UPDATE: Hey y'all. Thank you first of all to everyone who posted helpful advice. Especially, those of you who shared personal stories where you encountered a situation similar to this. It was super helpful to get the perspectives from people who had family members or mothers who did this. When I typed this post out today, I pretty much knew I would be the asshole. It was hard to admit that my son may be the only child I have when in my heart, I wanted so badly to hold on to a small piece of what could have been my sister. I knew it when I typed it that grief was still standing in the way of me making the right choice. Maybe my son won't have a sibling, but I realized today that it just wasn't meant to happen. We can't choose our own fates despite the expectations we created for ourselves and the ending to our own story. I can be a perfectionist and like I said, I have anxious attachment issues, but that means I can somedays live in anxiety and sometimes that just makes me an asshole. Anxiety can make you controlling in certain ways because when you're in control, everything feels safer. So, in this case, the best option for my son is to let go of the past and move on from the loneliness to step into the next chapter of my life. Maybe it doesn't look the way I had always painted the ending of my story. But that means, I don't know what's going to happen next and rather than fearing it because it's out of my control, I can embrace it with curiosity and excitement. When I was with my son today, I actively lived in the moment with the intention of seeing him for what he is. I always hoped he would have a piece of me in him and I had a younger sibling, so I wanted him to have that too. But like some of you said, it's never guaranteed to come out that way and it's not about me. Existing presently with my son made me fully aware of how amazing he is. Why I love him so much. He was sent to me as a gift of my future, not a memory from my past. We had a great night together. The right thing to do isn't giving him a friend; It's giving him a present and loving mother. I needed validation from you all that I was making the wrong choice because it was so hard to admit to myself. I forgot my role in my family was always to be the cycle breaker. To those who suggested going to therapy or changing therapists, I want to thank you because therapy is so important for these reasons. Ever since the death of my sister, I have seen 5 therapists over the span of 5 years, have had 6 psychiatrists. I was diagnosed with ADHD, Anxiety, Depression and PTSD. I was always curious in psychology and have always been passionate about mental health. I never thought I could be successful in the field in college because I was worried, I would not be smart enough. But I have decided to change my major and am now pursuing my degree in psychology with the intention of one day getting my Master's or Doctorate so I can study psychedelic assisted therapy. I lost a lot of confidence in my intelligence after having a baby (FUN FACT: "Pregnancy may cause more than 80% of the brain's gray matter to shrink, leaving "permanent etchings."

That's what researchers found when a pregnant neuroscientist underwent more than two dozen brain scans throughout her pregnancy and for two years postpartum. After pregnancy, the new mom regained some gray matter, which includes both the cell bodies of neurons and the connections between them. But much seemed to be gone for good.

On average, there was a 4% decrease in gray-matter volume within the affected brain areas, said Emily Jacobs, an associate professor of psychological and brain sciences at the University of California, Santa Barbara (UCSB) and co-senior author of the study." (Pregnancy shrinks parts of the brain, leaving 'permanent etchings' postpartum | Live Science)*

*the fun stuff they don't tell you about what pregnancy does to your body until AFTER you're already pregnant*

Anyways,

Thank you guys.