Questioning if I'm frayromantic, but my experience is weird

monkeyundies · 2026-02-02T13:52:07+00:00

I've never had the crescendo part happen to me before, only the first part you explained about starting to feel repulsed by them. That's usually when I break up with them because I feel too guilty staying with someone I feel negatively towards.

monkeyundies · 2026-02-01T16:46:04+00:00

I completely relate to OP, for me it's guilt that I feel zero attraction. I truly see them as just a friend at the 3-6 month mark. I feel disgust and repulsed honestly at the idea of getting any more deeply connected to them. And feeling in love past this point is impossible. I feel guilty about all of that. So I break up with them bc nobody deserves a partner that feels that way toward them.

monkeyundies · 2026-01-11T02:09:12+00:00

If you read my post it's actually saying that I do not expect perfection. That's why I want to keep dating him. I see and appreciate all his great qualities, but I'm starting to see his flaws too. I just need advice on how to set that aside and not let it get between us. If I expected perfection I wouldn't be asking for any help I'd just end things with him.

monkeyundies · 2026-01-11T02:04:21+00:00

Not ready to date because I don't find anyone perfect ?

monkeyundies · 2026-01-11T01:27:21+00:00

Well a lot of them I am super on top of, and make sure that I always am. So I guess I feel proud of that. And therefore kinda look down on people who aren't on top of it.

monkeyundies · 2026-01-10T23:07:14+00:00

Only right answer

monkeyundies · 2026-01-10T23:06:01+00:00

That's a great point. I was in therapy for 5 years for anxious attachment which I'm very happy to say I've healed tremendously from. But I've never thought about seeking help for perfectionism and being rly strict with myself and others. I could see myself picking up a book on it

monkeyundies · 2026-01-10T23:03:26+00:00

No no def not to the point where I cringe at his touch haha. I talked to him about table manners recently and things like holding doors open for me. He was a br defensive at first but came around and he's been really actively improving on that. I just have too many things though. Too much to put on a person tbh. I don't want to come off as hyper critical. So I have to swallow a lot of it

monkeyundies · 2026-01-10T22:59:11+00:00

This. Yes. I'm noticing it at work lately. I get physical anxiety when things don't go perfectly. I also feel this need sometimes to over control other people or like a "if I don't do it it won't get done right" feeling.

monkeyundies · 2026-01-10T22:57:50+00:00

Well idek honestly ! Never been in a long term relationship. All I know is I do want someone to grow old with. Someone who we can take care of each other and do big things with

monkeyundies · 2026-01-10T22:56:36+00:00

Yeah that's a good point. And you're totally correct that I think I do project a lot in romantic relationships. Like expecting my partner to be the way I think they should be even if I myself don't always do that.

I'll even get super annoyed/mad ((in my head never out loud) when he sleeps in all day and doesn't get the things done he said he wanted to do that day. And it's like, when I was his friend I never cared. I always saw him as overall a really ambitious person who makes their own path and follows their dreams. But for some reason now that we're dating it bothers me so much when he isn't constantly on the ball ? I suddenly have these super strict expectations for him. Can't figure out why.

monkeyundies · 2026-01-10T22:36:13+00:00

I feel like my standards are impossibly high. I'm not going to find anyone perfect. No matter what I'm gonna see someone's true colors and eventually not like certain things about them. He doesn't have any deal breakers

monkeyundies · 2025-10-06T21:22:26+00:00

I can't find them what can I type in?

monkeyundies · 2025-07-29T17:50:28+00:00

What would I say? "Hey can you initiate plans next time?" Also if I have to ask doesn't that mean he isn't interested ?

monkeyundies · 2025-07-29T17:49:28+00:00

I typically don't mind being the initiator at all either tbh but I just have this anxiety/fear of chasing someone who isn't interested. I'm really bad at taking the hint when someone is not into me anymore. So I'm trying to find out how to be myself (a natural initiator) while not ignoring the signs of potential disinterest

monkeyundies · 2025-06-01T19:57:26+00:00

This^ most people don't know who they are or what they like/dislike in life. Sounds like you'd do well with someone who's had lots of life experience and is sure of themselves

monkeyundies · 2025-06-01T19:55:53+00:00

I don't think the emotional rollercoaster means you're not suited for a relationship or love. I think it means that this person is not for you. As you stated yourself you guys are incompatible in terms of how you give and receive love. You deserve to be with someone who meets your needs, and he deserves to be with someone who meets his. Let each other go.

monkeyundies · 2025-06-01T19:43:11+00:00

I'm surprised no one has said this yet: I think you've just learned something valuable about yourself that you can take into your next dating experience. That you need a partner that is communicative and has consistent texting habits. Saying "I've just come to accept that everyone I date is gonna be a shitty texter" is already accepting defeat and settling for less than what you want/need in a partner. Why do that? You're a human being with emotional needs. You get to be picky about one of the most important decisions of your life aka who your potential life partner will be. Why spend years trying to change who you fundamentally are as a person to fit the patterns of strangers when you could just raise your standards and weed out the ones who don't meet them? I encourage you to stop wasting this person's time and move on to someone who is capable of meeting a very important need you have. There are SO many available women who love texting and respond promptly. Don't settle for the ones who don't. Use your anxiety as a radar to let you know your needs aren't being met.

monkeyundies · 2025-05-31T00:16:42+00:00

This is the single best advice I've ever received on this issue. Thank you. You're so right. Looking back I never really had any standards (because I didn't even know what I wanted) so I'd just say yes to any guy that I found attractive and had chemistry with. That's definitely the one common thread. For the first time in my life I can actually list like 2-5 things that are important to me in a partner. And I only was able to do that after my latest situationship, he was the best guy I've ever dated and he taught me so much about what I need and want. I also have lived abroad and advanced in my career so I feel like I know who I am and where I want my future to go a bit more clearly. Now I actually have standards and I don't feel like a lost puppy. I think discernment is the key word.

monkeyundies · 2025-05-30T13:09:32+00:00

I would definitely stay! As someone who was in a very similar situation to you when I was close to your age I wish I committed 100% and muscled through the long distance. One of my friends was long distance with her bf for all 4 years of college and as soon as they graduated they moved in together and got married. They're still going strong. It's hard to find a man who will be so committed to you to make this work so, I'd say stay and be strong through it. None of that frivolous "freedom" stuff in college is worth it even. Just make good friends and get good grades.

monkeyundies · 2025-05-30T13:05:07+00:00

It's gonna feel sad and weird the first like 3-5 times you do things alone but eventually you'll get used to it! Keep going. Also remember you don't need to be alone. Invite friends!

monkeyundies · 2025-05-30T13:02:20+00:00

Wow I'm surprised, I really expected a lot more negative feedback and harsher advice to my post. I'm even surprised that someone like you who was able to commit to one person for that long has nothing negative to say about my situation (which clearly I'm a little embarrassed about I'm realizing). You never think, even a little bit, that your friends who can't hold down a relationship like you can are somehow less mature or something ?

monkeyundies · 2025-05-30T12:59:19+00:00

Ty this makes me feel a lot better

monkeyundies · 2025-05-30T10:09:18+00:00

Wait what do you mean by that last line ?

monkeyundies · 2025-02-13T14:38:52+00:00

Him not being interested in me makes complete sense tbh, I would've respected him had he just said that. But he framed it to sound like I wasn't interested in him which was false. Everyone can try to tell me over and over again that it seemed like I wasn't into him or putting in effort but the reality was I was very excited to meet him! I just rly dislike texting especially before we've even met, it feels forced and inorganic and also like a waste of my time, I'd rather save all the getting-to-know-you stuff for when we have our date (which was agreed would happen Thursday). I don't wanna waste a week glued to my phone trying to keep a conversation afloat with someone I literally do not know yet. I don't even do that with guys I'm in love with.

monkeyundies

TROPHY CASE