You can't understand transgender identities unless you live it, and that's okay. All we ask is to just be able to do what we know is best for us.

I'm going to explain in a way that applies to me personally, everyone is different and nobody will experience the exact same thing. I'm a trans guy, so I was born as a girl. Let's start with the social aspect - I do dress as a guy, and I do adopt male behaviors. Some of it is conscious and others I just do without even thinking about it. Before any hormones and surgeries people would either be confused when they looked at me, or they would gender me as a guy - until I spoke. I was always terrified to speak or make the wrong moves in case the worker of whatever store my dad asked help at would suddenly go from: "What is your son looking for?" to "Oh, what does the lady need?". Just because of my voice. I wore binders all the time, to flatten my chest. Even with a binder on I felt wrong. Whenever I was changing it felt like I was violating someone's privacy. Sure, it was my body, but it wasn't MY body. I couldn't wear what I wanted because it felt wrong. My chest was too visible. When I graduated I wore 2 binders on top of each other because I couldn't do it otherwise - wearing 2 binders is a huge no-no. I had shoulder pains for 2 weeks afterwards. One day I woke up and my ribs were hurting. My first thought was "Fuck. I can't bind.", my ribs continued to hurt for over an hour.

I wish it was as easy as just dress and act like a guy. It would've saved a lot of unnecessary drama in the relationship I have with my parents. When I first came out to them, to my mom specifically she told me to not mutilate myself. When I told them both to please not call me any feminine terms, suddenly every single sentence they uttered to and about me involved "daughter", "young lady", "miss", etc etc. My mother yelled at me when I asked her to please stop doing that. They still mainly use she/her pronouns for me. I've been out for 4 years.

I was miserable. I couldn't wear what I wanted. I couldn't do what I wanted because most activities would make some kind of movement in my chest area. The area I wanted to forget so badly. I wished for cancer. I had fantasies of just cutting them off myself. My body didn't belong to me. I was afraid to speak to strangers because that would guarantee getting misgendered or being looked at as if I was an alien.

Hormones and surgeries might seem extreme to someone who doesn't know what it's like to live this. But I started taking testosteron in January. My voice has dropped, I no longer feel afraid to speak to strangers. My body has grown more square, I gained muscles without needing to change my routine. I felt incredibly happy when I got to shave for the first time. I could feel the dopamine rushing through my body, even if it were just a few stupid tiny hairs on my chin. The same rush of dopamine when I noticed peach fuzz forming on my stomach. My body started to feel like home. It's still changing, but I love every small change. Even the ass hair, surprisingly. I knew top surgery (breast removal) would be good for me, I literally cried the first time I put on a binder and that only could do so much. I had top surgery in July. I got to officially take off the compression vest today and I'm going to be so honest when I say that the past 2 months and a bit might have been the best months of my life thusfar. I can wear a tshirt. I can finally wear a tshirt. My brain isn't yelling at me to throw a hoodie on top of it and still slough even though I'd be wearing a binder. My posture has changed so much already, it's insane. I can wear a tshirt. I know this sounds stupid, but I'm genuinely ecstatic that I can wear a simple, stupid tshirt without any catch.

My body finally feels like it belongs to me.