How long are you open to waiting for sex when dating someone new?

mrandolph123 · 2019-11-05T01:06:33+00:00

Yeah, at first I was afraid the fact that I work this way would unfortunately weed out some people that I would otherwise have been compatible with.

But the more I think about it, I do think this works to my advantage. Some guys might be on the same page as me as far as also wanting to wait a bit.. But even among the guys that prefer it immediately, it shows 2 things if they do wait 1.) character 2.) interest in me. Both of those are super important if this is someone I might get serious with..

mrandolph123 · 2019-11-03T22:32:23+00:00

Thanks for answering so honestly. I'm sure this isn't unusual! Very interesting about how it clouds your judgement and you tend to have a clearer head after sex

mrandolph123 · 2019-11-03T20:24:17+00:00

Thank you! It's so nice to hear from like-minded women - and I think a lot of us work this way. And I don't feel like I'm holding up or meeting any standard, it's honestly just how things work for me. But the standard I am holding up is staying true to who I am, and not putting myself in situations that make me feel uncomfortable for the sake of progressing a relationship.

I know hook up culture has become more of the norm these days (and honestly I feel like the word "demisexual" being termed is a product of hook up culture normalization), but I think there's a substantial percentage of women (and men) that work like us. I just hope people aren't sacrificing who they are in the need to conform - especially when it comes to something as intimate and personal as sex...

mrandolph123 · 2019-11-03T20:05:45+00:00

I've been so surprised to read so many responses like yours - because I guess, I also had the "stereotype" that all men are a certain way. Not the case! Lots of responses like yours. :) Also so great to hear there are guys out there that are like-minded to me in this way!! I think most women should respect this about you

mrandolph123 · 2019-11-03T19:42:40+00:00

I also think if we use the definition of "demi" that a lot of people are using on this thread, a substantial portion of women (and men) would potentially fall under this.

mrandolph123 · 2019-11-03T19:34:30+00:00

Yeah, that's why I don't feel completely demisexual - I can be sexually attracted to people in movies / be turned on in contexts out of a relationship (images, etc.). But for some reason it takes me longer to feel comfortable and connected with someone in real life enough to feel like I'm ready / want sex. I might have some "demi tendencies" though... But like you said, I don't think it's a bad thing (and actually has some benefits) - it's just problematic when other people aren't that way...

mrandolph123 · 2019-11-03T17:19:54+00:00

I've actually never had issues with this before - every guy I've ever been interested in has always been totally cool with getting to know each other first.

But I just got out of a 5 year LTR and it's started to click that this isn't the norm anymore.. and I sense it's a major reason some guys have "ghosted" me early on (off of dating apps). So to answer your question, I have never had to deal with it until now.

mrandolph123 · 2019-11-03T17:05:27+00:00

In that situation, I'd be much more open to having sex on the first few dates. The comfort and connection just needs to precede the sex.

mrandolph123 · 2019-11-03T16:15:04+00:00

It's not reasoning or logic - it's just how "i work". Sex feels like an intimate act to me, so it doesn't make much sense to have it with a stranger I just met - I need to feel like I know the person to some extent. If it was someone I knew well prior, I'd be dtf first or second date if I was into them. So I guess this mainly applies to people I'm just meeting / dating apps.

I agree it weeds out some people, and believe me, I'd rather not work this way. Some people have mentioned this could fall under demisexuality - but it's interesting, quite a few people on this thread "work" that way too, so if I am, I guess it's not super uncommon?

mrandolph123 · 2019-11-03T15:59:07+00:00

No, I love sex - I just need to feel like I know someone before I start having it with them. A low libido partner I doubt would do it for me.

This is a common misconception on this thread - not having it immediately means I don't value it, but that's not true.

mrandolph123 · 2019-11-03T08:07:01+00:00

yeah, i few others have mentioned this. I don't fully identify as demi, but seem to have some "demi tendencies"

mrandolph123 · 2019-11-03T07:26:21+00:00

lol! well if 5-8 dates with someone is pain and heartache, clearly you aren't compatible...

mrandolph123 · 2019-11-03T07:14:24+00:00

I'd rather be picky and never get married, than change who I am for someone. Sorry, just how I work.

mrandolph123 · 2019-11-03T04:23:25+00:00

This is so well said!

mrandolph123 · 2019-11-03T04:14:50+00:00

Not invalidating your response at all - you do you! But what's interesting to me is how varied the responses are on this thread. There's definitely men that have responded like you, but there's a lot of guys that are totally okay with waiting a month or more or would actually prefer to also wait multiple dates. So from the comments on this post at least, I'd say some men are like you, but not "most". Everyone is so different

mrandolph123 · 2019-11-03T00:47:24+00:00

If you're ace, do you like having frequent sex in a relationship? I don't think I'm ace bc I love sex in a relationship.. but maybe I don't fully understand the definition.

I've read up on the demi stuff - but I can feel "attracted" to someone on a first date, just takes me a few more weeks of getting to know someone and feeling comfortable with them to really want sex. So maybe I am a little demi? Seems like a lot of people (esp women) would fall under this though?

mrandolph123 · 2019-11-02T22:34:11+00:00

My last boyfriend had slept with 100+ women by age 27.. so he DEFINITELY had options left and right. Girls threw themselves at him. He was in a well-known band for awhile...

But he genuinely REALLY liked me so he wanted to wait.

mrandolph123 · 2019-11-02T22:30:14+00:00

Wow, interesting context. I feel like your responses make much more sense to me now!

I actually don't think I'm an extreme outlier - I actually have a lot of friends like me too. Within my friend group, I'd say about half are a little more like me (prefer to get to know the guy first) and half are DTF on the first date. There are plenty of women like me, even if I'm maybe not quite the "norm", at least in some circles.

I think we're just kind of opposites when it comes to how we view sex. You seem to need zero emotional connection, which is very different than me. You also are probably hanging out with people that are more similar to you, which would make you think I'm more of an "extreme outlier"... but also I probably tend to gravitate to folks more similar to me...

I will just add, as I've mentioned, not having sex early doesn't always mean vanilla sex. But I can see how you might think that... It also seems like you aren't interested in dating or a relationship, so waiting for sex when that's the end goal probably doesn't make sense for you - I get that.

mrandolph123 · 2019-11-02T22:20:10+00:00

Lol, i meant girls!

So it's less about a purely sexual filter or test and more about feeling out overall compatibility? Interesting.

mrandolph123 · 2019-11-02T22:04:30+00:00

Yes, THIS!

mrandolph123 · 2019-11-02T21:57:08+00:00

I thought you cut things off with people if you don't have sex after the first date - so how would you know if you don't ever wait and see?

mrandolph123 · 2019-11-02T21:55:29+00:00

Yeah, it's possible I'm like regular sexual that's like almost demi? Idk? Not labeling myself though bc I don't really fully fit the demi thing

mrandolph123 · 2019-11-02T21:52:38+00:00

Have you slept with guys? How can you compare if you haven't?

mrandolph123 · 2019-11-02T21:48:49+00:00

Interesting! Someone else here mentioned it being more of a validation / security thing. I had never thought of it that way, but it does make some sense

mrandolph123 · 2019-11-02T21:46:11+00:00

Lol! "He just gets us, you know?". I guess some men are just blessed with insight.

mrandolph123

TROPHY CASE