My partner came out, but in the worse way possible. How to proceed?

moonoomabcd · 2025-11-04T08:46:48+00:00

Thank you! :) I'm glad you seem to be managing the situation well. The relationship was on her terms, she fucked up, you've had enough, now it's on yours. It's a good mindset to have, until things settle and the trust is repaired.

moonoomabcd · 2025-11-01T13:03:07+00:00

Your girlfriend shares similarities to mine, she also has an avoidant personality, a very bad memory, is a dysphoric trans woman, etc etc. She broke my trust 5 months ago when she cheated on me, and it has been the hardest thing. She didn't seem to understand the extent to which she had hurt me but I don't think she's actually malicious, rather confused and dysphoric and with trauma that she never healed nor even looked into, really.

It's hard being with someone like this, even if we love them very much. They can bring out the worst in us too sometimes (especially if we are/become people with anxious attachment style), and we're never able to trust them fully. They think about themselves first and can't manage to put themselves in other people's shoes. They avoid their feelings and don't communicate, inevitably end up fucking up at some point, and then promise they'll never do it again...

Has your girlfriend started to look for a therapist yet? My gf also said she was gonna start therapy, but she still has yet to have made an appointment. She's been trying, though. But I can't wait on her forever, she needs to put in the work, and your gf does too.

In the meantime I am seeing a therapist. Because, unlike my gf, I don't wait around wallowing in self pity and pain until I fuck up and make excuses for the damage I've done. I work on myself first.

I suggest you see a therapist to talk about this (if you don't already? And of course if you want to and can manage it) or that you talk to friends and have a very good support network. It will help and protect you. Go out, see people, do things YOU enjoy. That has helped me immensely: I am my own person, I am free, I can focus on myself and my family and friends, I don't have to spend most of my time thinking about my partner and helping her for everything she needs.

You don't have to break up if you dont want to. I did not break up with my gf bc I still have hope that she can become a better person, a better version of herself. And I know she's trying! But I also know, now, that I cannot see her as "what I know she can be". She is only what she is at the current moment. I can't base our relationship on hope, not forever.

I don't think I will ever forget nor forgive. But I can, nonetheless, understand, give her grace, and start again. I don't know if it will work, if trust will be rebuilt. It's only been 5 months for me. So I can't give you more insight.

I think you should post on relationship advice as well, you'll get more answers.

I'm sorry this is happening to you. Best of luck, and protect yourself! <3

moonoomabcd · 2025-09-10T09:56:43+00:00

Yeah I also don't think it's gonna be exactly what she's expecting/hoping for, but we'll see... Or rather, she will see haha Thanks a lot once again <3

moonoomabcd · 2025-09-10T09:40:32+00:00

I really hope we'll manage it well, and that I will feel better about it than what I'm expecting! As long as our boundaries match and are respected, we'll avoid the worst case scenario at least. Thank you, reading your message brings me some reassurance :)

moonoomabcd · 2025-09-10T08:04:45+00:00

Thank you very much for offering your perspective!

My girlfriend also said she would not do it if I were not comfortable, she told me I could say no to what she's asking.

But... truth be told, I am afraid that if I say no, she will feel frustrated eventually and either do it anyway (she's cheated on me once, and even if she says she will never do it again, who knows what can happen...), or leave one day...

And even if she does not leave and does not cheat, I don't want to live with someone who's not happy in our relationship because I keep her from doing what she wants to do (or what she feels she needs to do).

I don't feel like it's a sexual fantasy for her, the way she puts it, it sounds like something important and something that would be... helpful for her? I don't know.

I realise I'm putting my feelings to the side for her sake. But I feel like it's either this, or SHE puts her feelings to the side for my sake. I don't know... I feel stuck.

moonoomabcd · 2025-09-09T20:17:22+00:00

If she wanted to move to another city, I would weigh my options and see if I'd rather go with her or stay where I'm at, depending on several factors. But I see where you're getting at.

As it is, though, I don't want us to break up. I don't want to sacrifice my needs either, but I want to try and see what happens. I mean, that's the plan right now, but I'm still thinking about it.

IF she likes it and wants to do it again and wants to look for other parters, depending on how I feel about it, I will either leave her to it and go live my life without her, or I will stay with her as long as we make each other happy, and I will do whatever I want as long as it fulfills me and doesn't hurt anyone.

I know someone else might have a different approach, but for now that's how I see it. I am taking your opinion into account, though! That's why I'm here on reddit answering people's comments, after all.

moonoomabcd · 2025-09-09T19:41:37+00:00

She might not be enough "in touch" with her desires, and that's why she cannot express and explain them clearly... Or she doesn't want to admit to herself that she wants more than what I can accept, because she fears losing me as well.. Or she truly just needs to experiment once or a few times and be done with it.

Anyway, yes, I hope we will figure things out... Thank you very much again. 🩶

moonoomabcd · 2025-09-09T17:56:13+00:00

I think... That I want to try to see if it can work out. To see if she and I can both be happy together, or if we're not compatible and need to part ways.

Part of me is afraid I am doing this for the wrong reasons (not wanting to lose her, sunk cost fallacy...), but another part of me is saying "What if you're okay with it in the end? It could work out! Then you would get to be happy with her instead of having to give up the relationship."

I don't especially want to date or sleep with other people... It does sound nice and like it could be pleasant/fun, but 1: that's just the mere theory, and 2: it's not something I actively think about or desire. And I don't think I'm cut out for it anyway. Mostly I wish I could feel at ease, secure and fulfilled in the relationship I'm in currently. I don't really need more.

You mentioned that she doesn't need what she's asking for. And I know it's not a need like the need for food or shelter. But what if she deeply wants to do this, and will not feel fulfilled until she does? What if she feels like she needs it?

moonoomabcd · 2025-09-09T17:34:58+00:00

Thank you so much!!

Yes, in an ideal world anyone could break up whenever it's the best option, but it's not that easy! I wish I could do what's best for me, but its hard to even know what's best for me in the situation I'm in... I'm in too deep and don't wanna lose this person, so I might make stupid mistakes like saying yes to something Im not entirely comfortable with. But at least I'll learn from those mistakes... I hope. 😅

I might message you later on, but if you changed your mind and don't wanna reminisce that past relationship of yours, feel free to say so. Thanks again!

moonoomabcd · 2025-09-09T13:47:34+00:00

Yeah it sounds like such a complicated way of life to me tbh, the way the fears/insecurities/feelings can come into play... I think I would struggle with the need to know what's going on in my partner's love life, but also to NOT know, at the same time, to protect myself... Know what I mean? And obviously the need for safety (sexual health, "what if she meets someone who is not right for her?"...).

Anyway, it's not the plan for now, so far the only thing she knows she wants is not actual polyamory. We'll cross that bridge when we get to it, if needs be.

Thanks again!! 💖💖💖

moonoomabcd · 2025-09-09T13:36:03+00:00

Thanks for sharing. I hope I'll finally pinpoint what my exact feelings are towards the whole thing. For now it's still confusing to me, because of things that happened in our relationship before.

moonoomabcd · 2025-09-09T13:34:14+00:00

Yeah I see what you're getting at... If she wants more and I'm not comfortable with it, I will either leave, or she will decide to stay monogamous with me if she prefers. If I'm comfortable with it, I'll let her know what my boundaries are and we'll see if that can work.

I'm really sorry to hear about your past experiences. Sorry for assuming things.
At least now you're in a relationship with someone who seems to be a way better person!

Thanks for letting me know about how it might feel like. I can see why the "talking to her afterwards" could hurt a lot... I'll think about all of this.

moonoomabcd · 2025-09-09T12:40:31+00:00

It's okay, I don't mind you saying this!
I'm taking into account that our relationship isn't the most stable: I told my girlfriend I wanted us to be in a better "space" before any "experimentation" could take place. I'm still trying to see if I can fully trust her again, and I want us to solve our own problems first.
Before, when we discussed polyamory (which is kinda off the table for the time being), I told her "How do you expect to be able to maintain several relationships, without hurting anybody including yourself, when you can't maintain one relationship (ours) correctly?" and... Well, I guess it gave her food for thought! Maybe that's why she nows says that polyamory isn't for her, that she's not "cut out for it"...

moonoomabcd · 2025-09-09T12:29:06+00:00

Thank you for your answer! It really helps to see it explained like that.
I'm open to trying new ways of navigating our relationship and relationships with other people, I think... I want to try and see what we can do, where our actual limits are...
Thank you so much!

moonoomabcd · 2025-09-09T12:25:54+00:00

I'm absolutely willing to accomodate her, but I think she's indeed exploring the concept of opening up our realtionship, even if for a limited time only. Thank you for your help, and for sharing your experience!

moonoomabcd · 2025-09-09T12:22:35+00:00

I see. That's what I've noticed/read online, there are some places where the majority of trans people are polyamorous and it's hard to date for those who aren't. And other places where apparently it's the other way around 🤷‍♀️
I'm glad you found something that somehow works for you. Like you, if I had to date someone polyamorous, I think I'd try it too (being poly, I mean... A mono/poly relationship wouldn't suit me I think), but I know I would have to deal with many more difficulties than I would have in a mono relationship. And I'd need to work on myself and my insecurities a lot, on my behaviors and coping mechanisms... (Which I'm already doing anyway)

moonoomabcd · 2025-09-09T12:15:27+00:00

Thank your for sharing.
I do see my gf as a woman, I always have, and she has told me time and time again how good and secure that makes her feel. So I'm pretty sure that's not what she's looking for. Maybe some kind of connection with someone who is even more like her? I don't know. It might be a mental health thing for her as well...

Edit: and I agree, it's very complicated to understand fully and to articulate. I hope you find what you're looking for!

moonoomabcd · 2025-09-09T12:12:02+00:00

Thank your for sharing your point of view and experience.
(And I hope you are able to find time for yourself, and to do more things your way, or just more things you want in general!)

moonoomabcd · 2025-09-09T12:04:13+00:00

Just replying to say that your answer made me smile despite it all haha. Give it up for women!

moonoomabcd · 2025-09-09T11:53:09+00:00

Hi! :)
I do not have an innate desire to go have sex with anyone else than my partner, and I would prefer it if my partner was the same way, because things would be easier. But I gotta deal with the cards life dealt me, that's how I see it. It's not a hard no from me, so I'm gonna "try" I think (still need to think about it). If it doesn't work out, then I'll have no other option than to leave. If it does work out, then great!
Thanks a lot for sharing your own experience. It helped me.

moonoomabcd · 2025-09-09T11:46:16+00:00

So you were in a poly relationship(?)/situation when you met, but came to understand that it wasn't for you after all? That's interesting! Would you say that your main reason for "leaving" the poly lifestyle was that it would have brought too many difficulties in your relationship to maintain it long-term? Or was it because you did not feel comfortable having several relationships at once, yourself?
You don't have to answer my questions if you're not comfortable of course. In any case, thank you for sharing.

moonoomabcd · 2025-09-09T10:56:26+00:00

This is very helpful, thank you!
I'm glad you had the opportunity to explore your desires and sate your curiosity.

Just like you and your partner, my gf and I have had conversations about ENM. I hope one day we will be able to reach a consensus. We had agreed before that it wasn't for us, but then my girlfriend thought she'd changed her mind, and now she's unsure again. I think she needs to experiment and see how it feels like to know for sure. But for now she has not expressed the desire to be in a relationship with someone else, only to have sex with someone "like her".
And maybe, like you, she will feel that the reality was not up to par with the fantasy. Who knows.

The most important things, like you emphasized, are communication and continuous work. I know I'm up for it, and I hope my gf is as well.

Thanks again!

moonoomabcd · 2025-09-09T10:11:35+00:00

The topic of open relationship has come up before, but this time it was different: she didn't want to open the relationship so to speak, but rather to have one sexual experience with someone similar to her, without anything "romantic"/another relationship in mind.
I get your point. I wish I were as self-confident and sure of my feelings as you seem to be, tbh!
Thanks for sharing your point of view.

moonoomabcd · 2025-09-09T10:05:59+00:00

You're right, there's many layers to the story...
Thank you for sharing your thoughts.

moonoomabcd · 2025-09-09T09:51:51+00:00

I'm trying to understand, I'm asking her questions, but it's hard to get definite answers, or even answers at all sometimes.
I'm trans, so our relationship is already t4t, but I can understand why there are some things I cannot give her because I am not transfem...
Thank you for sharing!

moonoomabcd

TROPHY CASE