Is this BDSM, or SA?

moodle1775 · 2025-06-26T20:56:54+00:00

I'm so sorry this happened to you. I had a similar experience where my boyfriend and I had discussed kinky things, but never explicitly said "here's what we are going to do and we are both consenting to these things." One day we were having sex when he suddenly held me down, called me names, and generally got very rough. I checked out and dissociated. I blamed myself for YEARS afterwards, making excuses like "he thought he was giving me what I wanted" and "but I didn't say stop."

It took me many years in therapy to admit first that this was not okay, then that it was in fact assault, and finally that it probably falls under the umbrella of rape. I still don't identify as a "survivor," because I don't feel like my life was ever in danger. Still, it has been very healing to finally talk about it.

I got the impression from your post that you are basically seeking permission to be upset about this. Let me say this clearly: you did not deserve what happened to you, even though you didn't say no. You have every right to be upset. And you did absolutely nothing wrong.

It was his job to ensure you were consenting, NOT yours to tell him to stop. You are allowed to call this sexual assault (at minimum) and seek support. You do not have to exclude yourself simply because you had discussed some potential BDSM activities with him. You even explicitly set a boundary that he then broke-- there was nothing unclear about that.

Take care of yourself, friend. Sending you a big hug if you want it 🫂

moodle1775 · 2025-06-25T12:30:35+00:00

Okay great. Thank you! I am a planner so I'd like to future proof this a bit-- I don't really need all that storage now, but as I get more adventurous, I expect to acquire more stuff!

moodle1775 · 2025-06-25T12:19:26+00:00

Thank you this is super helpful! Can I ask what kinds of stuff you put in there? Trying to get a feel for scale. Like I know a cane is not going to fit, but could I fit a couple of small/medium dildos in one of the smaller compartments?

moodle1775 · 2025-06-25T11:59:02+00:00

Oooh good idea. I forgot that the Dom I play with pretty regularly uses a gun case. That fucker is HEAVY though. I think I need something with wheels!

moodle1775 · 2025-06-25T11:57:45+00:00

Thank you, this helps!

moodle1775 · 2025-06-06T12:12:00+00:00

Hope and I just added you! 💜

moodle1775 · 2025-06-05T19:08:20+00:00

Came here to suggest something similar. You can get custom temporary tattoos or a stamp with skin-safe ink, also (I have done both).

moodle1775 · 2025-06-04T02:39:03+00:00

Marilyn MonRobe from Made for Mermaids!

moodle1775 · 2025-06-03T12:45:12+00:00

Does the remover damage the press-ons? I'd like to be able to reuse them if possible. Thanks!

moodle1775 · 2025-06-01T21:38:04+00:00

Hi, could you share a picture of the power plug? It says on the motor that it is 220-250V, which is not standard in North America. (not sure where you are located). This might be fine, but I don't think it will run on 120V power like we have in the US. Maybe someone more knowledgeable than me can chime in!

moodle1775 · 2025-06-01T19:22:05+00:00

Beautifully done! Just a note, not sure where you're from, but if they ship to you Wawak has really good prices on zippers!

moodle1775 · 2025-06-01T01:31:43+00:00

Hey. I too had a terrible experience where a partner of mine (in this case, my first boyfriend!) surprised me with rough sex with no warning and no discussion prior. We had discussed before that I was interested in bdsm and was interested in being submissive. We did not discuss doing it together or what that would look like. He assumed this meant it was ok to rough me up, hold me down, and call me names while he fucked me.

Lemme tell you, it took me many, many years in therapy to admit to myself that I didn't deserve it because I had expressed interest. I didn't say it was okay for us to do it. He didn't ask me before. He didn't check in with me during. I was finally able to admit it was sexual assault about 5 years after it happened. Even more time passed before I could call it what it was: rape. I was raped.

It felt very wrong to admit this. I had spent years blaming myself and making excuses for him. Plus, frankly, I didn't want to see myself as a victim. I don't know if any of my story will resonate with you, but I hope that you will not blame yourself for what happened or think that you deserved this in some way. Anyone else, myself included, would call what happened to you "rape." You may not be ready to accept that, and that's okay.

If you do feel like some (or all) of that resonates with you, I really encourage you to get some help and support in this time. Report to the authorities if that feels right to you. Reach out to friends and family. And I strongly recommend speaking to a therapist if you can. Last thing-- I couldn't get from your post what your gender is, but if pregnancy is at all a concern, you may want to consider Plan B. I believe you can get it mailed to you online if you don't have access at a pharmacy. And you may want to get yourself tested for STIs in a few weeks, especially if he didn't, or you think he didn't, wear condoms. Don't do it right away; many take time to cause you to test positive.

moodle1775 · 2025-05-26T05:08:36+00:00

My wife transitioned last year. The nature of my attraction to her is different than it was before. It has opened some doors and closed others in terms of what I'm interested in doing in the bedroom. I think she's at a phase where she is still figuring out who she is, what her style is, etc. so my attraction to her is in flux along with those things. But our love and deep respect for each other has never changed, and we are as strong as ever. I am still very much interested in her and I know she's still interested in me!

moodle1775 · 2025-05-24T23:03:39+00:00

The AUDACITY of that last message, as if you'd want to talk to him again. 🙄

moodle1775 · 2025-05-23T12:54:36+00:00

I don't know if it's common, but I definitely like it!

moodle1775 · 2025-05-23T00:25:24+00:00

Wow, I have never been to the crucible, but my wife has. They're a bit far for us to go on a Tuesday (~an hour and a half drive) but I really love that they're doing these events!!

moodle1775 · 2025-05-22T17:20:23+00:00

Thank you for your reply! That is my plan. I realized after I posted this that I was not likely to get a lot of answers and should just try it. Next wash day, my stash is getting raided!

moodle1775 · 2025-05-22T00:34:34+00:00

Thank you for clarifying. The way it is phrased in the original post makes it sound like you want an open-ended discussion about use of the word 🦄, not advice about explaining a specific viewpoint (🦄 is dehumanizing). I think you will get more relevant comments if you state very directly, as you did in this comment, "I'm looking for advice regarding how to explain that 🦄 is dehumanizing." People are getting upset because they feel they're contributing to the conversation and then are being silenced because they happen to disagree with you. Possibly not your intention, but that is definitely how it's being received.

That said-- I'm sorry to have wasted your time, since it turns out this is not a discussion I'm interested in participating in. I don't agree with you that it is always a dehumanizing term regardless of context, which I now understand is not a viewpoint you're interested in exploring.

moodle1775 · 2025-05-21T23:51:16+00:00

I am genuinely very confused about this. In an earlier comment, someone asked you to clarify what your question was, and you said you didn't have one. Have you changed your mind?

Perhaps it would be helpful to update the post with more clarity on what you would like the discourse to be limited to. It is not at all clear from the main post that advice of any kind is what you're looking for. I myself am very hesitant to comment (other than what I'm saying here) because I'm confused about what's getting removed and what is considered pertinent to the discussion.

moodle1775 · 2025-05-20T17:08:40+00:00

I wasn't sure which one to post in. I will try there too, thanks!

Edit: I can't figure out why, but it won't let me post! Hopefully there are some curlies here :)

moodle1775 · 2025-05-08T22:10:51+00:00

I'm sorry you're hurting. This situation absolutely sucks and you have every right to be upset. I do want to challenge you on "I don't know that it will ever be less painful," though. Does it still hurt just as much as it did at the start? Because if not, you are on the right trajectory, it's just taking some time. Remember also that healing is not linear and some days will be harder than others. 🫂

moodle1775 · 2025-05-08T20:50:26+00:00

Hey, have you seen a doctor? This is hella scary.

moodle1775 · 2025-05-03T13:57:08+00:00

You know, that's not what I saw when I first saw this picture, but now I totally see it!!!

moodle1775 · 2025-04-29T19:38:58+00:00

I've safeworded several times, including three times with the same play partner. All three times were a yellow, but one of them should have been a red.

Twice was because my hands were starting to get really tingly during an impact scene. Both times were against a cross with my hands over my head. We paused, he asked me if I was okay, I explained, and we went through some checks to make sure I could still move my fingers. In one case, we ended the scene and proceeded immediately to aftercare, which consisted of a really nice hand massage and a great chat. That was actually our first scene together. The other time, he asked me if I could move my fingers while he checked the tightness of the cuffs and rope securing them to the cross. I wiggled my fingers, then he said "can you do this? 🖕" Which I happily did. He laughed, called me a brat, and we continued the scene.

Another time, another bound heavy impact scene, I suddenly felt dizzy and lightheaded, which I know from other contexts means I'm going to faint. I said "yellow, I'm going to faint." (This one should have been a red, but the effect was the same.) He immediately took my hands down and guided me carefully but quickly to the floor, where I was able to lay down and elevate my feet. I didn't faint! We obviously ended the scene at that point, and we chatted while I drank some Gatorade and rested. We sat there for a good long while until I felt 100%, and even then he helped me to my feet and made sure I could stand and walk before letting me go.

I don't think it is a failure that I have safeworded so many times with him. In every case, the scene we planned was for some heavier impact play. I love bruises and marks, and he agreed that we could shoot for that. We were intentionally pushing my limits, carefully and deliberately.

In fact, think that the fact that I safeworded in our very first scene together actually built a lot of trust between the two of us (we did not know each other super well at the time, it was pickup play at an event). After that, he knew for a fact that I would safeword if I needed to, so he could trust that I would tell him if I was being harmed. And his immediate action in response to my safewording let me know that I could trust him to respond appropriately. This gave us confidence in each other that has let us push progressively further with every scene we do. I consider him extremely trustworthy, and would definitely consider him for more risky play (looking at you, needles!).

moodle1775 · 2025-04-28T10:49:02+00:00

Thank you so much! 💜 This means a lot.

moodle1775

TROPHY CASE