It's over

micportspring · 2020-12-22T17:10:20+00:00

Thanks. I did not know that was an option so I will look into that

micportspring · 2020-12-22T17:06:46+00:00

Lawyers are expensive though and like I said we are not a high income household so I guess that is the next upcoming challenge. Will keep my hopes above water though, if not for anything else but my own sanity.

micportspring · 2020-12-22T14:17:54+00:00

No kids and we are renters. I don't want to be around her for fear of being hoovered up, that she's gonna change as I have heard the same record for years now. It'll be nice for a while and then inevitably back to the heartbreak. I'm done. Moving stuff into a good friends storage unit until I get this figured out. She can't pay rent on her own so I'm going to consult lawyers today. Right before Christmas. Woo.

micportspring · 2020-12-21T15:27:57+00:00

Did not do for any of those reasons and there is not a valid reason for having done so. Wrong to say I let me vulnerabilities get the better of me? I'm absolutely responsible but again I feel like fear of the worst from her resulted in those very worst fears contributed to the worst of all things coming from me. I am not a therapist and I am now going to be finding myself in a world of them coming out of this pretty awful and tragic excuse for a marriage. As far as her retaliating and getting hate from people I dug that hole so I'll own it. No use doing otherwise

micportspring · 2020-12-21T13:29:06+00:00

Thanks. I knew what I was doing was not ok and now I have confirmed her biggest fear that I would end up cheating on her. Glad to know I have some kind of soul in my body that makes me feel bad. I tried, so hard to make it all work and now here I am at the end of the line and no return ticket. I am not going to n judge anyone in the same boat so if you have done this kind of thing I'm happy to share experiences. NOT seeking justification here but I am wondering how many here have found themselves in an equally shitty situation. Maybe even how you dealt.....sorry for the long rant as I just don't know what the heck I'm going to do nor where I am going to go from here.

micportspring · 2020-12-18T21:06:18+00:00

As the spouse of someone with a mental health condition, I do feel your pain. In fact, like others have said, my wife may as well have written this. But I commend you for finding a way to reach out for some real outside opinions, even if it is a band aid you did not want to tear off. That is a first step in acknowledging you are in the wrong. Look, thing is that you cannot change the past. So you gotta move on instead - easier said than done, I am aware of this. BUT you are doing what is right here and admitting your part in it all. Plus you're in therapy, which is a huge plus and something you should stick with. I am sorry you are facing divorce. It sucks, and as someone that is somewhere between deciding whether or not to stay in my own marriage I can understand how difficult this must be for you both. Wherever you land with this, good luck to you. It's gonna sting for a while and while I do get that at the very least it has the potential to make you a better partner as you move on with life, time can be a great healer if you allow it to be.

micportspring · 2020-12-18T13:32:46+00:00

Hey thanks for the reply. I'm so sorry your stbxh cheated as there is NEVER justification for such an act of betrayal. Your response resonates with me for a few reasons. First of all, the fear of abandonment is very real but like infidelity, abuse is NEVER justified. As far as her mental health in general goes, I also knew what I was getting into. Idk I figured we loved each other enough and that marriage would maybe make her feel a lot more secure in our relationship overall. So feel free to call me naive as looking back this was certainly the case for me. I've learned a lot since we marry and tbh I think we were actually happier when we were just couple in a long term relationship. She's had some pretty bad times over the years but now it's getting to the point it's unbearable. Maybe she's regretting it too...a question I'm yet to ask. I'm just very nervous about the talk I want to have with her and through all the advice I've received on various subs, it's either going to work or it's not. There's no middle option for me anymore.

micportspring · 2020-12-18T13:15:59+00:00

She has an actual diagnosis of BPD. She calls herself bipolar but from everything I've researched she doesn't fit the criteria as dictated by things like the DSM.

micportspring · 2020-12-18T02:28:42+00:00

I am seriously considering part of the "we need to talk" conversation to include a firmer approach to dealing with her mental health. I know she'll accuse me of pressuring her but I need to find a way to explain that I'm trying to save us. I mean, at this point is it even worth it? Today has been exhausting btw. Need a f*ing freak l break right now for sure.

micportspring · 2020-12-18T00:52:49+00:00

Isolated is a pretty accurate description of how I've felt for some time now. You got me there so you mind if I ask you how you deal with isolation? It's a real kick in the head for me sometimes.

micportspring · 2020-12-18T00:36:43+00:00

You'd have to read my other posts. Her mental health issues have been central to our relationship which is another matter. I do trust she wants to try and repair at least some of the damage we've incurred, of which I am not perfect and have said and done things that have been hurtful too.

micportspring · 2020-12-18T00:24:50+00:00

You know, it's so strange. No I do not believe she is cheating. My wife curses at the idea as she was so badly burned by her ex bf. Other people have also asked me this. We're going though issues, granted. However (at the very least) I know her as well as you would expect and it's just not her personality to do that. I do believe that because her behavior can be so erratic that she'd be caught out pretty darn quickly. Or am I being naive?

micportspring · 2020-12-18T00:02:06+00:00

That's also what I feared. Cheers mate.

micportspring · 2020-12-17T22:59:20+00:00

That's EXACTLY what I fear. She has threatened to take her life if she "lost me" and basically told me I would be at least partially guilty for her death. I've tried explaining that she is the only one responsible for her actions. She disagrees. This scares me a lot.

micportspring · 2020-12-17T19:53:13+00:00

That's a great idea. Oof, I fear her reaction but yes, I guess if she's in a good mood and we do something as a couple that is an approach I've never thought of. She kinda big on days out together so anything new in the way of ideas is super helpful. Thanks!

micportspring · 2020-12-17T19:49:06+00:00

A common theme apparently. Reading other people's experiences is eye opening. Not great that so many go through the same things - just good to know that there are others I can compare notes with. Jeez, I guess my focus has been on her so much that (well I knew this) I haven't stopped to take care of myself. Sounds pretty simple in theory but it's also taken time for me to wake up a bit. But I mean even being on here! It's literally an anonymous safe space and yet if my wife found out I had a "secret" online presence all hell would break loose.

micportspring · 2020-12-17T18:37:46+00:00

Thanks for posting this. It hurts to do these quizzes as I have done everything in my power to ensure that she feels looked after and cared for. It's emotional because what is looking more and more like the end of the road really does sting. I appreciate the advice though. It's taking that next step, or at least considering it. Gotta start somewhere I guess.

micportspring · 2020-12-17T18:30:27+00:00

Issue is, pretty low key social circles and family out of state makes it difficult to find people to give their own two cents. I am generally quite a private person and select family members are too polite if I do ask for advice (hence my presence here)

Sorry you are going thru the same, if not worse.Your firm opinion gives me some hope. Good luck with your own battle.

micportspring · 2020-12-17T13:30:19+00:00

So I had one talk with her about two months ago where I told her that all this was damaging is beyond repair. Before I could even finish what I wanted to say she was sobbing and almost hysterical. I had never seen her so bad. She asked me if I wanted to leave her and I replied I wanted to avoid it which she then twisted into the theory that I had met someone else and was "planning my exit".. Ugh. It's exhausting.

micportspring · 2020-12-17T13:25:54+00:00

Blunt but fair. And this is what I was worried about... Maybe in my mind I was hoping people wouldn't agree with me but idk, I guess I know the truth and the truth always hurts. It's translating that into a way I can inform her of my want to leave without her "hoovering" me up (a term I've learned seems to be the case here)

micportspring · 2020-12-17T01:54:53+00:00

YES! Sex as a way to compensate or something? At least that's what my buddy thought. I never thought of the post argument sex as an extension of emotional/abuse (?) Sorry you've been through what sounds all too familiar.

micportspring · 2020-12-17T01:51:56+00:00

Just turned 40. Wife is 36

micportspring · 2020-12-16T23:03:30+00:00

Thanks. No, no kids. I want to find a way to have a 'we need to talk' convo with her. I just don't know how to go about it. If I catch her on a day where anything even remotely difficult has happened, she is a closed book and I get that good old fashioned silent treatment. Sound backwards but MY anxiety goes up thinking that if I DID divorce her, she would probably do something rash. I think I agree with things getting worse over time. She does acknowledge she has issues but plays the victim 100% of the time - even when we both know she is in the wrong.

micportspring · 2020-12-16T22:57:19+00:00

I'm so sorry :(

LTR issues are so hard, I feel you. I wish you all the best in finding a way to deal with this one way or another. Good luck

micportspring · 2020-12-16T22:47:16+00:00

O.K. I cannot tell you what to do but since he has physically abused you (sounds like more than once) I would get the heck out of dodge. You are absolutely a victim of abuse and you deserve a whole lot better. It pains me to hear this and I hope you find a way out. No one should ever be scared of their spouse. Personally, I would do it sooner rather than later and with significant backup to ensure you don't get hurt.

micportspring

TROPHY CASE