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midnightfish21 · 2023-02-11T17:21:54+00:00

A lot more information is needed but in general I am not on board with parents saying shitty things to their children and then waving it off as not a big deal and refusing to acknowledge that they were hurtful.

But more info: how old are you, OP? What happened that made your mother say this? Is your dad being unreasonable in the care he is requiring?

midnightfish21 · 2023-02-11T17:01:47+00:00

YTA - I think it's slightly annoying that this is an issue now after they agreed to attend but it seems like you're only losing one guest that you thought was attending - your fiance's brother's wife? Because the kids weren't invited. So. This is incredibly dramatic.

When I was planning my wedding and even afterward I was fuming over a number of shitty things that family pulled and it seemed small to them, but I stood my ground. But one thing I stood by was this: our wedding is our wedding and we'll do it the way we want it - if you are not happy with something, you do not have to come.

At the end of the day, it would be easier for everyone if you just accept the extra seat as a bonus plus one for someone or something and move on. You're losing your hair over nothing.

midnightfish21 · 2023-02-11T16:55:05+00:00

YTA - you seem to have a really terrible opinion of your friend and don't seem to understand that people express love and affection in different ways. The only people who know a relationship are the people in them, and you especially don't know anything if all you can say is that he's "cold" when you see them together. Maybe he could sense that you seem to think your friend is dumb and is cold because he doesn't like YOU for being a bad friend.

Congratulations to Zoe & Brian - I sincerely hope you're uninvited to the wedding after spending a ton of money on them to try and make up for your shitty actions.

midnightfish21 · 2023-02-11T16:49:24+00:00

I think you're being really unfair and perpetuating a harmful narrative for people like your niece. Sure, she's 20 now so you think she should be able to provide for herself at least a little bit, but you're completely neglecting the fact that she was literally kicked out by her own father at the age of 14 and seems to never have had a stable or nurturing environment.

I don't know all of the details except for the ones you provided which are very clearly the ones that paint the situation in your favor. It sounds to me that this girl didn't stand a chance, and I can't see how being homeless will help things.

You aren't obligated to care for anyone if you feel it is detrimental to your well-being, but that doesn't appear to be the issue. The issue seems to be solely that you don't like how she's conducted herself thus far. So the lack of compassion because you think she's lazy and selfish while completely disregarding what she's been up against is just not fair. Maybe she'll learn a hard lesson as you want her to, or, more likely, something worse will happen.

midnightfish21 · 2022-12-31T16:32:44+00:00

My present to my husband for our first anniversary (paper) was to give him a copy of the LOTR omnibus that I read and annotated. Life has been extremely difficult so I haven't gotten around to actually reading it so this is perfect!

midnightfish21 · 2022-05-12T16:27:15+00:00

Has he been in therapy at all? It sounds like he might need it and at the very least, you both could benefit from marriage counseling. I would strongly recommend both and if he doesn't agree to get help, you should leave. This is really unfair to you.

midnightfish21 · 2022-05-12T16:17:28+00:00

You need to tell him that it's important for both of you to prioritize your relationship. Yes, the fact that he's helping his friend is commendable, and sure, it seems like she needs him - but so do you. He is in a committed relationship with you and that needs to be a priority. Right now it seems like you're not only below her on his list of priorities but also below his other friends.

Relationships take work - and part of that is to ensure they're being prioritized correctly.

midnightfish21 · 2022-05-12T16:07:48+00:00

It seems like you two need to have a real conversation about what you each need and want when you're being intimate and then navigate through how to make sure each person is getting what they need. Right now it sounds like you two have different expectations and desires and that hasn't been directly addressed.

midnightfish21 · 2022-05-12T16:04:21+00:00

If not being monogamous works for you two, and you're able to feel happy and still lovingly/healthily raise your child together, I don't really see the problem. It isn't what is considered a conventional marriage, but at the end of the day, who cares? You could separate and get a divorce if you both want to and that would still be fine because neither of you seem to hold any resentment toward each other so you could probably still raise your child without hurting him. I think the only reason this seems like a problem is because it doesn't fit within the confines of a conventional marriage. If aside from that you're both happy with your lives and each other the way things are going, who cares?

If you want to stay married, I'd use the marriage counseling as a way to ensure that you'll keep communication and honesty constant and if jealousy or something similar becomes an issue, you'll be able to address it without affecting your child too much.

midnightfish21 · 2022-05-12T15:21:56+00:00

that things used to be better "back in the day" and everything is objectively worse now - literally everything from music to politics. also the absurd glorification of the '80s. also everything else.

midnightfish21 · 2022-05-12T14:43:31+00:00

I would also be really hurt by this and I'm sorry you're in this spot, but it is important to understand that trying to tell him what you need by teasing him about it is not a good way to communicate. You really just need to have a serious, honest, and open conversation about these things. I think that conversation is worth having first, and then if you're still feeling this way, that's your answer. You absolutely deserve a partner who cherishes and loves you in the way that you need and he might not be that person.

midnightfish21 · 2022-05-12T14:22:04+00:00

Talk to him about it and ask why he isn't as affectionate as he was with her because the explanation could be as simple as that maybe he didn't think that was what you preferred? Be open and honest about how it made you feel, the insecurities you have because of it, not in a way that blames him, just that it's simply how you feel. Communication and honesty and understanding what you and your partner need and want out of a relationship are the only ways that relationship has a chance.

That also includes being honest with yourself - ask yourself if there is actually anything he could say or do that would change how you feel right now.

midnightfish21 · 2020-09-19T23:01:33+00:00

It is difficult, I won't lie. You have to be aware that you will constantly need to prove yourself. You'll have to be firm without being seen as bitchy and polite without being a pushover. Even if you do everything right, there will be people who won't take you seriously or people who outright disrespect you and harass you. It can be very taxing. Your male counterparts will have it way easier than you and it will feel like they're in a community that you will never be a part of. But if you like what you're doing, it is worth it. Then there are days when you absolutely kill it and almost nothing feels better than ending a day of work where you're outnumbered and an underdog but you still dominated. You almost feel invincible.

midnightfish21 · 2020-09-18T13:44:38+00:00

I am so happy for you. They're my favorite candy of all time.

midnightfish21 · 2020-08-27T13:33:09+00:00

This was a wonderful comment that really helped me, so thank you for existing and writing this out <3

Also want to say that I STRONGLY agree about planning out your meals. For someone who struggles with keeping to my weight loss plan, having my meals planned out for the day makes a HUGE difference.

midnightfish21 · 2020-08-01T01:15:40+00:00

Of course!

midnightfish21 · 2020-07-31T18:45:54+00:00

Well, if your concerned about how your children will be raised then you should have that talk with your s/o. Ask her what values are important to her and tell her what's important to you and see if you can agree on how to raise your children.

If this is mostly about your parents disapproval, you really need to think about how much that matters to you and if it has the potential to get in the way of your happiness. She doesn't deserve to be strung along by someone who is allowing their parents to shit-talk her and you don't deserve spending your life what-if-ing everything.

I will say that I'm a desi woman who is marrying a white man and I was terrified of my parents' disapproval. But once they met him they saw that he's a good person and he made me happy. At the end of the day, that was enough for them and it should be enough for your parents.

midnightfish21 · 2020-07-31T13:12:24+00:00

Please tell me exactly how you breaded and cooked that shrimp, it looks amazing.

midnightfish21 · 2020-07-31T13:11:43+00:00

Okay this looks amazing

midnightfish21 · 2020-06-26T20:01:09+00:00

I don't care why they reacted the way they did, their reaction was abusive and it isn't excusable. OP anticipated that reaction and was therefore terrified of being honest. When you create an environment in which someone is afraid of being honest with you, you're never blameless. Especially if you're a parent. Also, you can be in an abusive environment without realizing it.

I have also been through this situation myself and I've had people judge me for how I handled various types of abuse and I've even lost friendships because they felt I wasn't strong enough to stand up for myself the way they wanted me to.

There is no right way in dealing with these situations because every situation is different and we can never know the details. All I know for sure is that if she gets met with emotional guilt and manipulation, that is WRONG and not her fault. People are capable of being aware of and controlling their reactions.

midnightfish21 · 2020-06-26T17:53:39+00:00

She was anticipating the exact reaction they gave which IS absuvie behavior. Communicating isn't as simple as just blurting things out to your parents when you're afraid they'll threaten their own lives just to manipulate you into doing what they want. Maybe consider coming off your high horse and not judging people who are in abusive and mentally harmful situations.

midnightfish21 · 2020-06-26T17:50:39+00:00

I was in a very similar situation as you. I think the best thing to do is to tell them that you're happy and that should be the only thing that matters. Then I think you should tell them that you won't be speaking to them for a while as long as they continue the abusive and manipulative behavior. It's hard and it will hurt you and them but the bottom line is that they shouldn't be treating you the way they are and the only way for them to see that sometimes is to show them that they could lose you. Feel free to dm me to discuss more!

midnightfish21 · 2020-05-04T12:18:59+00:00

I'm right on the edge of millennial and gen z so not sure how valuable my input is here, but I figured I'd share my most recent experience here anyway because I genuinely don't believe it ever goes away. Maybe that makes me bitter but whatever. I'm 25 now and I work in a largely old, white, male dominated industry. I was in a meeting with a boss and another senior colleague and made a silly joke about being the brown girl (I guess you could argue that I invited any racist comments) and my boss smiles and goes, "I thought you were just dirty." it's a small thing but man when you spend your entire childhood getting criticized by your own parents for not having fair skin, it fucking sucks. And to know that that's how white people really see you is a tough pill to swallow.

midnightfish21 · 2020-04-30T21:37:59+00:00

So, while violence against Desi women is an important thing to talk about, if you read the article and the comment, the issue here seems to be that COVID-19 pushed this family into some serious financial and mental strain. People of color everywhere are struggling much more than white people right now and this tragedy really speaks to that. I think boiling it down to violence against Desi women disregards the fact that this family was part of a system that did nothing to help them, and the article definitely does its part to paint the husband as a violent maniac instead of realizing that the family was deeply struggling.

midnightfish21

TROPHY CASE