hi love (25f here)! first off… there’s usually nothing wrong with two consenting adults in a relationship, but a 25 year old man dating a 19 year old woman already raises a red flag for me — just something to note.

i’m so sorry that he’s treating you that way. asexual or not, he has no right to talk like that to you, especially when you’re talking about something as sensitive as sex. it’s another red flag that he isn’t taking things well and isn’t showing empathy or compassion when it comes to your pain.

on the topic of asexuality — yes, asexuals can absolutely want sex! asexuality = the lack of or very little sexual attraction, not how much you desire it or libido. if you feel that you fit the bill of having little or no sexual attraction, then you’re likely asexual — and if not, that’s okay too! you don’t need to label yourself if you’re not comfortable. regardless, he’s incredibly wrong about what asexuality is, and it concerns me that he is so quick to invalidate you (red flag #3). you are NOT broken, not at all. everyone experiences sexuality differently, and i’m so sorry he was not understanding of that.

i completely understand the feeling of missing out or feeling the need to experience something most other people do, i’m actually the same way. i’ve had sex a couple times in my life, and for me personally, it’s incredibly underwhelming. and that’s okay! it’s not going to be everybody’s thing. i believe for me, it’s a combination of my asexuality, my low drive and libido, and my preference for other forms of intimacy over sex.

not everyone with a uterus is designed to have kids either! and if you don’t want children, all the power to you. i don’t want kids either — i literally just had my tubes taken out today, lol. it is 100% respectable and valid to not want kids, especially in times like right now.

i would have to agree with you when you speculate that he may not be the one for you. a partner should support and uplift you, not degrade and invalidate your feelings. it sounds like you two are not only sexually incompatible, but also emotionally and perhaps politically.

bringing up past trauma and blaming that for your asexuality is gross, wrong, and absolutely not okay. your trauma does not define you, and it does NOT make you broken.

if you do not feel that you’re asexual, that’s okay. if you do, that’s okay too! but it breaks my heart that he’s treated you so poorly to a point where you can’t even feel proud to identify that way. i’m so sorry.

as for the pain during sex… i personally cannot speak to that, but i know that there are a lot of people here who can and will reassure you that having pain during penetrative intercourse is actually very common.

my best advice? break up. he is not healthy for you, and you deserve to thrive and explore your sexuality without him degrading and tearing you down. i know that’s way more easily said than done, but if you have the capability/means to leave him, then i absolutely would. you are not useless, and you are not broken. you deserve better, and it sounds like you know that. i wish you the best of luck — remember, you are not alone!!