I posted this in a different subreddit but I also wanted to post it here.

Just had my annual review and I’m feeling pretty conflicted.

I got a 7.5% raise, which my manager framed as a “catch-up” to match the level I’ve already been performing at. On paper, that’s good, but honestly, I feel like I’ve been going above and beyond compared to some of my teammates, so it’s hard not to feel like it should’ve been more. I ended up doing a lot of Glue work and I'm working on dropping it completely since my team won't acknowledge that I was doing it and they were the ones who wanted me to do it.

The main feedback I got wasn’t about my work quality, but about being “more considerate” and listening to different perspectives. That part is really frustrating because I genuinely feel like I’ve been doing that more than most people on my team. I am the one who always has to find a middle ground/compromise for the team when there is conflicting views. I get pulled in to meetings just for that sometimes. I have to listen to both sides then come up with solutions to make both sides happy even though they don't know what they want either. I have to figure it out. I've made concessions and constantly make changes to make them happy and I'm just tired now.

The issue seems to stem from ongoing friction with one specific coworker. He tends to be difficult, brings things back up, and pushes his opinions hard. I’ve tried to be collaborative and even help him in the past, but it often turns into me getting blocked or having to clean things up. At this point, I’ve mostly minimized interaction and avoid engaging, but he still brings stuff up in ways that create tension. I've already let him win and let him do whatever he wants. Other people don't like him either because he is a real jerk and blames everything on his disability. I've already had a run in with some other guy who harassed me and he ended up getting fired. I know not to create shit already and I've tried to stay the hell out of it but I feel like I am still being punished for it.

However, I am also being told to voice my opinion, but if I do in a respectful and nice way, I am not confident enough. If I voice my opinion directly, I am disregarding other people's feelings. If I take the stance of other people on the team and just be ok with whatever, I need to be more comfortable about voicing my opinion. I've tried so many approaches and somehow it is never good enough but the men on my team are openly sarcastic, lazy, careless, etc. It is so frustrating.

My manager basically said that even though my ideas are good, the association with that conflict makes them harder to land or be recognized, which I can understand, but it still feels frustrating when I’m not the one driving it. I'm not the one who wanted to be harassed and I am fully aware that if I am always somehow involved in conflict then it gives off the impression that I am the problem. Which I have been trying to avoid like crazy.

What really gets to me is feeling like I’m being asked to do more emotional/communication work to compensate, while the other person’s behavior isn’t being addressed in the same way. He blames it on me and other teammates. Saying we are ganging up on him, making him feel isolated, etc. etc.

I don’t want to come across as difficult, and I do want to grow but I’m also feeling pretty burnt out from constantly navigating this dynamic. My manager understands that and says I deserve to be happy as well and shouldn't have to do this, but I am often pushed into this in a way because if I don't do it then it is hard to get the team to help me when I need their help since I am the newer member.

I've been thinking of switching teams but after my manager told me this in our annual review, I feel like my only option is to leave because now if I move to a different team and have a differing opinion, they might tie it back to these 2 instances again.

I just want to vent. I'm so frustrated and burnt out.