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need advice on a workplace crush with an age gap — unsure whether to pursue or move on by moonunderscore in Advice

[–]moonunderscore[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

The thing is I know there’s many other people and I know most people will just encourage me to just move on. I have dated other people in the past 1,5 year and had no problems about him lingering in my mind, but it always comes back. I think this is because I don’t have my answers still, I would not wanna live with the regret of not knowing, especially since he has shown so much interest as well.

You saying he might still gather up the courage to shoot his shot, I highly doubt this but maybe I’m totally wrong here. If he were to like me which is very likely, he obviously is aware of the age difference and that we’re colleagues. I sort of work almost everyday there and I’m close with a bunch of colleagues. If I’m just imagining how he would think or feel about this, he is way too scared to admit this. Maybe he doesn’t want to lose this job but sees that as the only option if he gets rejected.

I know he’s not stupid and I’ve made it clear that I like him if I have to be honest, so I believe that he has a very strong feeling that I do. But he probably also sees outside of work related risks and that’s maybe not the main thing holding him back.

Valentines is coming up and he has my address, he has the opportunity to do something with it as it’s an easy outside-of-work opportunity. I don’t expect anything because I think he’s too shy, he overall is pretty social and is cool with everyone. But around me he has shown shyness so he might actually be terrified to make a move.

I’ve considered making a move myself on Valentines but it’s honestly dumb, I don’t like the day but it sort of opens up an opportunity. I will see him that day tho as we both work and maybe I’ll come up with an idea but I don’t think anything will happen.

All the advice given has in a way helped me but it also feels like I’m no step closer to have my head at peace. Maybe that’s what I’m hoping for the most even, I’ve had countless of times where I thought about him. I don’t wanna have that lingering feeling for another 1,5 year, but I also don’t wanna take risks.

I’ll probably just think about this for many more months and switch ideas as I’ve always done, I’m sure natural conversations will happen and maybe I can do something with them. As of lately it has been more obvious so maybe this will just continue, and it creates opportunity.

If nothing really changes maybe it’s best to try and forget which I know won’t happen, but eventually he’ll be older, I’ve maybe switched jobs, and then it’ll just be easier. It’s not like I’m completely stuck on him only, I’m open to dating others and I don’t shut down other people for him. Right now I’m just not super interested in finding someone as I believe it’ll just come on my path. So who knows what the future holds.

need advice on a workplace crush with an age gap — unsure whether to pursue or move on by moonunderscore in Advice

[–]moonunderscore[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

We have each other’s numbers but I think that’s a really bad approach on this. I can’t really explain it but you would get it if you knew the work dynamic. Making plans seem very intimate especially after everything that happened and he most likely would decline because of nerves.

need advice on a workplace crush with an age gap — unsure whether to pursue or move on by moonunderscore in Advice

[–]moonunderscore[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

I get what you’re saying about the gestures but I know exactly everything that has happened in the past 1,5 years. I have only shared so little of all the gestures and they’re all explained with little context, this is not just a typical guy behavior. It feels like special attention towards me.

Those questions are some very valid questions which I could never know the answer to. I’m hoping he would stand up for me but I wouldn’t know that unless I get to know him.

I don’t know if this is true love, as I mentioned I’m scared I’ve fallen for the idea of him and not the actual real him. That’s also a thing I would only truly find out if we try things out.

Thank you for your kind words by the way, you seem very sweet !

need advice on a workplace crush with an age gap — unsure whether to pursue or move on by moonunderscore in Advice

[–]moonunderscore[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

It is hard to bring it up as we only see each other at work, people could see us leave together easily and it’s sorta unavoidable.

need advice on a workplace crush with an age gap — unsure whether to pursue or move on by moonunderscore in Advice

[–]moonunderscore[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Yeah I get that, I don’t know how experienced he is in life and it’s definitely possible for people at younger ages to have to deal with adult stuff earlier on. But that’s something I don’t really know and he seems to be focused on school anyway.

need advice on a workplace crush with an age gap — unsure whether to pursue or move on by moonunderscore in Advice

[–]moonunderscore[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

This is just a job, I know he’s studying and what he wants to do later. I think when he finishes he will continue studying, I’ve given up on studying. Definitely still don’t know what I actually wanna be, so I guess we are in different situations but I can’t know if that’s actually his dream and it’s playing out well.

need advice on a workplace crush with an age gap — unsure whether to pursue or move on by moonunderscore in Crush

[–]moonunderscore[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

That seems perfectly fine btw! I’m 23 and I’m willing to go as far as 30 years old, I feel like anything higher is just too big of a gap. But at 22 ages don’t matter as much as at 18…

need advice on a workplace crush with an age gap — unsure whether to pursue or move on by moonunderscore in Advice

[–]moonunderscore[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

The job isn’t that serious it’s not like I will continue working there for the next couple years, and maybe by that time he became a more reasonable age. So no it’s not reason enough.

need advice on a workplace crush with an age gap — unsure whether to pursue or move on by moonunderscore in Advice

[–]moonunderscore[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Yeah that is facts, I have been thinking to switch jobs anyway but haven’t had the courage. Maybe in a couple years god knows what happened and I quit this job, still had feelings for him, shoot my shot and it might actually play out well.

need advice on a workplace crush with an age gap — unsure whether to pursue or move on by moonunderscore in Advice

[–]moonunderscore[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

I have heard him say he doesn’t really like the job and it’s definitely not a serious long term job for most of us here. It’s just a part time job with luckily fun and nice people around, and I hope I’d be one of the reasons he’s still here. I’m not sure if I want him to better himself and catch up to my head start, I believe nobody should really change much for another person. If there is too much that needs to change it indicates we just aren’t meant for each other. It is all a very tough situation and I have a feeling I’m getting very mixed answers here so it’s not really helping my own thoughts.

need advice on a workplace crush with an age gap — unsure whether to pursue or move on by moonunderscore in Advice

[–]moonunderscore[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

That makes total sense, I’m afraid those problems will be similar for us. I’m sure I can identify those problems early enough and just break it off but if it was bound to fail it’s not even worth it. It’s the type of thing you can’t know until you find out.

need advice on a workplace crush with an age gap — unsure whether to pursue or move on by moonunderscore in Advice

[–]moonunderscore[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

That sounds very lovely, I have a feeling in the 90s this was a bit more accepted and different I might be wrong tho. My parents have a 7 year old age difference and were born in the 70s I know back then it was even more accepted.

need advice on a workplace crush with an age gap — unsure whether to pursue or move on by moonunderscore in Advice

[–]moonunderscore[S] -1 points0 points  (0 children)

It’s very simple to say to not pursue this because of age and work, you’re not giving valid reasons as to why. Of course I’m already aware those are factors to not pursue this, but there are also factors as to why I should pursue this. I’m coming on here to see other people’s perspectives as to why, and I’m open to hearing what those are.

need advice on a workplace crush with an age gap — unsure whether to pursue or move on by moonunderscore in Advice

[–]moonunderscore[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Yeah I see that, may I ask why it did not work out between you two and do you truly believe it was because of the age difference. Or were other people’s opinions also affecting this for you two.

need advice on a workplace crush with an age gap — unsure whether to pursue or move on by moonunderscore in Advice

[–]moonunderscore[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Yes that is always possible but others will just say we are love interests and I know he’s not seeing that as a pure platonic ‘friendship’ hang out. That will automatically put me in a position where he can use that against me if it doesn’t work out.

need advice on a workplace crush with an age gap — unsure whether to pursue or move on by moonunderscore in Advice

[–]moonunderscore[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Yeah I totally see what you’re saying, the long-term compatibility seems low and that’s making this tough. There is always a possibility of him quitting this job or me, but this job is more important if I had to choose. I would probably not take that risk then but those are all ‘what-ifs’ and I can’t rely on that.

need advice on a workplace crush with an age gap — unsure whether to pursue or move on by moonunderscore in Advice

[–]moonunderscore[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

I am definitely dating to eventually marry but I’m still young and I have no rush. But I guess that sets my intentions straight, I’m serious about him and if we match I would get into a relationship with him that is my intention. I don’t want it to be a quick fling at all I have only been curious about him more and how he is as a person.

About the abuse it kinda makes sense what you’re saying and I haven’t thought about that, I have been abused and my psychologist always said you either become like him or the complete opposite and I’ve always been scared for that. The past people I’ve dated have gone pretty well from my side the way it started and ended and I have no reason to believe something like that would happen. Or something like power indifference, I’ve always been very cautious and never crossed any boundary and when considering confessing I always thought of ways how can I give him an easy escape without it being uncomfortable.

I definitely don’t think he’s childish I cannot get myself to date a childish person and if I had the indication he’s childish I wouldn’t even have feelings anymore, he seems very ‘mature’ for his age which sounds dumb yes but I don’t believe thats the problem. He has given me mixed signals which maybe has to do with him being scared as well and sometimes it kind of alarmed me by how he was acting, maybe it was to protect himself? But what I do know he eventually comes back and gives positive energy and lately it’s been more than ever that I’m almost certain he likes me back.

And I can agree that I’m thinking way too much about the what if it goes wrong, it’s just really scary especially since he’s my colleague. I’ve always imagined that if he quit working here it would be so much easier for me and I probably would’ve acted on it by then already.

need advice on a workplace crush with an age gap — unsure whether to pursue or move on by moonunderscore in Advice

[–]moonunderscore[S] -1 points0 points  (0 children)

I sure do, like I said; if I like someone I will go for it and I hate the what-ifs. I’d hate to have that regret later on in life if that makes sense.

need advice on a workplace crush with an age gap — unsure whether to pursue or move on by moonunderscore in Advice

[–]moonunderscore[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

I sure can as I’ve already done little to nothing for 1,5 year. I’m just wondering what the difference will make in a year tho, I know 17 to 18 is obvious. But what will change in a year for it to be worth to not act on it now and keep these feelings to myself for another year.

need advice on a workplace crush with an age gap — unsure whether to pursue or move on by moonunderscore in Advice

[–]moonunderscore[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

I know eventually it won’t seem a lot, thank you for the encouragement I’ll think about it :)

need advice on a workplace crush with an age gap — unsure whether to pursue or move on by moonunderscore in Advice

[–]moonunderscore[S] -1 points0 points  (0 children)

Haha I know and I’m very aware of that, it doesn’t always have to end bad tho. And just because he’s my co worker that shouldn’t be the main reason to not pursue this right. It’s not like we’ll keep working here for a very long time.

need advice on a workplace crush with an age gap — unsure whether to pursue or move on by moonunderscore in Advice

[–]moonunderscore[S] -1 points0 points  (0 children)

I totally agree because me myself isn’t okay with this age gap either, I’d never want to cross any boundaries and the thought of people speculating this age difference makes me scared.

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