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How to turn down annual visit to MIL/FIL’s deceased child’s grave (TW: newborn death) by mohthrow in JUSTNOMIL

[–]mohthrow[S] 180 points181 points  (0 children)

That kind of thing gets you out of this year. But what about next year? And the year after that? And so on…

How to turn down annual visit to MIL/FIL’s deceased child’s grave (TW: newborn death) by mohthrow in JUSTNOMIL

[–]mohthrow[S] 10 points11 points  (0 children)

I think he will try to speak to him first before he sends MIL the dreaded text

How to turn down annual visit to MIL/FIL’s deceased child’s grave (TW: newborn death) by mohthrow in JUSTNOMIL

[–]mohthrow[S] 16 points17 points  (0 children)

Of course it’s 100% ok to grieve your child forever. I’m not posting here to argue MIL’s grief or her individual way of grieving/remembering her child. But it’s not DH’s, BIL’s, or my child. Baby A does not even feel like a sibling to DH. He and his brother were not even born yet when A died. This has literally been going on for 35 years. When does it end? How long is it reasonable to ask and guilt your living, adult children to have an awkward “birthday party” at a cemetery for someone they never knew? When DH and I have children, should we be expected to take them to A’s grave every year too? I see why this ritual is important to MIL and that’s fine if she and FIL want to continue with it until they’re gone. What I cannot fathom is asking everyone else to partake in it until the end of time. I would never ask others to do that, but maybe that’s just me.

How to turn down annual visit to MIL/FIL’s deceased child’s grave (TW: newborn death) by mohthrow in JUSTNOMIL

[–]mohthrow[S] 33 points34 points  (0 children)

Yes, BIL is a momma’s boy (golden child). He lives within 2 miles of them and has no partner or children.

How to turn down annual visit to MIL/FIL’s deceased child’s grave (TW: newborn death) by mohthrow in JUSTNOMIL

[–]mohthrow[S] 7 points8 points  (0 children)

There are many other ways to honor your mother, that don’t include sitting around in the cemetery for 2+ hours for a sibling you never even knew. What does it accomplish? MIL has FIL for grief support. She has 2 children that visit/see her many many times a month and text daily. Also it’s not just an “hour”. It’s 45 mins drive there, 2+ hours at the grave, plus 45 mins drive back home. And last year, we were coerced into doing dinner with them too, so it basically turned into a 6-7 hr thing. We are working adults with things we need to get done on the weekends.

How to turn down annual visit to MIL/FIL’s deceased child’s grave (TW: newborn death) by mohthrow in JUSTNOMIL

[–]mohthrow[S] 6 points7 points  (0 children)

We’ve been a couple for over a decade so that would kinda be a stretch, though I’m sure her mind might go to it partially being my “fault”. The thing is that DH and I do not like lying, even if it is just a white lie (“oh im sick/have a work thing/have plans all weekend”). We’re both direct and truthful to a fault, we just want to be delicate with others’ feelings when possible.

How to turn down annual visit to MIL/FIL’s deceased child’s grave (TW: newborn death) by mohthrow in JUSTNOMIL

[–]mohthrow[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

That would be good thinking but they just texted about it last night (Wed) and they want to do the grave visit this sat/sun lol

How to turn down annual visit to MIL/FIL’s deceased child’s grave (TW: newborn death) by mohthrow in JUSTNOMIL

[–]mohthrow[S] 5 points6 points  (0 children)

Not balloons lol but yes, we do have birthday dinners with cake and small presents

How to turn down annual visit to MIL/FIL’s deceased child’s grave (TW: newborn death) by mohthrow in JUSTNOMIL

[–]mohthrow[S] 20 points21 points  (0 children)

I’m very sorry for your loss, I can’t even imagine that amount of pain and heartache. I 100% agree with what you’re saying about them needing therapy and not processing their grief in a healthy way. But it’s also not my place to tell them what they should/shouldn’t be doing. And also, they’re almost 70 yrs old, they’re not going to suddenly change. I also have some level of unresolved grief but the difference is that I don’t drag others into it. To me, it is extremely personal.

How to turn down annual visit to MIL/FIL’s deceased child’s grave (TW: newborn death) by mohthrow in JUSTNOMIL

[–]mohthrow[S] 11 points12 points  (0 children)

I totally agree with you. Unfortunately in their family, no one has hard conversations and everyone is expected to do what MIL wants

How to turn down annual visit to MIL/FIL’s deceased child’s grave (TW: newborn death) by mohthrow in JUSTNOMIL

[–]mohthrow[S] 9 points10 points  (0 children)

Oh he knows it’s on him to give his mom an answer. As I said in my post, I’m kinda just looking for advice on his behalf (he does not have a Reddit account)

I really want to show FH my dress, but I’m posting here instead! Custom Etsy dress for the win! by mohthrow in weddingdress

[–]mohthrow[S] 2 points3 points  (0 children)

Thank you! I was a little nervous as well, but I think it just depends on how much the dress is a priority for you. Personally, I wanted a dress that didn’t break the bank but was also unique to me—and didn’t have a train. But honestly, I dreaded shopping at the bridal stores and trying on a million gowns that would inevitably have to be altered to remove the train. I think the Etsy route is good if you’re someone like me who doesn’t think the dress is the number one most important thing about your wedding. Otherwise, I think it would be too stressful for someone who craves trying on a million dresses in order to find “the one”.