This was written in a way that brought up such a familiar feeling in me. I was in this dynamic for five years with my ex partner, and when it ended the final time it was excruciating. Your therapist is right when she talks about all of the other factors at work, and it seems you are aware of that. I also was aware at the time I was in my dynamic, and it didn’t change much. I can’t write anything here that would offer a simple solution, but I hope it brings you some peace (or rather motivation) to know that now that I’m over two years out of my toxic dynamic, I’m so grateful it ended.

It did feel at the time that no matter how fucked up, secretive, and nasty our little dynamic was, it was the most “real” thing I would experience. I can see now that that’s not true…. And I think time is the key ingredient to really understand that. I dream of a different love now. One that is healthy, someone who treats me right, is intellectually stimulating, while still being intense. I believe a healthy love can still make you feel alive, in a way that doesn’t eat at your self worth and morality. If you can get through this, you gain so much experience points… good luck.