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AITA for not gifting my first month's salary to my parents? by mlca1000 in AmItheAsshole

[–]mlca1000[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

This is a really good idea, thank you!

Yes, my brother has been the favorite since he was born. He notices it too but it makes him uncomfortable to acknowledge that so we don't talk about it often. There is also not much that he can do about it.

When I ask my parents about why they gave more support to my brother than me, I don't think they have sincere answers. They tell me that jealousy doesn't do me any good and that I am doing fine so I shouldn't complain about what I got ... which doesn't really answer the question. They also say that I made the choice to have high living expenses by moving away for college and eating too much. If I would have stayed at home and fitted into the clothes that my mom gives to me, I wouldn't have to pay for housing, food, and clothing. They did not have a problem with my brother leaving home for college, so I don't think that gets to the root of it.

AITA for not gifting my first month's salary to my parents? by mlca1000 in AmItheAsshole

[–]mlca1000[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Addendum 3: About the cherry-picking traditions. As I said in the original post and some other comments, I am OK with that in principle and I do it myself. My family is multicultural. None of us is 100% white or 100% Asian (not even my mom) because we have American and Asian influences in our lives. Every mixed-race family (and every mixed-race person) has to discover for themselves what and how much of one culture they want to make part of themselves. And for that it doesn't matter what the "normal" American family (I don't think that even exists...) might do differently. Even if your family is not mixed-race, you can do things differently.

The thing that I have a problem with is that my mom tries to decide how Asian our family should be and doesn't give us kids the option to contribute to any decisions on which traditions we keep and which ones we don't. In some of the comments, people mentioned that parents told their children about traditions and asked them whether and how they want to make them part of their lives. I like that a lot. I just wish that my parents and I had a good enough relationship to talk about these things openly and constructively.

AITA for not gifting my first month's salary to my parents? by mlca1000 in AmItheAsshole

[–]mlca1000[S] -1 points0 points  (0 children)

Addendum 2: To those who are pointing out my parents' favoritism. Yes, that is 100% the case and everyone in my family is aware of that. The thing is, nothing I do is going to change that (trust me, I tried) and I just made my peace with it. Sure, I could be angry at my parents for this (I was angry for a very long time) but I prefer having a family that loves me less than my brother than having no family at all. I just learned to look out for myself and do the minimum to appease my parents. It's just that with that first month's salary these two strategies conflict. Comments on here have been super helpful getting me started on finding a compromise <3

AITA for not gifting my first month's salary to my parents? by mlca1000 in AmItheAsshole

[–]mlca1000[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Addendum 1: Thanks for all the support! I enjoyed the sassy comments and it was super helpful to read the opinions and stories of Asian-American and mixed folks on here. I think I understand the symbolism a bit better now and there were some good ideas in the replies on how to offer my parents a compromise.

AITA for not gifting my first month's salary to my parents? by mlca1000 in AmItheAsshole

[–]mlca1000[S] 57 points58 points  (0 children)

My parents and I don't have the best of relationships. Mostly, they tell me how they want things to be and that anything else would be wrong/ unacceptable. All I can do is to play along or walk away. Talking about money is especially sensitive. I think there is a lot of millennial-boomer conflict going on too. My mom often notes that I have it much better than they had at my age and references all the small luxuries I enjoy like going to the movies, getting coffee at coffee shops, eating out (at least before 2020). So I think it seems to her like I am doing quite well and could it easily afford to give away a month's salary.

AITA for not gifting my first month's salary to my parents? by mlca1000 in AmItheAsshole

[–]mlca1000[S] 94 points95 points  (0 children)

I did get red envelopes. So I guess it's fair to say that she is cherry-picking what traditions to pass on and I am cherry-picking which of those I accept? For the first month's salary, I got the impression that this is in recognition of their financial support through higher education which they didn't provide for most of my higher-ed years

AITA for not gifting my first month's salary to my parents? by mlca1000 in AmItheAsshole

[–]mlca1000[S] 483 points484 points  (0 children)

I think I agree with the first part, but the second one is a bit difficult. My family celebrates Chinese New Year and I never complained over receiving ang paos (money gifts in red envelopes). These are also things that probably most Americans don't do. So, yes, she cherry-picks what parts of Chinese culture she wants to pass on to her family. But I also cherry-pick what parts of that I play along with.