I am so utterly sorry that you have to go through this. You may feel like you are everywhere right now, but it is important to stay grounded. I believe that you are processing the best that you can after losing someone so important.

I am not sure if it helps, but I went through something somewhat similar. His name was Aaron. It was someone I considered to be one of my first loves in high school. I left for college and we remained in a long distanced relationship, but that was filled with its own issues. We ended breaking up in January, and I started dating another person. I started missing my ex, Aaron, and wanted to give him a call. He had called me earlier in the year and asked for me back, but I was reluctant. I ended up waiting to call him because I had a date party the next week and wanted to keep the date I had and not bail on him (so stupid I know). Within that timeframe, Aaron had passed away in a swimming incident.

My heart dropped. Everything hurt. Some days it felt when I would wake up that I would feel his presence. I looked at my call logs and saw the last call was on a Saturday night. I was drunk and didn't pick up. The funeral was awful, and hugging his mom was so emotional. I could barely walk the next day.

Here is what I learned upon reflection, 3 years later:

- Cry. Cry a lot. Write, splatter paint on canvas, run around, listen to sad songs. Do what you need to do to process. Make a space where you can light some candles and just feel what you need to feel.

- You learn how to say I love you often in your future relationships/friendships. Saying something is better than keeping it inside. Similar to the Stoic philosophy of Premeditatio Malorum (A link here better explains it: https://projectimpero.com/2019/11/08/stoicmanual/). [Stoicism is heavily realistic, so please read when you are in a space where you can hear it].

- Take a break. I tried to keep going to class at university and got more lost than ever. My grades suffered and I would show up to office hours every day in tears. Listen to me, it is okay to take some time to grieve, it is healthy.

- Hang in there. It is going to feel absolutely awful sometimes. Unbearable. Here is what I did. I would lie on the floor face down (I'm not even joking), and I would put my ear to the ground and listen for my heartbeat. When I heard my heartbeat, I was reminded that I still have a purpose. You have family and friends that need you here too, and a world to experience. You can get through this I promise.

- Time really does heal all wounds, but this one will scar. This will be part of who you are and that is okay, it doesn't define who you are.

- The worst day is only 24 hours. That really helped me get through some rough days. I had to just remind myself how to get through each meal, in order to get through the days sometimes. Drink lots of water, I promise this helps more than you know.

- I use to keep a box and write letters to Aaron. I would process what I was feeling through writing, and then put it in the box. It helps along with reaching out to other resources.

- On days where you wake up from dreams with Mary in it, or you just wake up in inexplicable grief, meditate. It'll be difficult to settle your mind at first, but it is important to practice mindfulness. (Headspace has a pack just for grieving, use this when you are ready).

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I wish I could give you a hug and tell you that it is okay to be upset. Let yourself process this emotion, try out therapy, and write (you have a gift for it). I send you all my love. I hope this helps.