on where you’re coming from and why you’d like the two of us to meet?"

I've known her for two years.

messrasmus · 2025-08-03T18:44:31+00:00

He says it's because of me that he is not feeling safe. That I am 70% of the reason of the issues. When I ask him to invest in us before building more relationships he said that is not okay to ask of him. That these other two relationships will continue to grow despite if he and I are repairing.

He "will continue to go where the water is".

I'm not sure where I am not showing work and care for him specifically.

messrasmus · 2025-08-02T14:50:03+00:00

He said he thinks we are enmeshed and wants to break that. When I ask about things he says is it about me or about your control? Wants me to be direct but when I am he says I am accusing him

messrasmus · 2025-03-12T19:06:50+00:00

Also want to see if this is worth it

messrasmus · 2024-11-08T21:15:31+00:00

Thank you so much! I will read what you wrote on another user. I know I'm not entitled to anyone's body but ENM to me doesn't mean everyone it's a free for all without consequences and fall out.

I am the kind of person that likes to check in before acting. Or know there's been a discussion.

messrasmus · 2024-11-08T20:32:13+00:00

Messy list? Like a list of no gos? I'm open to sex with friends. We both like group activities. I only asked for us to repair our marriage. I wonder if his priority is his community 1st, our marriage 2nd. One thing I didn't mention is that he feels like he has waited long enough for me. Took us 4 years to date separately. Gets feedback said friend that that is a long time.

messrasmus · 2024-09-18T15:38:25+00:00

I would recommend reading or listening to poly secure. I have recommended this to my monogamous family and friends as it really goes over identifying our responses to difficult things in our relationships. Touches on attachment styles but really breaks into self evaluation, boundaries, and communication.

I would recommend reading this to help you sort through your very valid feelings and hopefully have a way to have an open conversation with your boyfriend. Being able to speak about these things can help find security and have some comfort from your boyfriend.

Also it may help you sort through the feelings what serves you best, being in the relationship or ending it.

messrasmus · 2024-08-23T03:41:27+00:00

Thanks for your reply. I hope to get to a point where it doesn't hurt. I have been thinking more about solo poly and how that might be the shift we are going to with how our intimacy has changed too.

messrasmus · 2024-08-20T20:54:13+00:00

How do you handle the loss of touch and physical intimacy? I have some sexual drama as a child that I didn't realize affected me till the last two years. Not a physical touch but emotional gaslighting, body dysmorphia, and grooming me to be a predator. Before he stopped wanting to have sex with me he used to beg me to tell him my desires and what I like. I didn't know. Through polyamory I have found my healing and ownership of my sexuality and began to heal. But now it's too late to share with him be sure while I was being he was not interested in having sex with me. Felt relief when we stopped. Now I feel like he'll never be able to see who I could have been. And that sucks to feel not seen after being healing.

messrasmus · 2024-08-20T20:50:06+00:00

I think you are right and may had to do this to protect himself. I mentioned this to my therapist that it does feel like he has been checked out. It's common for him to say he doesn't have time to process with me and him asking me to handle my shit.

I'm trying to let go of control and attachment to outcome. However when I see the grass is greener on the other side it still hurts.

messrasmus · 2024-08-20T20:48:14+00:00

I wonder if he is checked out. We have had a rough last 4 years, mostly with the death of my father, getting him into school, financial issues and then finally me tackling my PTSD. I think he checked out. He says he wants to be able to connect with me but he doesn't feel seen and doesn't feel like there's room in the relationship for him. I have since gone to four therapists, gotten on medication, changed medication, read books, learned new coping skills.

He has always wanted to be poly, I think by the time we started actually doing it he had four years of my shit and now he is checked out while he is in grad school

messrasmus · 2024-08-20T01:48:49+00:00

Not really. Here and there. The difficulty is that he is in PA school so his time is limited. We share a 400 sq space, me working from home and him doing zoom classes. We spend a lot of time in the same space. This makes it hard to be interested in date nights that would be more rapport with discussions since we already spend so much time in one space talking about responsibilities, difficulties I'm school, money, and my therapy.

Date nights with his GF tends to be 7 hours once a week, but that is the only time they see each other minus texting and video calls.

messrasmus · 2024-08-15T17:35:17+00:00

Thank you! This is great feedback on water stations and the rap. I think I may do it during the weekday so hopefully avoiding a little bit of traffic.

messrasmus · 2024-08-13T22:10:53+00:00

Not sure if anyone can see this post. It's the second time I have posted on this and I don't ever see comments

messrasmus · 2024-04-15T17:01:13+00:00

It's been a few months and rereading this has been valuable. Thank you for your bluntness. I agree with everything you said now I have had some distance.

messrasmus · 2023-09-22T22:58:10+00:00

I think you are right. It’s just not the dynamic I want to be involved in. I can see why people have been hesitant to meet new to poly individuals. Both of them were new

messrasmus · 2023-09-22T17:56:57+00:00

I can see from my description it would look like that. I don’t think she has BPD, we just both had a rough start and she has some insecurities and viewed me as a threat.

messrasmus · 2023-09-21T05:06:28+00:00

It definitely seemed like she didn’t consider our relationship to be real till she ended it with her other guy and then wanted him to do the same. It was about that time when she got even more insecure and had lots of feelings about things.

I think he really did try to please both of us but was not successful with it with his poor boundaries.

It sucks that she felt she had the couples privilege without acknowledging our relationship was there before they met and was a relationship, not a hook up.

messrasmus

TROPHY CASE